VAMPIRELOVER (THE WIFE): (Upon seeing my new hairstyle for the first time.) Nice cut there, Skippy!
ME: I take it you don’t approve?
VL: You look like a soldier, which is hilarious because you wouldn’t last two minutes in the army. Or a shop teacher, which is even funnier considering you fell off a sawhorse while fixing the garage.
The love of my life, ladies and gentleman.
ME: What’s wrong with looking like a shop teacher? I thought they got all the chicks?
VL: Why would shop teachers get all the chicks?
ME: It’s simple really…. they always have wood.
Needless to say, she was stunned. Luckily, twenty years of marriage to me sharpens one’s comedic reflexes.
VL: You’re an idiot.
ME: Guilty as charged. Ask yourself this though: Is it worse to be the idiot… or the person who married the idiot?
Without skipping a beat…
VL: You’re an idiot wrapped in a moron.
ME: And they said it wouldn’t last…
Short and sweet today, kids. See you in the lobby…