I may have a wealth of adventures on my own, but a bellman is often simply a fly on the wall, one that is never bored.
They were a middle-aged couple waiting for an elevator. Both were reasonably-fit. He was blonde like a California surfer past his prime, moderately fit and still had his hair (lucky bastard). She was the type of woman most human beings of both genders would kill to be with. Picture a ginger Kim Kardashian that you don’t want to murder. Clearly, he had cash and she liked it. A match made in what passes for Heaven these days.
All good? Then we’ll proceed.
HIM: So what do you want for dinner tonight?
HER: Oh, so now you’re paying attention to me?
HER: You really have no idea, do you? I’ve been talking to you for ten minutes!
She really had been. Don’t ask me what she was talking about; I was too busy thinking about my next call while waiting for the explosion I knew was sure to come. (My instincts, honed over nearly two decades, never fail.)
HIM: Well, how am I supposed to know what you’re talking about? You say so many things, I lose track!
At least he was honest. Not that it helped him.
HER: You’re something else! Has it always been this way?
HIM: Hell, yeah! When we first got married, I barely recognized that you had a head!
Told you he was honest.
She huffed, puffed and looked at me with a “Do you believe this guy?”, type of look.
ME: (While shrugging my shoulders.) Hey, I’ve been married twenty years, miss, I know better than to get in the middle of this! At least he’s honest. Don’t women want that in a mate?
He broke out in laughter.
HIM: He’s got a point, honey.
HER: (While still huffing and puffing.) You both suck!
At that point he pulled her close, grabbed her ass and kissed her neck while whispering (but not that quietly), “I’ll make it up to you in the room!”
ME: Just make sure you wait until you get to the room, sir! We’re slammed right now and I really need to get on this elevator with you!
HIM: You heard that? You got good ears, man!
ME: Comes with the territory! It helps when you’re trying to hear through hotel room doors!
HIM: Nice! Bet you’ve heard some interesting stuff.
ME: You have no idea.
She gave me a come-hither look which inspired my next comment.
ME: But I try to stay on the sidelines whenever possible.
HER: (In a husky, no-longer-upset-at-all voice) Oh! You mean you don’t want to join in, Mr, Bellboy?
HIM: (While chuckling, but not surprised at all.) She’s something else, isn’t she? See why I love her?
ME: Yeah, it’s quite clear, sir. To answer your question, miss, I’m afraid my own wife and I have an understanding.
HER: What’s that?
ME: She’d kill me… and I understand that.
They both took a moment to ponder my words. Then they broke up in raucous laughter.
We got on the elevator together. They groped each other furiously but kept it PG. Relatively.
That’s where our sorted tale ends, I’m afraid. No “Fifty Shades of Hook” this time. Or ever.
See you in the lobby, kids…