Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Aussa Lorens.

Uncovering the information you are about to read required the sacrifice of dozens of lives.

Of course, they were the lives of interns so who gives a toss, really?

Aussa Lorens (that may or may not be her real name), is a mysterious creature whose legend has spread far and wide across both the virtual and so-called real worlds. As such, her myth has become somewhat… muddled, much like a Kardashian’s tan.


Here now, are ten completely verifiable facts

(not really)

about the goddess known as Aussa Lorens.

1)  Wonder Woman is her bitch.  (Yes, she’s that tough.)

2)  Her “after dark” site, Lorens’ Lair is considered so freaky its been banned by every country and state in the world. Except New Jersey, of course.

3)  In Rob Ford’s words: “Aussa is the one drug I don’t want to quit.” Immediately after giving this statement, he danced a jig and vomited all over a girl scout troop. So it was a Tuesday.

4)  An abandoned Game of Thrones storyline saw Aussa overthrowing every kingdom, taming every supernatural creature and sleeping with every major character (of both genders, of course) – all in one episode.


6)  I don’t want to say a date with Aussa is intense, but before she became an “honest woman”, her prospective suitors had to not only sign a waiver and submit to a full battery of tests both physical and psychological, they had to present a copy of their last will and testament and proof that their internment arrangements had been finalized and paid for in full. Oh, and she is the only female in recorded history to out-party Charlie Sheen, so you know she’s BAD-ASS.

7)  Years of classified operations with various clandestine government agencies have made her the only person with enough security clearance to greet President Obama with “What’s happen’, Hot Chocolate!” without being gunned down by the Secret Service.

8)  Screw that beer-swilling, hairy, old bastard with the hookers, Aussa Lorens is The Most Interesting Man in the World.

9)  Her literary collaboration with yours truly, “Hacker. Ninja. The Hook. Spy: Aussa and Robert Conquer the World.” is due next year from What The Frak? Press.

10)  Her army of trained squirrels is almost ready to strike, so make your allegiance to her known or suffer the consequences.

This concludes the revelations for today, my friends. Carry this knowledge with you and make good use of it as you walk Aussa’s planet.


To be clear, this post is my not-creepy-at-all love letter to one of the coolest chicks on the planet, and is in no way a lame attempt to fill space before NaBloPoMo ends.

See you in the lobby, kids…


About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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14 Responses to Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Aussa Lorens.

  1. She is pretty darn cool; nice of you to profile her 🙂

  2. You’re insane. That was good though.

  3. List of X says:

    #4 is not an abandoned storyline. It’s how HBO is going to go end the series with in case George R. R. Martin dies before finishing all the GOT books. It’s in Martin’s last will and testament.

  4. andi says:

    She’s the actual best.

  5. curvyroads says:

    Aussa is the coolest…I am glad to virtually know both of you, though!

    Great list, Robert, but one note; I believe #10 should be her “army of trained baby goats”, just sayin’…

  6. Aussa is the most awesome blogger woman (other than MamaMick) that is in the blogesphere!! LOVE LOVE LOVE her!!

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