The Off-Season Sucks!

But at least it’s not completely boring…

The off-season in Niagara Falls is filled with plenty of activity; unfortunately, most of it involves me doing… a whole lot of nothing. Still there have been a few “bright” spots worth sharing with the blogosphere. Here now, is a sampling of some of the sound bites that have lit up my winter so far.

Let’s start with a not-so-young lady who decided to come unglued just as I was walking into the room with her luggage.

“Is that Cracker Boy here with the bags yet? Grandma needs her weed!”

The worst part? She wasn’t even black.

breakThis couple knew I was on my way to their room; in fact, I was at their door with the bags – but I guess the young lady decided there are times when you just have to say…


For once, I was speechless… for five seconds. Then I had to shout a response.


Yeah, I’m a jerk. But at least I’m an entertaining jerk. The old couple walking by at that moment were certainly entertained…

“Did you hear that, Harold? The young man is very polite, isn’t he?”

But Harold knew better.

“Quiet, Mary!  He has no choice… they’re getting it on!”

Mary just giggled like a school girl, blushed, dropped her head and kept on walking.

breakThis one speaks for itself.

“I don’t have any money, but I need a bellman!  Can I get one?”

What does one say to this?

“I you do realize miss, that you’ve seriously impacted the level of service you’re about to receive? I mean, at this point the best you can hope for is “airline porter service”, which means we whip your bags around like rubber balls!”

Sadly, I was forced to help this anteater. She took off for parts unknown. (To feast on the souls of newborn puppies, would be my guess.) I arrived at her room, discovered she had left money for the housekeeper on the desk, met her brain donor husband and suffered further agony when we got back downstairs to the valet deck.

“The car is going to be awhile… you’re probably pretty busy. Do you want to leave the bags on the ground and go?”

Under normal circumstances, this is something I would never do (a bellman sticks with a call, any call, until the bitter end), but this winter has already tried my patience beyond the breaking point.

“I have nothing else to do, sir… this winter has been ridiculously-quiet… but I’ll leave the bags here!

He was surprised but he kept going.

“I don’t have any money to tip you!”

This guy was amazing.

“Your wife already covered that, sir. And by ‘covered it’, I mean she already told me you weren’t going to tip me! You have a Merry Christmas, all right?”

And with that, I went through the $250,000 Revolving Door of Doom (it’s sensors malfunction more often than not) and left my new “friend” to his own devices as I wished a death by zombie cat virus upon him.

breakThat last tale does help illustrate a common theme I’ve already seen this winter; people are openly hostile in a way my department has never seen before. Not only will they tell us they’re going to stiff us (they don’t get points for honesty), they freak out like nobody’s business when we inform them of the hotel’s full-service status.

“What do you mean I can’t have my own baggage cart? I’m an American citizen!”

I don’t recall a line in the  Declaration of Independence that reads, “Life liberty and the pursuit of one’s own luggage cart while in a foreign land”…

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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16 Responses to The Off-Season Sucks!

  1. Hope you have a lovely Christmas. No doubt more tales will follow. 🙂

  2. You could direct them to a Motel 6! They keep the light on!

  3. shimoniac says:

    Ever thought about sending their luggage to the wrong room, or putting it in the wrong car? My personal favourite is adding a pair of stained panties and a random sex toy from the lost and found.

  4. susielindau says:

    I lost it at, “cracker boy.”
    Merry Christmas, Hook!

  5. Nice thing about off season you get stories you can savor.

  6. List of X says:

    Actually, the US Constitution does say that people’s stuff can’t be taken without the due process, but it doesn’t apply to full-service hotels in Canada.

  7. 1jaded1 says:

    I can’t believe you were speechless, even for 5 seconds!

    People are tools. Grr.

  8. Morons! For every dickhead that doesn’t tip you, I will pray there are 3 that more than make up for the lack of their integrity and stupidity! I think I need to come to Niagara Falls… stay at your hotel, just so I can be one of those people! LOL! 😉

  9. curvyroads says:

    Lord, what a bunch of losers…maybe Niagara is hosting a loser convention you hadn’t heard about?

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