I am a walking study in contradiction, friends.
In my “civilian guise” as Robert Hookey, I’m a fairly mild-mannered Canadian lad. The wife assumes control if we encounter hostile individuals while out and about, and I am more than happy to let her do so. (Not that I have any choice.)
But when I don a certain loose-fitting grey and black monkey suit, the kid gloves are tossed aside and to quote Rodney Dangerfield…
“I don’t take shit from nobody!”
And believe me, I don’t. Granted, one must adhere to a professional code of conduct whenever possible, but one can find plenty of wiggle room if necessary. Of all the stand-offs I’ve had with guests, only a handful have resulted in a conversation with supervisors – who quickly realize they aren’t going to gain any ground where I’m concerned. After eighteen years in the hospitality trenches it’s safe to say I have a developed a rhythm that not only keeps my pockets full, it keeps my pasty white butt out of HR.
(Sorry for the unsavory imagery.)
Here’s something to distract you…
The lovely and talented Ned Hickson!
No? Uh, let’s just carry on, shall we?
Sometimes though, it’s necessary to cross a line or two – without fully admitting to it, of course.
Case in point: A corporate raider once checked into the hotel during one of the busiest weeks we;ve ever experienced. This asshat was a total tool. I mean, he made Kevin O’Leary look warm ‘n fuzzy. He made Piers Morgan look like Santa Claus. He made Simon Cowell look like Mother Theresa.
Get the picture, kids?
So this goofball drives his leased Jaguar onto the valet Deck, berates the doorman…
“Hey, asshole! get over here and get a car jockey to park my car. Now! And don’t even think about letting him scratch it”
…stores his luggage at the Bell Desk and heads to the check-in counter. Naturally, he screamed at the young female clerk when he was informed the room wasn’t ready…
“Who does a guy have to eat to get a room in this dump?”
…and he gave us a line of bull when it came time to have his bags delivered…
“Yeah, I won’t be in the room but you can just dump everything in the room, right?”
Wrong. We never drop bags off without a guest being present. Someone has to verify every bag arrived safely, to say nothing of the fact that Hook’s got to get paid!
And so two separate bellman attempted to drop this schmuck’s bags off at various times… to no avail. In each instance he told us he’d be there but wasn’t. Finally, he called our desk fuming.
“I want my bags delivered… NOW! I’ve got meetings and I won’t be there, so just drop them off! Got it?”
Oh, we got it, all right. The gauntlet had been thrown down and it was up to me (maybe), to pick it up. As a result, the following events may or may not have occurred:
- A bellman arrived at Mr. Personality’s room.
- The bellman, upon realizing the blinds were open and every light was on – in the middle of the day – decided to close the blinds and kill every light.
- Mr. Personality’s bags were then placed directly in front of the door. Maybe.
Time passed, as it tends to do. Buddy Boy arrived back at his room, along with a companion (hooker).
And promptly wiped out over his own luggage.
How do I know this, you ask? Well, the hooker in question happened to be friendly with one of our female security personnel and promptly spilled the beans as she was leaving later on. (I never judge, I merely giggle and blog.) Turns out Mr. Personality was so embarrassed by his fumble he couldn’t… how shall I put this? Well, it turns out he couldn’t “erect” a bridge to Happy Land.
The poor bastard. Karma really is the B-Word, right?
Remember, this may or may not have happened as described. See you in the lobby, kids…