The Hook’s Mini-Guide To Hotel Sex.

In retrospect, using the words “mini” and “sex” in the same title may have been an error in judgement on my part…

At any rate, now that I’ve covered the general rules of travel, the next logical step is to cover some of the things that happen after you arrive at your destination. Namely, sex.

Call it what you will: intercourse, coitus, Operation: Ring Her Bell, copulation, slap ‘n tickle, pitching woo, fornication, lovemaking, making the Beast With Two Backs, bumping uglies, apologizing (wait, that comes after), intimacy, or a million other monikers. The point is, we spend more time pondering sex, scheming to initiate sex, manipulating events and people to get sex and of course, begging another person to provide us with sex, than any other endeavor.

So it’s a pretty big deal.

Especially when you’re traveling. So here are some rules that, if implemented correctly, should allow you to achieve maximum pleasure. I realize the blood will be rushing away from your brain when you need my guidance the most, but hopefully you’ll be able to retain a nugget or two. Here’s hoping…

10)  Treat your partner/ partners,/love pillows,/blow-up dolls/even yourself, with respect at all times.  Granted, this is applicable in any geographical location, but it bears stating regardless.

And by “respect”, I also mean be considerate of your partner’s preferences. Guys, be prepared to go South if your gal prefers you to. And ladies? If you don’t have diver’s lungs, it’s okay. As long as you’re able to channel your inner porn star, you’re good. Men are pretty easy to please, after all.

9)  It may be old school, but honesty really is the best policy.  Vacation may not be the best place to reveal that “Red Room of Pain” you envision in your mind, the one that you’ve been hiding from your partner. Many individuals use a change of scenery as an excuse to loose their inhibitions, which is great, but you need to be certain you’re not going to creep your lady/guy out beyond recognition.

It’s always best to ease into these things. That way, you can avoid any awkward situations. And chaffing.

8)  Whenever possible, book a corner room.  Building, insuring, maintaining and staffing a hotel requires millions of dollars in capital. And so some hotel room walls can be notoriously thin. If you’re into listening to your neighbors utter cries of passion that include such wonderfully nutty phrases like…

“Take me like a Kardashian!”

“I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Bringer of Sensual Pain!”

“Treat me like a naughty school girl. Put me in the corner!”

… then you’re all set. If you’re not, and if you’re inclined to utter such phrases yourself while in the throes of passion, then you may want to consider an isolated room. Of course, there’s only so much isolation you expect to receive (not everyone can book an entire floor like Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark), and a corner room may not always be available, but it never hurts to try.

7)  Assuming you’re not a Kardashian, there’s no reason to advertise your every move to the world.  Every day I serve guests who refuse to let discretion be their guide. It’s funny most of the time but not always. I’ve lost track of the number of these I’ve had to handle lately…

sportsheets-bondage-bed-sheet-set-king-size

 

Fortunately, they’ve been boxed up and so the chances of cross-contamination have been significantly reduced.

But it’s still creepy.

I’ve accepted that my DNA contains an unknown quality that compels guests to share their innermost secrets with me (not to mention the fact people love to share everything with the world these days), but that doesn’t mean guests should transport their sex toys and apparatus openly. Kids today grow up far too quickly as it is; there’s no need for Little Timmy to put Sportsheets on his Christmas list…

And speaking of apparatus…

6)  Don’t ask Hotel Maintenance to install a sex swing in the room.  Or any type of sexual device, for that matter. The last hotel employee that filled that request is now working the midnight shift at McDonalds…

Exercise your creative muscles – as well as those of the love variety – and make use of your room’s furniture to spice things up a notch or ten. Trust me, we really don’t expect you to use the desk for work or correspondence. Never forget, kids, the mind is the most powerful sexual organ.

5)  Carry several packs of disinfectant wipes.  For all those surfaces you plan on fornicating upon. The Housekeeping department does its best but there’s no point in taking chances – especially when it comes to your naughty bits.

4)  Choose your poison carefully.  Contrary to popular belief, alcohol actually inhibits sexual performance. So go easy on the booze. Beer is great if you and your partner want to indulge your “street side”, but I recommend some local wine to prepare you for the revels to come.

Pun intended.

3)  Keep the PDA classy.  Having been a bellman for seventeen years, it takes A LOT to phase me. But not everyone has seen the things my eyes have beheld. Lust is a wonderful emotion. Love even more-so. In fact, growing up, I was told love is exciting and new. (The Love Boat had no reason to deceive me, right?) But it keep the public displays of affection under control, folks. Here’s a quick guide-within-a-guide to help you keep things straight.

Pun intended, ‘natch.

  • Holding hands is fine, and sweet even.
  • Leaning into one another while walking or while in line to check-in is equally acceptable and moving.
  • Pecks on the cheek, hands, neck and shoulder are perfectly acceptable.
  • Petting, soft and heavy, isn’t too bad – if you keep it controlled.
  • Snogging in the lobby? Again, keep it controlled.
  • Snogging on the lobby furniture isn’t indictable as long as you don’t wind up straddling one another.
  • Dry-humping in dimly-lit corners of the valet deck is titillating to the average guest – who isn’t a jaded soul like yours truly.
  • Dry-humping in the elevator in the middle of the night? You’re good.
  • Dry-humping in the elevator in the middle of the check-out frenzy? On Mother’s Day? You’re so far from good it’s not even funny.
  • Dry-humping at my desk? You’re in a grey area.
  • Dry-humping on my desk? While I’m working? Just leave me a tip, and we’re good.

2)  Be realistic.  It’s all well and good to take cues from porn – as long as you realize porn is porn, not a documentary.  Not everyone is cut out to hump like a machine for hours and spout dirty talk like Jesse Jane. Not to mention how degrading some adult films can be to women. Never take your partner for granted. (They may be the last person you get to see naked – ever.) Don’t try to be a hero; just be you. 

 

jesse_jane01

And finally, after much heavy breathing, work, and even the odd near-premature-ending, we’ve reached the climax of our little odyssey. Here, straight from the vault of my encyclopedic knowledge of the hotel biz, is the most important detail to bear in mind when engaging in hotel sex…

1)  Keep plenty of food and water on hand.  Especially if the plan is to ensconce yourselves in the room for days. Cereal bars, fresh local fruit that you can keep in the fridge, and healthy, energy-providing foods from room service will keep you going.

Above all else, keep reaching for the water, not soda or booze. Dehydration is the enemy, friends.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m spent. I hope it was good for you. See you in the lobby, folks…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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32 Responses to The Hook’s Mini-Guide To Hotel Sex.

  1. TAKE ME LIKE A KARDASHIAN! Best thing I’ve heard in ages. The Bloke wasn’t impressed when I just said it to him though… If I was given £1.00 for every time he rolled his eyes at me I’d be a very rich woman…

  2. Paul says:

    You are definitely right to emphasize dehydration Hook. Imagine travelling all that way, making arrangements for teens so you can be alone paying for the transportation, the room, the meals – the finally getting down to the purpose and finding you are dehydrated and unable to perform. Well done Hook!

  3. I will forever imagine all bellmen with gunslinger’s belts tied to their legs, only instead of a pistol, they will “whip out” a cordless drill, “slam in” the right size drill bit, check for “hard” spots in the ceiling with the “stud finder” they “pull out” of their belt loop, install the right size lag bolts (again from their gunbelt), and proudly say to the guests: “There, that should hold your device!”
    I tried to signify as many “innuendoes” as I could, but I may have missed some. Thanks for the laughs, Hook.

  4. So agree about the water!

  5. Haha this has a special place in my heart. I was a housekeeper a year ago in a tourist town. Hahaha…

  6. markbialczak says:

    People need a manual, and Hook delivers with humor and decorum. As usual, a champ for the chumps. 🙂

  7. Austin says:

    You have have been publish that right on the hotel’s handbook and even put it on the place’s website. 🙂

  8. List of X says:

    And I am assuming that dry humping YOUR DESK is probably out of the question.

  9. LOL I love this – a groovy mix of spice, funniness and insight. “Treat your partner/ partners,/love pillows,/blow-up dolls/even yourself, with respect at all times.” Woot! Cheers for equality and respect! Even blow-up dolls deserve TLC.

  10. (This title/post ought to kick up the stats.)
    Hook’s always real, folks.

  11. FitsofWit says:

    I found your blog today and I’m never letting go.
    I feel like you should teach Sex Ed: Tips and Tricks, to a class of highschoolers.

  12. I truly need to quit spending 3-4 nights/week ALONE in a hotel. Seems like a waste of great space and, er, handcuffs. KIDDING! A lady never tells 🙂

    • The Hook says:

      True.
      But it is a shame you’re alone so much, Michelle. Think off all the blog material you could be creating!
      Wait, that’s an entirely different type of blog…

  13. curvyroads says:

    This post was truly a public service, Robert.

  14. vinnieh says:

    A very informative guide, really eye-opening.

  15. alexraphael says:

    That first line really cracked me up.

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