The Hook’s Rules.

As a veteran of the hotel biz, I can honestly say the modern-day hospitality industry has gotten stale.

  • You check in.
  • You check out.
  • Unlike that Eagles song, you actually leave.

It’s time to shake things up, beginning with your first few moments at the destination of your choice. If I was in charge of the check-in process at my hotel things would be different, to say the least.

(And yes, I realize I just snagged the “Understatement of the Year” award. Shut up.)

If I was in charge I’d restructure the questions clerks normally ask guests to reflect the reality of our modern society.

Instead of “Smoking or Non-smoking?”, I’d ask…

“Do you plan on poisoning yourself with a deadly combination of 600 ingredients, that, when burned, create more than 7,000 chemicals, at least 69 of which are known to cause cancer, and are poisonous? If so, we’ll have ask for a higher deposit. You know, in case you cough up an organ or die suddenly in the room and stink up the place.”


Instead of “Double Occupancy or More?”, I’d ask…

“Do you plan on bringing a dozen of your closest personal friends/associates/strangers/farm animals to the suite in order to do maximum damage in the minimum amount of time?”



Instead of “Would you like the Honeymoon Suite?”, I’d ask…

“Would you prefer the sodomy suite? It comes with an introductory video by an experienced adult film star, a medical kit and 24-hour onsite medical service.”

Who says romance is dead, right?



Instead of “Are you part of our rewards program?”, I’d ask…

“Are you someone who spends so much time away from home your wife has had you declared legally dead three times this year already? Do your kids still recognize you? Do love to frustrate yourself by signing up for programs that require you to spend thousands of dollars for a reward valued at $18.95?”


Instead of “Will this be on your credit card today?”, I’d ask…

“Would you be interested in helping me revive the barter system today? I’d be willing to put you up in a two-bedroom deluxe suite. In exchange, all it would cost you is your largest child and a mate with strong, child-bearing hips.”


Instead of “Your check-out date is…”, I’d ask…

“I assume you’re familiar with our policy: You can check out anytime you like… but you can never leave?”


Instead of “Will there be anything else today?”, I’d ask…

“Would you like fries with that?”

Because I’ve never actually had a job that required me to utter those words, and so obviously I haven’t suffered enough to achieve Nirvana. Or any other Seattle grunge band, for that matter.


I’m obviously never going to move beyond the Bell Desk but that’s all right. When I started in this job over eighteen years ago I met a wise old customer service rep from one of the biggest chains in the world who told me…

“If you’re smart, pal, you’ll never let them promote you, shift you to another department, or do anything that takes you away from the Bell Desk! As long as you’re there you’ll make money and have more fun than you can handle. Bellmen are at the top of the food chain. Period.”

And he was right. Boy, was he ever right.

And that’s it! NaBloPoMo is over! I actually saw something other than a coital encounter through to its natural conclusion! I’m knackered!

See you in the lobby, kids…


About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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12 Responses to The Hook’s Rules.

  1. I find the bloody rigmarole at hotel checkins a royal pain in the arse. ‘Give me a sodding room, if there’s a problem I’ll let you know. If there’s isn’t I’ll keep schtum. Ergo, if I don’t raise an issue, there is no sodding issue. GIVE ME A ROOM!’
    Mildly surprised you still have smoking rooms. They were phased out here in the 1990s.

  2. The Cutter says:

    And what would you do if they said they did want fries?

  3. Congrats my dear! You made it!! Woohoo! Now, can we expect you to continue to post every day??? Hmmm?? well??? ;-P

  4. curvyroads says:

    Congrats, Robert, you did it! And we were entertained for 30 full days! 🙂

  5. Congratulations. See it wasn’t all that painful. Next year save yourself and have a tooth pulled instead.

  6. Rose says:

    Congrats (a few days late, ha!) on surviving NaBloPoMo…you were most excellent!! 🙂

  7. “Would you like fries with that?” ~ Yes, I have. But only with customers I know well. 😉
    A lot of those questions could be combined to create massive confusion, and thus – hilarity and entertainment for you.

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