Two weeks remain until Fan Expo Canada 2015 is unleashed upon the Multiverse, kids.
If you’re a hardcore nerd like me that statement has you shaking like Donald Trump in a room full of armed Mexicans. If you’re not… then why are you still reading this?
All right, let’s get serious. Oh wait, we’re talking about a comic con here; serious is the last thing we want to be. After all, cons are about FUN! So let’s have some, shall we?
We’ll start with the Cons. I find it’s easier to get the unpleasant stuff out of the way fast; it always works when the wife add veggies to my dinner. Or when she requests foreplay…
(And yes, I’m going to pay a heavy price for that one.)
Ten Fan Expo Canada 2015 Cons
1) I have to wait two weeks until Fan Expo! You have any idea how many sleeps that is? No seriously, do you? I hate math.
2) Jennifer Morrison cancelled. It took her awhile, but my daughter, a ridiculously-dedicated Oncer, understood. These things happen. (You’re still getting an exploding cake in the mail, Jennifer, sorry.)
3) All my attempts at gaining super powers before September have failed, thus annihilating my chances at being the first real superhero at a con. Turns out microwaving a spider doesn’t make it radioactive, it just pisses it off – assuming it doesn’t explode first, that is. Plus, their bites hurt more when their bodies have been heated up.
4) Apparently I’m “too old” to play with LEGOs with the other kids at Fan Expo. I love the wife, but I may have to let her go.
5) RIP, Yvonne Craig. (That’s a “con” on any list.) You’ll be fighting crime – while looking crazy hot – in our memories and our hearts forever, Batgirl.
6) Despite numerous requests, no vendor at this year’s con will be serving bacon-wrapped cats. My dog is pissed.
7) Despite numerous requests – from me, this time – no vendors at this year’s con will be selling telepathic howler monkeys with adamantium skeletons. Gotta say, I’m deeply disappointed. Do you know the fun I could have with a simian companion with such abilities? The hospitality industry would never be the same…
8) All my attempts at gaining super powers before September have failed, thus negating my chances at being the first real super-villain at a con. It’s just as well, I suppose. My lungs always cut out halfway through my mad scientist laugh. Plus, I’m Canadian, we’re too innately nice to be evil.
9) Mads Mikkelsen will be there. He’s television’s Dr. Hannibal Lecter. I don’t know about you, but he gives me the creeps. Yes, I realize that’s his intent but I’m still steering clear of this guy. The Hook’s not winding up as the good doctor’s Canadian bacon.
10) There will be approximately one gazillion nerds in attendance at Fan Expo Canada 2015. Of all those souls, the chances of me meeting someone who hates my guts – or has read my book – are pretty high. With my luck, I’ll run into a guy dressed as Deadpool – who talks like Matthew McConaughey in those Lincoln ads. I need a reasonably-priced bodyguard.
Okay, enough of this doom ‘n gloom stuff! Time to lighten the mood. let’s blow the roof off this here blog, shall we?
Ten Fan Expo Canada 2015 Pros
1) IT’S A CON!! Please forgive my enthusiasm, but let’s face it: even a comic convention held in a burned-out Detroit slaughterhouse would still be a comic convention. There’s no such thing as a sucky con, not really. And Fan Expo is an exceptional con, to say the least.
2) There are too many ass-kicking, mind-blowing, record-breaking, celebrity/comic/horror/sci-fi/anime/gaming/internet/cosplay/authors/voice actors/guests to name here. (I’d crash WordPress once and for all.) Most nerds measure a con by the size of their guest list. Fortunately, Fan Expo is ready to rock the house to its foundations.
3) Fan Expo Canada envelops the entire Metro Toronto Convention Centre, folks. That’s more square footage than Bob the Builder can measure with his bizarre talking tools. Told you they don’t mess around…
Does that not look like a superhero HQ?
4) They have some of the coolest swag in the nerdverse for sale. San Diego seems to have cornered the market on exclusive merchandise for the discerning geek – but Fan Expo is breathing down their necks. Personally, I’ve been saving my allowance all summer so I can score this sweet tee…
5) BILLY DEE!! BILLY DEE!! Yes, I already covered guests (sort of), but Billy Dee Williams kicks 1,800 types of ass – before breakfast. Simply put, people love this guy. He’s cool/self-deprecating/likable on an unimaginable scale. And he was, in my opinion, which is the only opinion that counts here, the smoothest Harvey Dent to ever grace the silver screen.
6) Comics! They get overshadowed by video games, celebrities and other aspects of the modern con, but you can’t have a comic book convention without comic books, kids. Luckily, Fan Expo has all the comic books a geek like me could possibly want. I plan on burning out my retinas. Should be wicked cool.
7) The InnerSpace gang will be there! The irrepressible Teddy Wilson. The amazing Ajay Fry. The magnificent Morgan Hoffman. Individually, they are young, nerdy kids with hearts of gold. Together, they are a force of fandom nature. And they’ll be giving away swag, signing autographs and posing for free pics. So get in line, Spacers.
8) There’s a MY LITTLE PONY stage show! No, I won’t be performing. But I am willing to concede that millions of people love this franchise so it must rock.
9) The attractions. Breakfast with the Stars, a special event in support of SickKids! The Horror Howl! An Evening With The Doctor’s Companions! The LEGO booth! (Excited yet?) The fun goes way beyond the convention floor.
10) I’m going to rip off a major comic franchise, but for many, cons are a safe haven from a world that fears and hates them. I’ve met some of the nicest, most well-adjusted souls in the world at Fan Expo; many of these folks have been persecuted their entire lives.
But not at Fan Expo.
Let’s face it, this is not the easiest world in which to be different. But at a comic book convention there are no losers or transgender freaks. You won’t find anyone who feels out of place. Indeed, if you asked anyone at a con if they would prefer to live in a society modeled after a convention they’d probably begin to weep at the prospect of such a society. Fan Expo is one of my favorite places on the planet (it’s right up there with Niagara Falls Comic Con, of course), and with good reason.
Fan Expo Canada isn’t really a con at all. At its core, it’s home.
See you on the con floor, kids…