Horny Idiots Will Be Horny Idiots…

Although I’ve seen more than the average mind could fathom in my seventeen years of service as a Niagara Falls bellman, I’ll never say “I’ve seen it all.”

But today, I came close.

A young lady with ridiculously-smooth mocha skin accompanied by a whiter-than-a-Yeti-in-a-snowstorm boyfriend, requested my assistance to, and I quote:

“Get our shit to the room while Lenny and I take in the sights! I’ve always wanted to do it in public so we’re going to find a spot close to the Falls! Okay?”

Classy.

And so I headed out to their SUV, loaded their four bags, each one heavier than the last (she joked that “one or two have fresh bodies in ’em!”) onto my cart before returning to my lair luggage room to scrub my brain with bleach. And that’s when it all truly went sideways. Literally.

A side-pocket on a pink duffel bag succumbed to the forces of gravity, spilling its contents all over the well-traveled concrete floor. And those contents, kids? They were shocking enough to make the Marquis de Sade change his ways and become a monk.

I’d recount the full list for you here, but it’s too early and besides, my glasses fog up just thinking about it…

At any rate, I fetched some surgical gloves we use to polish carts, picked up the naughty devices/toys and shoved them back into the bag. No sooner had I completed my task, foolishly believing the worst was over, than my new female “friend” returned.

“I’m baaack! Did you miss me? Anyway, I forgot a bag!”

The suitcase in question was huge; how the hell she ever forgot this thing, I’ll never know. But I’m glad she did.

I began to take the Hello Kitty (Yep. Another beloved children’s character ruined for me forever.) suitcase away when it began to buzz an all-too-familiar buzz. My new friend just looked at her boyfriend with a look that screamed:

“Should we get the bag back and deal with that noise, honey? Or should we just take off and find a place to fornicate?”

It was time for my patented style of intervention. 

ME:  I’ve got this folks. Most of the time it’s just an electric toothbrush.. even though it’s never actually an electric toothbrush!

They just stood there, caught red handed, so to speak.

HORNY HER:  Uh…

HORNY HIM:  Uh…

Articulate, weren’t they?

ME:  Honestly, I’ve got it, folks. You can head out (nice choice of words, right?), and I’ll deal with your “toothbrush”.

I even made air quotes, for full effect.

In the end, they handed over a few bucks (something they had neglected to do originally), and took off to break a few public decency laws.

I love it when everyone wins, don’t you? Incidentally, I didn’t shut off her vibrator, choosing to let it buzz away in their empty room until they returned from their “Niagara adventure”.

Yeah, I can be a dick sometimes. But in my defense… it’s really, really fun.

See you in the lobby, kids…