Not Your Average Valentine’s Day Post…

So Valentine’s Day is around the corner and blogging social convention dictates I share my infinite wisdom concerning love and romance (the wife is shuddering right now like a Jedi who feels a disturbance in the Force), but there is a problem with this peer pressure-induced route.

We’ll always love each other, but the wife and I barely have the time for romance these days.

So I guess I better write about my “other life” instead. Namely, how being a bellman of 17 years qualifies me to dispense travel tips for those individuals who find themselves in a hotel on Valentine’s Day.

They say you should let your writing voice flow organically. To that point: As I write this, a young couple is ascending the staircase to the lobby’s second-floor washroom. Their hands are roaming freely as they disappear from view but the smoldering look in their eyes tells the tale.

My instincts tell me they’re headed to the men’s washroom, specifically, the second floor of the men’s washroom (our lobby washrooms appear as though they were designed by Salvador Dali), for a little slap ‘n tickle.

Told you I was out of practice when it came to romance.

On with the show.

RULE #1:  Location is everything; pick your “love nest” carefully.

Some couples travel to escape the everyday tedium of their lives. Some couples travel on Valentine’s Day to escape the tedium of their sex lives. (Personally, I think the word “tedium” should never be in the same sentence as “sex”. Even supposedly-bad sex is still sex.)

But most couples don’t share my optimism and as a result, they attempt to spice things up by coupling in new and exciting places, such as…

  • Alcoves.
  • Restrooms.
  • The folding table of the Laundry Room.
  • On top of one of the industrial dryers in the Laundry Room.
  • Inside one of the industrial dryers in the Laundry Room.

And yes, the last two incidents required medical attention, hopefully after completion of the act. Let’s continue, shall we?

  • Guest elevators.
  • Service elevators.
  • On benches in the lobby late at night.
  • On benches in the lobby in the middle of the day.
  • Housekeepers’ closets.
  • In front of my desk.
  • On my desk.
  • On dirty staircases leading to service areas in the basement.
  • In-between giant industrial fans on the roof.

I don’t recommend ascending to a hotel’s roof to form the Beast With Two Backs. It’s dirty, gravelly, and the noise from industrial fans will drown out your partner’s amorous declarations, such as: 

“Before we go too far, I think I should mention we’re actually first cousins.”

“These stones are digging into my butt and shoulders.”

“I think we’re going to suffer permanent hearing loss, but I LOVE YOU!”

“On second thought, the bed in the room looked quite comfortable.”

  • Between cars in the parking garage.
  • On rows of banquet chairs in storage rooms.
  • In the walk-in cooler in the kitchen. (Seriously. “I thought it would make my nipples look much bigger.”, was the young lady’s explanation.)

Incidentally, if you’ve never suffered cooler-induced frostbite on or in your nether regions, I don’t suggest you rush out to experience it firsthand.

If you’re under the assumption I’m passing judgement on the frisky folks in question, nothing could be further from the truth. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m no prude; decorum – and a wife with an extensive collection of frying pans – prevent me from sharing the details of my own amorous past, but suffice to say, I’ve done things.

Though, truth be told, I’ve seen way more than I’ve done.

But getting back to the sexual matter at hand, there’s no reason you can’t indulge your frisky side in a supposedly-plain-Jane hotel room. Let’s examine the Pros and Cons of a few scenarios, shall we?

1)  THE BED:

PRO:  The beds in my hotel are unbelievably comfortable (you’ll want your form to be properly cushioned at this moment, right?) and spacious.

CON:  The headboard is attached to the wall, thus preventing you from lashing your partner’s arms above their head. But many guests are clever enough to use the legs to secure their lovers whilst they perform a series of erotic acts upon them, each one more taboo-shattering than the last, until, finally, their partner erupts with indescribable orgasmic pleasure….

Drat, I fogged my glasses up again. But you get the point, right?

2)  THE SHOWER.

PRO:  This is the ideal location in which to feel simultaneously clean and dirty, but as you are doubt aware, many a lover has literally fallen victim to the dangers of upright aquatic coitus.

CON:  Call down to the Housekeeping department and request a shower chair. That should even the odds.

3)  IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW.

PRO:  Passersby and guests in nearby buildings may be able to see you, thus heightening the thrill factor while still providing some anonymity.

CON:  People will be able to see you. (Which is more of a Con for them than you, I suppose.) Additionally, you may wear out faster. Employ a chair and slippers to keep you in the game longer.

4)  THE DESK: 

PRO:  It will allow you to play out various fantasy scenarios, such as…

  • Boss and secretary on a late night mission to “crunch”… numbers.
  • Naughty librarian finally tracks down overdue book scofflaw. 
  • Teacher and student. (A creepy classic.)

CON:  You have to be sure you’ve moved the phone a safe distance away. I’ve seen many an embarrassed  guest answer the door after Security receives a frantic phone call from a switchboard operator who has misinterpreted a series of moans and gasps from the room phone after the receiver has fallen off the hook. Boy, was that pastor’s face red….

To be honest, we’ve barely scratched the surface of the naughty possibilities one can explore while safely ensconced  in a hotel room, but my lenses keep fogging up and so I’m going to leave you with four options.

You’re welcome.

In closing, in love, one must always be open to new experiences. Just bear in mind that these new experiences must be equal parts danger and sexy. Not everyone is cut out to play Anastasia Steele and her ridiculously kinky billionaire paramour. Though that hasn’t stopped many of you from trying.

But that’s for another post, kids.

See you in the lobby… you horny devils.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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21 Responses to Not Your Average Valentine’s Day Post…

  1. List of X says:

    If your glasses keep fogging up while you’re writing these stories… have you considered contact lenses? Or are your glasses provide a certain defense mechanism should one of your wisecracks to a guest go terribly wrong?

  2. Good one hook. I’m doing a ten things not to do on valentines day and one has to be weird places to make love.

  3. Austin says:

    It’s time for that damn holiday again? UGH!

  4. desleyjane says:

    Ah but what if you’re a single business traveller, stuck in a hotel in Valentine’s Day? Then what?!?! 😄

  5. You have given me some great ideas 🙂

  6. Paul says:

    I’m at a loss for words – and you know how rare that is.

    Really funny post Hook. Thank You.

  7. Your knowledge is endless. With all the hype about the 50 Shades movie coming out on Valentine’s Day this will come in very handy. Something tells me you are about to see or hear more that you want with this movie debut!

  8. Bob Lee says:

    🙂 Fogged up my glasses, put a smile on my face and – well … leave the rest to your dirty imaginations. Ohh Hook – you never cease to amaze

  9. curvyroads says:

    Heh heh, Robert, loved your take on this topic! And I can’t believe what imaginative (and exhibitionist) guests you have! 🙂

  10. pmahaney says:

    Oh my mind is agog with possibilities. Looking for a bar of soap to clean it out with.

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