I rarely discuss my offspring on social media, for several good reasons.
1) Any father worth his salt knows better than to violate his teenage daughter’s privacy – unless he wants to unleash a firestorm of screaming/ranting/destruction of household property.
2) My wife, ever the fiercely-protective mother, has a helluva right hook.
But the following events are by no means exclusive to my humble home. In fact, many of you will recognize a typical morning in the Hookey household as a typical morning in your own.
7 AM: I wake from a from-blissful-slumber (the dog has developed the far-from-cute habit of “requesting” to be put out in the middle of the night), to begin the arduous/hazardous task of getting my child out of a coma brought on by late nights of writing, homework and NCIS binge-watching.
7:02: I carefully open my daughter’s door and inform her the time has come for her to join the waking world. Her reaction?
Yes, it’s a bit underwhelming, isn’t it? Her groan is so low, it takes months of training to even register it within human parameters. She then pulls the sheets over her head and returns to the Dreamscape. I return to my room.
VAMPIRELOVER: Did you wake the kid?
ME: I certainly tried.
7:10: My second attempt.
“Uh… Skippy! Leave me alone!”
An octave higher but no closer to success, I’m afraid.
7:30: The wife, dog and I are downstairs preparing ourselves for the day ahead. Well, the wife and I are; the dog can usually be found licking herself, eating or humping a stuffed animal, all of which give her great satisfaction.
7:33: My daughter finally appears… looking as though she lost a fight with God.
ME: Morning, kiddo! Want some breakfast?
ME: That’s a “no”, I’m assuming?
ME: So you’re good?
At this point, my wife intercedes and pulls me out of there before all Hell breaks loose.
It should be noted that my daughter is an above-average student, an animal lover, a wonderful human being and the best damn kid I could ever ask for.
But in the end, she’s only human… and definitely not a morning person.
See you in the lobby, kids…