Incidentally, those are the exact words I had to continually repeat to my wife all through our wedding ceremony. And our wedding night. And every night since then, in fact.
Let’s move on, shall we?
A colleague recently asked me, “Hook, you love that Bloggess chick, don’t you? Why? What’s so great about her?”
Well, first of all, if you’re not familiar with the tightrope-walk-over-a-vat-of-nitroglycerin that is Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess, click here. Bear in mid that the rest of us will be here waiting for you (it’s only civilized), so don’t dilly-dally, Poindexter.
All set? Took you long enough; I had time to check my stocks (I’m not sure, but I think there may no money in weasel futures), shame my dog on the web, get blocked by several celebrities on “The Twitter” and cook a turkey. But you’re back, so that’s all that matters, right?
So, in my opinion, what’s so great about The Bloggess? Let’s see…
10) She has a cool cyber-moniker. Not that there’s anything wrong with “Jenny Lawson” (it beats the hell out of “Robert Hookey”), but The Bloggess gets right to the point. She has girl parts. She has a blog. The math does itself.
9) There are stuffed animals all over her home, blog and work. People love animals. The Bloggess knows this and so she gives the people what they want. Granted, in this case the animals have shuffled off this mortal coil, had their insides removed and replaced with stuffing, but they’re still cute, furry creatures, so…
Hey, I just realized something! If she were so inclined, The Bloggess could probably beat someone to death a stuffed seal. Wouldn’t that be ironic?
8) The publishing world’s Powers-That-Be love her. Publishers wouldn’t spit on me if I was on fire. (Trust me, I’ve tested this theory.) And I can’t tell you what literary agents have said to me – not in this PG-rated forum, at least. So you can see why I have such a deep respect for Jenny Lawson, the book world’s Joan of Arc, right?
Okay, so maybe Joan of Arc wasn’t the greatest example, but I was already talking about fire, so…
7) She curses in her work. I love it when girls curse. Don’t ask me why; I just find it ridiculously-attractive when a penis-challenged individual acts like one of the boys while maintaining her female identity. But that’s just me.
6) She’s in book stores all over the world. She’s even on tour right now. I once went on a tour of book stores. Okay, the police referred to it as a “crime spree.”
5) She has a lovely family. I admire anyone who uses their genes for good rather than evil. Rather than emulate Kris Jenner and produce a race of soul-sucking, media-spotlight-grabbing-zombies, The Bloggess has created a perfectly normal, wonderful daughter who will no doubt give to the world rather than take from it. I like that.
4) She has more awards than Spielberg. As they say, she has them up the wazoo (which I imagine is quite painful most days). In fact, The Huffington Post (the guys and gals who hate me more than Trump hates Mexicans), named her the “Greatest Person of the Day” for her charitable work in December 2010.
I have a plaque for being an exceptional bellman.
Needless to say, the win goes to The Bloggess.
3) She rocks at book titles. Her first book was Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Her second was Furiously Happy. (Which, by the way, is how people feel after reading this particular tome.) I have an aneurysm every time I try to title a post, never mind a book.
2) Pictures like this…
This pic – and Jenny Lawson’s work in general – is like an anti-zombie virus: It makes you feel more alive.
Let’s face it, this isn’t an easy world in which to live, thrive and survive. There are over seven billion of us trying to carve out a piece of a world designed to hold considerably less. The end result is a power struggle akin to two subway rats fighting over a slice of dirty, stale pizza. Now more than ever, it is important to acknowledge the value of clowns, jesters, speakers of truth, bloggers.
This world needs The Bloggess and her unique view. I shudder to think where we would be without her.
And finally, the point of this entire exercise, the reason I have decided to shamelessly worship Jenny Lawson on my tiny corner of the web, the reason why I admire and respect her so much…
1) She’s broken and she owns it. Public speaking. Boarding an airplane. Taking a walk amongst the masses. Ignoring the pain and voice of inner disbelief. Some of the things we take for granted are a struggle for Jenny Lawson. But anyone who has ever read her work knows that, don’t they? She shares her pain with the world.
We suffer with her.
We heal with her.
Because of her, I can say this:
“My name is Robert Hookey. I have survived childhood trauma but it is never far from the forefront of my mind. I watched the greatest man I’ve ever known perish before my eyes and the image is with me. Always. I am broken… but who cares?”
And I’m far from the only soul who has been inspired thusly.
That’s all I have for you today, friends. Now if you’ll excuse me, public vulnerability always leaves me knackered. I’m out.
See you in the lobby…