The Biggest Day of all Big Days is here.
But I’m not.
I mean, I’m here – on Earth, but not on the blogosphere. Well, I’m here in a way (thanks to WordPress’ scheduling feature), but I’m not actually here. Okay, this getting painful now. Please allow me to explain.
As you’re reading this – all ten of you – I’m engaged in a new Hookey Family Christmas Tradition: “Let’s Be Jews For a Day!”
Yes, I realize you must have some questions right now. For example…
“You realize being Jewish is a big responsibility, right, Hook?”
“You don’t have hair, Hook… how are you going to pull off those dangly, curly locks?”
“Are you sure you can pull off the all black look?”
“Was it your intention to anger every Jew in the blogosphere with this post, Hook?”
“Will they ever come up with a cure for the Kardashians?”
Those are all good queries – but I refuse to answer any of them. Instead, here is “Let’s Be Jews For A Day!” in a nutshell.
- We lost my father-in-law.
- The resulting void has threatened to swallow us whole.
- Yours truly (otherwise known as “Skippy” in our family) was forced to enact a plan to save Christmas.
- “Let’s Be Jews For A Day!” was born.
So, on Christmas Day, the Hookey clan will be enjoying the sort of holiday made famous by individuals who don’t subscribe to the conventional Christmas set-up. We’ll be lunching at the Mandarin Chinese buffet followed by a moving picture show in a darkened theater.
Nothing screams “Christmas!” like hundreds of people jamming themselves into a buffet restaurant like human cattle – to gorge themselves past the point of sanity on Chinese food that as been “dumbed down” for the masses. Am I right or what?
As for the movies, we’ll be seeing the Point Break reboot. Yes, it may be a tad unconventional for the holidays, but my daughter is the family cinephile and she’s intrigued by this new take on the heist/extreme-sports mash-up.
All right, kids, I’m going to leave you a little (cheap) Christmas gift: Another exchange between my soulmate and myself.
JACKIE, THE WIFE: So who’s writing this blog… Robert Hookey or “The Hook”?
ME: It’s a “post” and here we go…
JACKIE: Fine, it’s a”post”… I just don’t get the whole “Call me The Hook. Everyone else does.”, thing. It’s stupid, ridiculous and utterly dumbass.
ME: Think about it, you can travel all over the world and be served by a “Robert”, or a “Stuart” or a “Sean”… but you won’t find a hotel where you’ll be served by a “Hook”. But I take it you still don’t approve?
JACKIE: You’re not funny.
ME: The eight people that bought my book disagree. And by the way, everyone I work with loves “The Hook”, including guests. It’s more than an abbreviation of my name, it speaks to who I am as a person, a bellman, a living being on this Earthly plane of existence.
JACKIE: (Sighing. I tend to inspire a lot of that.) “A living being on this Earthly plane of existence?” You’re so weird.
ME: But you love the weirdness that is me?
Silence. Burt there was an eye roll. Does that count?
JACKIE: Well, you’ll always be “dumbass” to me.
My wife, ladies and gentlemen.
And now, I must leave you – even though I’m not actually here… never mind. I want to thank all of you for being my fans, followers, sounding boards, friends, and the best damn people I’ve never actually met.
I’d love to thank you all individually but that could take years and cost thousands of lives. (Jealousy is an ugly, ugly thing, folks.) So here we go:
To everyone who has ever read my blog, followed it, “liked” it, commented, or even followed me on Twitter or supported me in any way… I am eternally grateful. I was a lonely kid (hard to believe, I know), and so I never could have imagined I’d grow up to have such a wonderful family and such fantastic, steadfast friends.
But I do.
Have a very Merry Christmas everyone. You deserve it.
See you in the lobby, you animals…