So I bit the bullet (much like a T-Rex biting into a hapless lab tech) and decided to see Chris Pratt flex his Star-Lord muscles in Jurassic World last night.
If you haven’t seen the TV commercials or movie trailers, the Dairy Queen tie-in commercials or any of the gazillion other marketing tools being employed to hype this thing, then you’ve obviously been in the womb and you can’t read anyway, so why am I addressing you?
But just in case…
Here’s the premise: Scientists who specialize in genetic engineering – but clearly not history – decide to set up shop on an island filled with dinosaurs left over from three previous movies. They even cross-breed dinos to create a new species intended to be the main attraction in a theme park.
The new dinosaur promptly escapes, thus endangering twenty-thousand guests and giving Chris Pratt an excuse to ride a motorcycle really fast through the jungle while flirting with the hauntingly-beautiful park administrator (who has a dinosaur bone up her gorgeous butt), Bryce Dallas Howard.
Clear as dino droppings, right? Then we’ll continue.
I headed into this movie with no expectations. After putting up a kidney as collateral so I could score a wheelbarrow of popcorn and a bladder-buster keg of Coke, that is. (Don’t worry, it wasn’t my kidney; I’m a bellman, I know a guy.) So now the big (Idominus Rex big) question is… was it worth it?
On Earth-One, I ignored the ridiculousness of the movie logic that guided Bryce Dallas Howard and Co. as they ignored the events of the three previous films and rebuilt a dinosaur-inhabited theme park on Isla Nublar. Right beside the old theme park, rather than over it. I loved all the dino-on-dino action (the battles, perverts), and I even laughed out loud at the fate of a two-dimensional, super-hot British corporate assistant who was bounced from pterosaur to pteosaur like a chew toy, before being gobbled up by the biggest sea-dino in movie land. All in all, Earth-One Me was pleased with the rehash of Jurassic Park (the wonder of the dinosaurs as presented through two teens’ eyes, the inevitable breakdown of park safety protocols and the narrow escapes), and he felt satisfied with the overall package.
And Earth-Prime Me? Well…
I didn’t mind the fact Chris Pratt’s character was just Star-Lord on Earth. I was cool with Bryce Dallas Howard’s lack of character development. The kids were fine and a great throwback to the first film. The dino battles were cool – and ridiculously brutal. And I was overjoyed to see one of my favorite actors of all time, the impossibly-cute/sexy Judy Greer pop up in the bewildered mom role. (Though she was horribly under-utilized.)
Seriously? You’re not using me? The Hook certainly would!
On a personal note: the guy/pig in me couldn’t suppress his joy at seeing two of the hottest females alive, Judy Greer and Bryce Dallas Howard, embracing near the end of the film. Even though their characters were sisters.
Told you I was a pig. I’ve learned to accept my inner horndog. Wish my wife would…
But I wasn’t on the edge of my seat like I was way back when. The franchise may have run its course. Jurassic World has made a ton of scratch, but its no Age of Ultron.
Still, if you love action flicks, Pratt and Howard, and dino battles, you’ll be in Seventh Heaven.
On any planet in the Multiverse.