Never Mind The Zohan, Don’t Mess With The Hook.

I am a walking study in contradiction, friends.

In my “civilian guise” as Robert Hookey, I’m a fairly mild-mannered Canadian lad. The wife assumes control if we encounter hostile individuals while out and about, and I am more than happy to let her do so. (Not that I have any choice.)

But when I don a certain loose-fitting grey and black monkey suit, the kid gloves are tossed aside and to quote Rodney Dangerfield…

“I don’t take shit from nobody!”

And believe me, I don’t. Granted, one must adhere to a professional code of conduct whenever possible, but one can find plenty of wiggle room if necessary. Of all the stand-offs I’ve had with guests, only a handful have resulted in a conversation with supervisors – who quickly realize they aren’t going to gain any ground where I’m concerned. After eighteen years in the hospitality trenches it’s safe to say I have a developed a rhythm that not only keeps my pockets full, it keeps my pasty white butt out of HR.

(Sorry for the unsavory imagery.)

Here’s something to distract you…

The lovely and talented Ned Hickson!



No? Uh, let’s just carry on, shall we?

Sometimes though, it’s necessary to cross a line or two – without fully admitting to it, of course.

Case in point: A corporate raider once checked into the hotel during one of the busiest weeks we;ve ever experienced. This asshat was a total tool. I mean, he made Kevin O’Leary look warm ‘n fuzzy. He made Piers Morgan look like Santa Claus. He made Simon Cowell look like Mother Theresa.

Get the picture, kids?

So this goofball drives his leased Jaguar onto the valet Deck, berates the doorman…

“Hey, asshole! get over here and get a car jockey to park my car. Now! And don’t even think about letting him scratch it”

…stores his luggage at the Bell Desk and heads to the check-in counter. Naturally, he screamed at the young female clerk when he was informed the room wasn’t ready…

“Who does a guy have to eat to get a room in this dump?”

…and he gave us a line of bull when it came time to have his bags delivered…

“Yeah, I won’t be in the room but you can just dump everything in the room, right?”

Wrong. We never drop bags off without a guest being present. Someone has to verify every bag arrived safely, to say nothing of the fact that Hook’s got to get paid!

And so two separate bellman attempted to drop this schmuck’s bags off at various times… to no avail. In each instance he told us he’d be there but wasn’t. Finally, he called our desk fuming.

“I want my bags delivered… NOW! I’ve got meetings and I won’t be there, so just drop them off! Got it?”

Oh, we got it, all right. The gauntlet had been thrown down and it was up to me (maybe), to pick it up. As a result, the following events may or may not have occurred:

  • A bellman arrived at Mr. Personality’s room.
  • The bellman, upon realizing the blinds were open and every light was on – in the middle of the day – decided to close the blinds and kill every light.
  • Mr. Personality’s bags were then placed directly in front of the door. Maybe.

Time passed, as it tends to do. Buddy Boy arrived back at his room, along with a companion (hooker).

And promptly wiped out over his own luggage.

How do I know this, you ask? Well, the hooker in question happened to be friendly with one of our female security personnel and promptly spilled the beans as she was leaving later on. (I never judge, I merely giggle and blog.) Turns out Mr. Personality was so embarrassed by his fumble he couldn’t… how shall I put this? Well, it turns out he couldn’t “erect” a bridge to Happy Land.

The poor bastard. Karma really is the B-Word, right?

Remember, this may or may not have happened as described. See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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28 Responses to Never Mind The Zohan, Don’t Mess With The Hook.

  1. C.E.Robinson says:

    Robert, how can I say this…you have a bellman’s sinister look? Even though mild mannered in real life. It’s the patterned dark beard & mustache, and the raised eyebrow. Can see that shift. It fits very well with the gray & black bellman’s (super hero) suit. Love it! Christine

  2. Doug in Oakland says:

    A limp corporate raider? That brings new levels of meaning to the word “useless”…

  3. Excellent work my friend! People who think they’re entitled to demean others need to be put in their places as often as possible. Maybe he learned a little something from this incident, and may consider treating people with a little more respect in the future. (Probably not, but one can hope.)

  4. Paul says:

    Well done hook – I love arranging things so that assholes get their comeuppance. Proud of you my friend.

  5. Ned's Blog says:

    I never realized how much we look alike! It’s like looking in a mirror! Must be the “Blue Steel.” By the way, well done on handling Mr. Butthead. Sinister with style. You are the Dark Knight of bellmen.

  6. List of X says:

    I think this accident (both of them) will not in any way improve his demeanor…

  7. Austin says:

    The world would be a better place if more of us would erect bridges to Happy Land. 🙂

  8. You are awesome…and handsome too!

  9. From a person well-ensconced in the same hospitality trenches….I LOVE this!!

  10. Leased jag – oh, yeah we got his number already…”made Kevin O’Leary look warm ‘n fuzzy. He made Piers Morgan look like Santa Claus. He made Simon Cowell look like Mother Theresa.” You got a way with descriptions and character development, Hook.
    Good to compartmentalize life to stay sane and keep that grin.
    (Sounds like a TV comedy show more and more to me….many haven’t seen Bob Newhart and that inn)

  11. jlheuer says:

    I was hoping that was The Hook not Ned Hickson. Does Ned have a picture of you on his blog?

  12. Kevin says:

    Watch out for the leased cars… Good post and story by the way!

  13. markbialczak says:

    Gotta follow the rules, Hook, and idiots get there come-down. Good for you.

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