Not-so-Great Moments in Parenting: Hook Edition.

My parenting formula is as follows:

  • 100% Good Intentions.
  • 50% Blind Luck.
  • 50% “Go Ask Your Mom!”

Hey, if Lou Ferrigno can give 150%, I can give 200%! Besides, my good intentions don’t actually count…

But getting back to me, I’m the first to admit that I would not only be lost without my wife’s influence, I most likely would too busy attending parent/teacher conferences to blog at all. I do my best, but my daughter is a wonderful, healthy and joyful human being largely due to the influence – and medical attention – of my wife.

p_fEvery play-date I’ve ever supervised…

Here then, are a few of my parenting milestones, beginning with sentences that should have died in my throat.

 

“GO TO YOUR ROOM!”

What was I thinking? The kid has the following items in her dwelling:

  • One 32-inch, flat-screen television with one hundred channels.
  • Two million DVDs. My math may be slightly exaggerated; that figure is based on the number of times I’ve had to open my wallet in the electronics department of Walmart…
  • One DVD player. Lucky for her, right? Otherwise those movies and boxed sets of Supernatural would be tainting her daily.
  • One CD player and five thousand CDs.
  • Sixty-five Monster High dolls and dozens of Funkos. If you’re unfamiliar with the Monster High franchise, look it up. I did so when I realized the funds normally devoted to my weekly comic book  run were being diverted to pay for a doll named Draculaura, which I still maintain sounds like a Gothic stripper.
  • One iPad.
  • One laptop.
  • One netbook.
  • An incalculable number of miscellaneous items.

I’d love to be sent to her room. Especially since I paid for everything in it.

break

“GO ASK YOUR MOTHER!”

Once again, I really should know better. The scenario plays out the same every single time.

  • She poses a question designed to mess with my head, like “What’s dry-humping?”.
  • I send her off to my long-suffering wife.
  • My wife counters with “What did he say? BOY!!”  Yes, she calls me “Boy”. Don’t ask.
  • Our daughter returns and I make my wife regret her course of action by breaking the cardinal rule of parenting” I tell my daughter the truth.
  • My daughter returns to my wife and the roof lifts from the house as my wife pulls me aside and scrispers to me –  a “scrisper” is the tone that lies between a whisper and a scream – “Really? You can write a book and blogs but you can’t come up with a lie good enough to fool a kid?”
  • I slink away, my head hung in shame.
  • I get over it pretty quick.

break

“WHY, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE…”

I always swore those words would never pass my lips in a parenting context, but so much for vows. I think the desire to drag our offspring down Memory Lane is encoded into our DNA. Unfortunately, in the storied history of parenting this tactic has never succeeded. Except for eliciting eye rolls, it’s great for that.

The truth is, our kids don’t care about what we went through. You know how I know that? Because we didn’t care what our parents went through. The circle remains unbroken.

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” doesn’t quite apply; its more like “It’s broke… but maybe it’s better this way.”

break

“DON’T TELL MOM!”

This one never works. 

Case in point: I took my daughter to see Iron Man 3 years ago and the instructions from my wife were quite clear: “Share a popcorn between you and that’s it! We have to watch our spending!”

Of course you know what happened.

Two slices of pizza happened. A ginormous popcorn with butter happened. And a bladder-buster size pop happened.

She enjoyed herself, but eventually, my daughter cracked and sang like a jailhouse informant. I faced my judge, jury and executioner with my head held… mighty low.. (At least she’s damn hot!)

So be it. It certainly won’t be the last time…

In closing, I’ll tell you what I always tell my wife when called upon to answer for my parenting misfires:

 

“In my defense… I mean well. And I love you”

 

Hey, I’ve never claimed to be Perry Mason.

See you in the lobby, kids…

NaBloPoMo_2015

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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30 Responses to Not-so-Great Moments in Parenting: Hook Edition.

  1. Sounds like a perfect parent to me! Especially the part about all the wonderful stuff in her bedroom. Would you consider adopting me? I’m kinda old but not too expensive! (and I don’t need any explanations on dry-humping….)

  2. List of X says:

    Dry humping is just riding a camel in the desert while completely sober.

  3. likeitiz says:

    I’m sure she rolled her eyes.

  4. NancyTex says:

    I want a play date at your house. That’s totally my jam.

  5. When our youngest was a toddler I decided to give her anything she asked for and on top of that to never raise my voice to her. She is 26 and never caused a minute of trouble. You did right on the movie munchies.

  6. Doug in Oakland says:

    Good for you for telling your daughter the truth. At least that way you get your two cents in, among the misinformation from her friends and the internet…

  7. Kids sent to their room these days couldn’t imagine what it was like to be sent to your room when all there was was a bed, a desk a few toys and a bookself! I rememeber howling and crying because being sent to my room meant I’d miss my favourite show “Nooooooooooooo”!

  8. Lucky Wreck says:

    That play date photo is awesome. I laughed so hard my drink came out my nose.

  9. curvyroads says:

    Draculaura, lol!

    And YES to the play date!!!

  10. So true! 🙂

    cupofbitching.blogspot.ca

  11. Classic Hookery. 🙂

  12. “Classic Hookery” – I love it! And, three classic phrases that fail miserably – which we all learn eventually. My daughter’s room sounds eerily similar, though thankfully she never got into Monster High other than a Halloween costume in 2nd grade. And what is it about girls that they can’t be trusted not to sing like a canary? Boys, on the other hand…

    • The Hook says:

      Boys, on the other hand, are a breed apart.
      Our rooms are a breeding ground for bacteria.

      • True, that. His lips are tightly sealed but at last count his room contained 3 dirty glasses (with various levels of cloudy water), one bowl, 5 empty Dr.Pepper cans, and a bunch of empty snack wrappers not in the trash can (which is located less than a foot away).

  13. The Cutter says:

    When my daughter asks me tough questions (like “what’s a testicle”) I usually go super clinical on her to the point where she’s utterly confused. This works now. Not sure how it will work in a few years

  14. I didn’t send my daughter to her room. Her time out was sitting on the steps! She was not allowed to “go to her room” because of all the electronics. And I was too lazy to remove everything..LOL! I always tell my daughter the truth. I just might omit certain details…
    Sounds like you do a pretty good job Robert! But I will probably have to give Vampire Lover the credit…mostly! *giggle*

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