There are certain phrases a bellman should never, ever utter – under any circumstances.
“No that’s all right… you don’t have to tip me.”
“You’re right, Ginger Lynn wasn’t the hottest porn star of all time.”
“Yes, Mr. or Mrs. Asian Tour Director, that was me who delivered your group’s luggage while dressed as Godzilla.”
“Yes, miss, I saw everything when I accidentally walked in on you and that midget.”
And finally, the phrase no bellman worth their salt should ever speak, even with a gun to their head…
“Now I’ve seen everything.”
I’ve been in this game for almost two decades now, kiddies, and trust me, whenever I think I’ve seen just about everything? Well, that’s when Mistress Fate comes along and slaps me right in the junk – hard.
Seven thirty on a Saturday morn: I stumbled into the employee entrance with all the grace of a freshly-resuscitated corpse, only to be met with a boisterous greeting emanating from the Security office. The hyper voice in question belonged to a colleague who, even though he toils in the midnight shift, has more energy in the mornings than a squirrel on a mix of coke and Super Soldier Serum.
“HEY HOOK!HOOK!HOOK!HOOK! YOU’VE GOT TO SEE THIS!”
Reluctantly, I responded and am I ever glad I did. Picture this: surveillance footage of a nondescript interior employee entrance. A bumbling, white male goofball, chubby, balding and of average build – who was lit up like Rockefeller Center on New Year’s Eve, enters the frame, wobbling like a drunken uncle on Christmas Eve.
He is carrying a fire extinguisher.
You just know this is going to be good, right?
Keeping his back to the camera, he proceeds to teeter back and forth while starting at one of two locked doors separating the employee hallway from the basement stairs. Finally, he employs the extinguisher and fires a blast of compressed gas at the lock. When that fails to have the desired effect he continues to fire away.
Of course now you’re thinking, “What the H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks is going on here, Hook?” Well, because I’m a nice guy (hard to believe, I know), I’ll tell you. I can only assume the drunken ass-hat in question was playing MacGyver and was attempting to freeze the door’s metal lock with the extinguisher before shattering it.
But this guy was no Richard Dean Anderson.
He switched doors after several failed attempts but his luck was no better, and to make matters worse – and even more pathetic/hilarious – by this time the corridor was filled with gas. Now MacGyver Lite begins to gag as his lungs fill up and so he begins to use the intercom to buzz Security, hoping they would let him in.
Yep. That’s like calling the cops when you can’t break into a liquor store, right? But he did it anyway.
Naturally, Security didn’t let him in. Instead they called the authorities. Before they arrived though, MacGyver Lite decides he doesn’t like to gag (who does, right, ladies?), and so he drops the fire extinguisher and stumbles off slowly.
His final destination? The lobby. Specifically, the Bell Desk. Where the authorities were waiting. His response?
“Wasn’t me, officers!”
Unfortunately, MacGyver Lite’s case came unglued when the cops pointed out the white powder all over his clothes. In the end, our hero did indeed bypass a locked door – except in this case it was a locked cell.
The best part of our tale?
In his “civilian” life MacGyver Lite is actually a corporate fire safety specialist. And apparently he knows of more uses for a fire extinguisher than us mere mortals do.
Well, that was my morning before my morning actually began. Since then, it’s been one minor crisis (a type of fire, if you will), after another.
And guess who’s in charge of the fire extinguisher? Wish me luck.
See you in the lobby, friends…