Hook’s How-to-Guide: Dying, Part One – “The Dirt Contract.”

To clarify, I know you don’t require any help with the “dying” part of life. (Even a Kardashian can handle that.)

But there’s more to the process of leaving this world than just drawing your last breath, cursing everyone who was ever mean to you while in line at Comic Con, and regretting all those premature orgasms. Dying is serious business, kids. Most cemeteries are filling up fast (unfortunately), and the prices are rising even faster. My in-laws purchased their plots thirteen years ago and the price has already doubled.

Talk about a monopoly.

Of course, now you’re asking yourself a few questions, right?

“What’s The Hook on?”

“And more importantly, where can I get some?”

“Is this Bill Cosby mess ever going to end?”

“What’s brought on this sudden burst of ‘joy’, Hook?”

I can’t answer all those questions but the last one is easy. You see, ever since my father-in-law passed away, the wife and I have been putting all our ducks in a row; settling his estate, liquifying real estate holdings (something that, sadly, isn’t as sci-fi as it sounds), closing out bank accounts and cancelling services like hydro and cable and generally closing off his living links to civilization. His passing, while unbelievably tragic and painful for our family, has inspired us to embrace life to the fullest while we still can.

And what says “I love life!” more than purchasing his and her cemetery plots?

Yep, as of yesterday, I am now a land baron. (I own more than one piece of property. Suck it, Trump; I’m coming for you.) Granted, the land in question is only a few feet wide by fourteen feet long, but it still counts. And to think, when the day began the wife and I were merely going out for groceries. But before we knew it, a simple trip became the most expensive journey to the grocery store ever.

It was a blisteringly hot day in Niagara and so we decided to detour and water the plants at my in-laws’ grave. That side-trip inspired a conversation about our own mortality and the lack of space at Fairview Cemetery in Niagara Falls and so we decided to make things easier for our daughter down the road (hopefully way, way, way down the road), and secure two plots of land in which to have our corpses deposited someday. 

Yes, we’re a real fun couple. We intend to follow up this thrill ride with a trip to a slaughterhouse for date night.

And now, friends, it is time for the “How-to” part of this post. You’re no doubt giggling – or rolling your eyes like the wife on date night – but trust me, this is important and slightly complicated stuff.

TO BEGIN WITH:  Did you know that if you plan on being cremated and having your scorched ashes thrown in with your parents, it can become quite complicated? (You can have up to four urns placed in with each plot so a double-plot can “hold’ up to ten people. Cozy.) If you have siblings they have to sign-off on every urn placed in a family plot.  So if you have brothers and sisters you can’t stand, prepare yourself or your kids for a battle royale someday.

If you plan on purchasing your own plots? Well then, you’re off to the dirt nap races, kiddies!

WHAT DO I DO, HOOK?  Glad you asked. Every cemetery has a business office that hasn’t been updated in a hundred years or so. (Which most likely contains a sign that reads; “People are dying to get in.”) Surprisingly, in spite of their environment, the staff will be happy-go-lucky and friendly. They’ll pull out an old, dusty, dirt-covered map of the remaining plots available for sale (the map will be old because there’s been no need to replace it and it will be dirty because cemetery workers tend to have a lot of dirt on their hands, ‘natch) and have a worker take you out to inspect what will be your final resting place for eternity.

Or until the maggots eat your face.

You’d think it’d be easy selecting a plot, but you’d be wrong. Some people want to be close to loved ones (don’t ask me why; it’s not like you’ll be socializing), or even in the shade. Seriously. For example:

THE WIFE:  (Upon seeing the section left for sale at Fairview.) I don’t like it! It’s too close to the road!

ME:  Seriously? You realize those details won’t matter, right?

THE WIFE:  Why?

ME:  BECAUSE YOU’LL BE DEAD!

For the record, she laughed her beautiful behind off at that one. But she still wanted a “good spot”. Our guide, Sam, was quite helpful. He pointed out a spot that was in the centre of the aisle , but not too close to a sewer drain (“Don’t want to have your coffins get wet and weaken too much”), and was even close to my in-laws. It was even wider than most aisles which means all my friends can gather at once and curse God for taking me so soon.

We were sold.

One quick check-writing session later (try not to make purchases you can’t actually afford to pay off fairly quickly, kids or you’ll die financially, which truly sucks), and we were the owners of two plots of Niagara Falls land which I truly hope we won’t be placed under for some time.

IS THIS REALLY WORTH IT, HOOK?  You bet! Your loved ones will have enough to worry about when you shuffle off this mortal coil without having to deal with securing a plot for you. Many folks are even taking this concept one step further by purchasing prepaid funerals.

And think of the financial savings; as I already stated, prices are rising faster than Charlie Sheen’s pulse in Vegas during porn convention week. And let’s face it, most people are not getting healthier as they get older, so your local dirt nap farm will be full before you know it.

And there you have it. See you in the lobby, and the cemetery, kids…

Someday…