Walking The Minefield That is The Hotel Biz.

After almost-two decades in the hospitality circus biz, it’s safe to say I’ve encountered more “fascinating souls” (i.e nut bars), than the average soul. And so it’s not out of the realm of possibility to imagine that every once in awhile these encounters result in a visit to the hotel’s HR office.

And yes, I know what you’re thinking:

“Seriously, Hook? ‘Every once in awhile’? I’m surprised you don’t have a seat reserved in HR!”

Well, I don’t, Mr. or Mrs. Wiesenheimer. Anyone who knows me well enough knows I’ve become a master at evading write-ups by choosing my moments carefully. I know when to strike and when to stay uncharacteristically silent. But since we’re on the subject…

I Won’t Get Sent To HR If…

I tell a guest who has eight kids and a pregnant wife, “Don’t you think it’s time for a television in the bedroom, sir? It’d be cheaper than a casket for your poor wife.”

I Will Get Sent To HR If…

I tell the same guest, “Sir, in the interest of saving your poor wife’s womb, I’d be willing to arrange for a vasectomy with a pair of office scissors.”

To be clear: I was going to watch a YouTube video first.


I Won’t Get Sent To HR If…

A guest – who also happened to be an ordained minister – who regularly visited the hotel and who upon checking in, faithfully ordered a ridiculously-young hooker, found his room service meal tasted “mothy” and his car keys went missing temporarily.

I Will Get Sent To HR If…

I happened to inform the guest, “I realize Jesus had a thing for prostitutes, which, by the way, helped get him nailed… literally… but he was also a charmer who could cure the ill. You’re no Jesus, sir. And this robbing-the-cradle-even-though-you’re-paying-a-handsome-fee-to-do-so shtick is getting old. Fast.”

To be clear: This scumbag never returned to the hotel, so it was totally worth it.


I Won’t Get Sent To HR If…

I bite my tongue when Pink visits the hotel and demands all staff members refrain from addressing her so as to avoid offending her less-famous husband. (Don’t you just love the rich and famous?)

I Will Get Sent To HR If…

My parting retort to DJ Jazzy Jeff, who ignored me while chatting on his cellphone the entire time I was delivering his luggage, was, “I can only assume that’s not Will Smith on the other end of the line.”

Again, totally worth it.


I Won’t Get Sent To HR If…

A hearty “Absolutely!” is my only response when Louis Farrakhan, Sr.’s armed entourage informs me that “No one takes the Brother Farrakhan’s bags anywhere without one of us!”

Seriously, these Nation of Islam brothers were packin’ serious heat under those bulky suit jackets – and there was at least a dozen of them to my one Hook. I never did see the Brother Farrakhan emerge from his luxury RV but his presence was unmistakable. He even had the floor patrolled by his men. You can never be too careful when you piss off Whitey I guess…

I Will Get Sent To HR If…

I ask one of Brother Farrakhan’s men, “So who do you think would win in a street fight between your boys and those Scientology crackers?”

breakI guess it’s a good thing the girls in Human Resources love me, right?

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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19 Responses to Walking The Minefield That is The Hotel Biz.

  1. markbialczak says:

    Pick your spots well, my friend, and keep sharing what you see with us!

  2. Doug in Oakland says:

    Scientology crackers are best served with garlic and onion dip…

  3. Hahahahaha. I had a few ‘cautions’ when I worked in various service industries. But sometimes even if you really make waves, you get away with it… Or I did. https://nobodysreadingme.wordpress.com/2015/02/23/how-to-deal-with-a-difficult-customer/

  4. 1jaded1 says:

    This is why I love you, too (and fear for your safety).

  5. Paul says:

    Ha! Some day you will go out in either a blaze of gunfire or get promoted to company president. Either way we are along for the ride and eagerly awaiting the next installment Hook!

    Great stuff Hook.

  6. List of X says:

    I think that last question will more likely send you to a hospital.

  7. Bob Lee says:

    Ooh … Thank you for the smile. I wish I was as wise as you quite some time ago. You always get me with your humor and sarcasm. Funny how so many people just don’t get sarcasm. Ooh .. BTW, I was one of those weisenheimers… lol

  8. curvyroads says:

    I am duly impressed how you put the slow times to such good use in determining the right approach for so many unthinkable situations… please keep educating your faithful followers! 😉

  9. I love the way your mind works Robert.. I just love the way your mind works!! 😉

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