(It’s not really a title. Just a statement of fact.)
“The Most Anti-Valentine’s Day Post Ever”?
No? Well that’s all I have. Let’s get this sucker started, shall we?
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day…
It’s the same old song and dance for yours truly.
Let’s begin with a memorable Valentine’s Day quote in the form of a piece of advice I felt compelled to bestow upon a young man who was…. well, the quote speaks for itself, but I’ll elaborate in a moment.
“As a man, self-punishment is always going to have its place in your daily regiment… just keep it away from my hallways and you’ll live a happy, long, productive life, son.”
All right, so the obvious question is, “What the hell was that all about, Hook?”
The answer to that query lies, frustratingly enough, in another quote, one uttered between ragged gasps, and at full volume.
“YES… YES…. YES! I’M THE BADDEST… SEXIEST… BITCH OF ALL TIME! YOU’RE…. NEVER…. GOING BACK… TO YOUR… WIFE… AGAIN!”
And now, some context.
I arrived on the twenty-eighth floor this morning at 9 am, fully prepared to retrieve luggage for a stereotypical family, but when I emerged from the service area the aforementioned second quote filled the hallway.
And was repeated several times.
I dropped my head in a mixture of glee and disgust when I first realized just what I was listening to, and so I was still moving when I lifted my head, glanced down the hall and saw him.
He was a mere waif of a lad, attired in rumpled, stained clothes, with greasy hair and giant running shoes that cost more than my entire uniform. Just picture any of the lily-white boys from “Leave It to Beaver” after they’ve been cross-bred with any of the lads from “Malcolm in the Middle” or Oliver Twist.
Now picture any of them engaging in self-pleasure.
(Upon further reflection, don’t do that… you may wind up incarcerated.)
The act in question took place in the middle of the hallway, specifically, outside the room in question.
There was a housekeeper’s cart four rooms down, but otherwise, the hall was vacant save for us two. Fate wouldn’t have had it any other way, right?
Any other bellman would surely have turned tail and ran. Or called security. Or swiped a bottle from room service and drank the memory away. But not me.
Not that I didn’t think about it. But I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t approach the situation with professional courage.
“Hey… uh… sir? Could you not do that here? Please?”
I know, I’m an animal. But the horny beggar carried on… carrying on, despite my bellman bravado.
“Little fella? I really need you to put away your…. ‘little fella’ away and move on. Okay?”
More silence. With the exception of the looped “sexy” declaration and the worst copulating soundtrack ever. Just imagine trying to get down and dirty to this tune…
But back to Dennis the Horny Menace; he was so entranced by the sexy shenanigans unfolding on the other side of the thin press-board door he simply turned away from me without missing a beat. Literally. And so I did the only thing I could.
I went into service area, grabbed a spray bottle of “green mystery cleaning fluid” (the trademark is pending on that, so back off!), and sprayed the sticky little devil down until he snapped out of it. Once he calmed down – and zipped up – I escorted him to the elevator and dispensed my sage wisdom.
He then boarded the elevator and flipped me the bird as the doors closed.
And that was my first call of Valentine’s Day 2015. After that, it was one of those “Yes, that really happened”-type of days.
1) I brought in a couple who are, at this very moment, no doubt defiling a life-size teddy bear. Seriously, the way they were eying that teddy bear would make Charlie Sheen shudder. And Charlie’s done things they outlawed in Tijuana decades ago.
2) An older guest was seeing red for all the wrong reasons as I loaded his bags up. He muttered something about being misdirected while parking but sometimes it’s best to not to indulge a raging guest when you’re not in a position to actually resolve the situation. So I let him vanish into the hotel while I stored his bags and five minutes later, he’s in the lobby ranting and raving to a manager about the poor service he received. (Not from me, fortunately. Though to be honest, I wouldn’t have dropped to my knees in despair if I had been informed that I had failed to meet this schmuck’s expectations.)
3) A gentleman answered the door dressed as Little Bo Peep. He had hired two escorts to be his sheep. (I can only assume his bags were filled with shears and sheep feed.) The worst part? This wasn’t the first time I’ve seen this scenario.
Obviously, I’d be a fool to try to follow that, so I’m going to wrap things up here. I’ve had a strange day; I’ve found myself humbled, and to be honest, enraged by another writer’s success. Don’t get me wrong, this was the first day I became aware of the writer in question, but they seem to be completely deserving of their success.
But I’m tired of failing at everything I set my sights on. I’m tired of sites like the Huffington Post Canada ignoring me; rejection isn’t as bad as being ignored, truthfully. I’m tired of seeing some of the most inane drivel imaginable make it to television while executives and publishers continue to deny my existence.
I’m just tired.
So from now on, I’m going to accept that a large portion of the world thinks I blow harder than a porn star… on any given day, really. I’ll write for myself and the world can suck it.
And in that romantic note, I bid you all farewell.
Bwahaha! I can always count on you for some eye opening shenanigans. Thanks for the laugh.
My pleasure, Kitt!
Truth be told, I’m having a pretty disgusting holiday, so this post has kept me from going over the edge.
I can imagine. I shared it on Facebook. 😉
Well yes, you must write for yourself.
I can’t believe he didn’t put it away; when I’m caught doing that in a hotel hallway, I move to a different floor. Sheesh.
I know, right?
Ha,ha,ha! Best VD story yet! What was the little lady doing while all this was going on?
All your guests’ shenanigans aside, these are your words that stood out to me:
“But I’m tired of failing at everything I set my sights on. I’m tired of sites like the Huffington Post Canada ignoring me; rejection isn’t as bad as being ignored, truthfully. I’m tired of seeing some of the most inane drivel imaginable make it to television while executives and publishers continue to deny my existence.”
At the risk of sounding like a bitter/ignored writer myself, I hear you screamin’ Hook. Though, I hardly think you are failing. At least you have the bravery to put yourself out there and try. All my stuff is sitting on my computer until I get up the nerves to actually send it somewhere.
Keep writing for yourself and I know that some smart publisher will see what I see – talent with a heart and wicked sense of humor. xo
Let’s hope so, Michelle.
By the way, thank you for the friendship and steadfast support.
You’re worth your weight in gold, little lady.
That’s a lot of gold these days 😉
Every time I start to plan a trip and stay at your hotel, something like this happens and I think… “Maybe I should just go tenting.”
That being said, I think there is an underlying message to this experience: Keep writing, even if it seems like it’s for your own self-pleasure. The truth is, with every stroke of the keyboard you are providing much pleasure to others.
Now please go wash your hands…
If you go tenting in Niagara Falls in February, you may end up doing the very things Tijuana banned Charlie Sheen from just to keep warm.
I’ve already scrubbed my hands bare, Ned. I could perform surgery right now…
And X? Thanks for making every comment section a party…
Well, if the Huffington is ignoring you, you have to be doing something right… and I always enjoy your post. Huffington-not so much. I have been there on several occasions and can’t say as I’ve ever read anything I agreed with on a personal, political, or even a comical level. But, to each their own.
Happy V day to you and the V-Ampire Lady..
My thanks, old friend. I really needed this today.
I think you have a really good chance, Hook. If you fictionalize your hotel sex stories to make you a… more active participant in them, you might just top E.L.James’ success.
It also helps if you make the bellman hero a secret billionaire.
As always, you amaze me, X.
I’m actually being 90% serious here (that’s my highest setting). Sex sells, and there’s tons of it in your stories. You just have to find a way to make it into one large story.
What a horrible day for rejection Hook. But you know, they say it’s not Friday the 13th you have to worry about, it’s Saturday the 14th. Doubt that helped though.
Actually.. it does! Thanks!
It’s not you, it’s them, Hook. All of them, the loopy guests and brain-dead editors. But as long as you keep doing your thing, you have us, my friend. Screw them.
Plenty of good advice on this issue. Thanks!
Ow.. Ow.. Ow.. The images, they burn. Does anyone make brain bleach? I feel the need to have a shower, then a delouse. People are freaky, nasty, weird-ass people. 😛
I wouldn’t last a day on your job, Hook. I’d probably end up in a place with padded walls and blunted edges. Stay sane and keep giving the rest of us a window into a realm we really don’t want to get any closer to. 😀
You’d do better than you realize.
I love your writing. Always have, always will. Huff po can go blow themselves.
Fun stories Hook. I does get frustrating sometimes I’m sure – just hang in there and keep plugging away, it’ll come.
Will do. Thanks, Paul.
I would accuse you of making this stuff up, but I worked in a hotel before so I know it’s all, sadly true 🙂 The fun just never ends, eh?
The HuffPo hates me too. It’s an exclusive club.
How could ANYONE hate you, Emily?
I can understand their hatred of me, but you?
Oh, Arianna’s editors are *not* fans.
That was hilarious. I can totally see this day as a movie. Hey. At least you’re getting responses from Huffpost! I don’t know if they’ve even seen mine!
No, that’s the point, Susie… they haven’t responded – at all!
I think they get thousands of them a day… Don’t give up!
No comment from HP? (Obviously, They aren’t as brave, vanguard, and ahead of the curve journalism as they pose….or just passe..HP is next for UK Radio 1 to declare as “over and done”? They recently declared Madonna “too old and irrelevant” for their listeners.)
Hey do you really want them to give you a nod?…(ok money would be nice, but you know their reputation with their bloggers)
Just write, Hook. Write what shows up. No one can do that better!
(Hey are you guys getting all this winter storm there? Stay warm – and keep that pup warm, too!)
We’re doing our best to stay warm.
Chelsea loves being outside; she’d stay out thee until she became a pupsicle!
I’d love to see the falls all icy. Good use for drone cameras….do you have one of those tall flags (like people here put on kids short bikes so you can see them) on Chelsea? Keep and eye on her!
I agree with the sentiments of MamaMickTerry. At least you have the bravery to put yourself out there. And I love this: “I’ll write for myself and the world can suck it”. But, I’m glad that what you write, you post here so that we can all read it. Your writing is WAY too bad ass to go unnoticed for long. Seriously. My husband and I read your Valentines Day post over our “Valentines Day” dinner yesterday, and we could not stop laughing.
My first kind, sorta threesome!
you never cease to make me laugh!! Keep up the writing and the success will come with it 🙂
Robert, you never disappoint! And please, keep writing for yourself (and us!!) and the world can, indeed, suck it! 🙂
Yes, it can!
I hijacked a quote from this post and made something for you. I hope it’s okay! 😉
It is an honor, my friend.
Great stuff 🙂
Yes – you must keep writing. I also agree with X. That just might be the “Ticket” that sets you into the stratosphere … Great stuff as always my friend
Hahaha, I really enjoyed that x