It HAS To Be Monday…

There’s simply no other explanation for this post.

 Despite the tightrope-walk-over-a-wormhole-containing-a-million-shrarknados that is my work life, my mornings are fairly routine: I wake up to the alarm clock’s warning, peel the dog off my legs, carry her downstairs so she can evacuate her TARDIS-like (tiny-yet-bigger-on-the-inside-bowels), carry her back upstairs, plop her on the bed and tell the wife to stay asleep while I get ready for work.

Naturally, I know VampireLover will ignore me, so the clock begins ticking, Jack Bauer style, while I get myself ready to face the hordes of travelers waiting for me. But before I know it, that familiar creak begins to emanate from the upper staircase (a ninja could never live in a 10-year-old house), and the bathroom door flings open.

And the thrill ride that is my union begins to unfold again.

VL:  (Upon seeing the sink.)  Hey, Skippy! You used way too much shampoo for a guy with no hair!

ME:  (Otherwise known as “Skippy”.)  My name’s not Skippy, it’s the Hook. And hey, I have hair! It’s ridiculously short, shaved in fact, but I have hair! And how do you know how much shampoo I used?

VL:  I hate “The Hook”! I didn’t marry “The Hook”. And for your information, I can see all the suds left in the sink… Skippy.

ME:  What, all of the sudden you’re Columbo?

VL:  Columbo was a boy… Skippy.

ME:  Fine. What, all of the sudden you’re Mrs. Columbo?

VL:  You’re –

ME:  An idiot, I know.

VL:  Rude, is more like it.

ME:  You have to admit, I keep your life interesting. Without me, you’d be just another desperate housewife, forced to sniff paint fumes just to stave off mind-numbing depression. Either that, or you’d be watching Kardashian TV shows until your brain melts.

VL:  Do you hear yourself sometimes? And no, a vampire would keep my life interesting. And sexy.

ME:  Twenty years of marital bliss and suddenly I’m not good enough?

VL:  That’s not true.

ME:  Aw, thanks, hon.

But I spoke too soon…

VL:  You were never good enough. I just wanted to get out of the house.

 ME:  And they say romance is an antiquated notion in this day and age.

VL:  Romance? More like convenience!

ME: Glad I could be convenient. I’m like the 7-11 of marriage… I’m open for business 24/7.

VL:  (Giggling in that schoolgirl laugh that still makes my teeth tingle after twenty-plus years.) But you don’t have Slurpees!

ME:  Nice! No wonder I love you despite your obvious hatred for me. And your tendency to beat on me with flicks to various body parts, noogies, wedgies, wet willies and other childish physical attacks.

VL:  I don’t hate you, Skippy.

ME:  I always suspected that, despite the obvious evidence to the contrary, of course.

VL:  I just love bugging you. Now get to work and make me some money!

ME:  I am your humble servant… named Skippy.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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15 Responses to It HAS To Be Monday…

  1. Paul says:

    Skiiiiipy!! Ha!

  2. LVital7019 says:

    “Despite the tightrope-walk-over-a-wormhole-containing-a-million-sharknados that is my work life” I could NOT have said it better.

  3. mizqui says:

    Reblogged this on Qui Entertainment Magazine and commented:
    Tip this guy heavily please. Good service gets better at the door…

  4. Reminds me of my VL. Was LOL funny. Liked the idea of never good enough.

  5. Loved this, and as one of the sad housewives who hopes to become Kim Kardashian’s bestie one day so I can borrow her hair extensions, I think the banter between Skippy and his wife was hilarious and made up for the Kardashian put down. 🙂

  6. charflew23 says:

    Well Skippy…too many nicknames to keep track of.
    You’re in it for the long run

  7. The Cutter says:

    I’m confused…why was the shampoo still in the sink?

  8. Well done. Now, how would it go…”You’ve been skipped!” Not quite right.
    I could see you doing some stand-up comedy. I’ve been exploring that option myself. For now, I am taking notes. It may stay that way but you never know. Care to grace the stage, Skippy?

  9. Doug in Oakland says:

    Skippy the Hook has a certain ring to it…

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