18 Things You Never Knew About Niagara Falls, Jimmy Fallon.

I know you’re busy unveiling covers for magazines men love to “read’ with one hand, Jimmy, so I’ll cut right to the chase.

The people of Niagara Falls want you here, whether it be for one show, a week, or a lifetime. The choice is yours. Now, this would be a major undertaking so I understand if you’re on the fence. To help sway you, here are a few little nuggets of info about my hometown you may not have been aware of. Enjoy.

1)  In addition to translating to “Land of Fallon” in several ancient tongues, Niagara Falls also means “Land of Perpetual Tonight (Show)”, “Land of Late-Night Talk”, and Land of Tax Incentives”. (Granted that last one will appeal only to NBC’s number-crunching monkeys, but it’s still worth mentioning.)

2)  Niagara Falls has plenty of water. You know, for pouring on guests? Just sayin’…

3)  We’re not above going viral for you, Jimmy. Literally, if necessary. But before it comes to that…

 4)  The water in Niagara Falls is said to have remarkable healing properties. Why else would thousands of American college students visit here every weekend, consume copious amounts of Canadian beer and then down bottles of Canadian water as quickly as possible on Sunday morning? It’s not in a desperate attempt to regain their sobriety, I can tell you that much.

5)  Niagara Falls has the largest vampire population in North America. People always assume New Jersey would hold that record, but no, it’s Niagara. 

6)  Our mayor, Jim Diodati, was the original principal on “Saved By The Bell” but the other cast members rallied together and had him ousted. Mark-Paul Gosselaar was afraid of being upstaged. Hollywood’s so political…

7)  Niagara Falls is in Canada. William Shatner is Canadian. Need I say more?

8)  Niagara Falls is a city of underdogs. Its true. Niagara has been taking a beating in the media lately. I mean, the media knocks us around more than Bruce Jenner these days. And since everyone loves the underdog…

9)  Niagara Falls was the birthplace of your best pal, Drew Barrymore. Technically, her actual body was delivered in Culver City, California, but spiritually, she was born in Niagara Falls. (To all of you Poindexters out there; you won’t find these facts in any so-called “books” or the interweb, but that doesn’t make them any less possible.)

10)  Lorne Michaels, is Canadian. You owe him. Do I really need to keep spelling it out for you, Jimmy?

11)  Barry Gibb once declared his deep affection for Niagara Falls in a little tune called “How Deep Is Your Love For Niagara Falls”. Record company weasels felt the title was a little long so it was shortened. You won’t find that fact in a Bee Gees bio, Jimmy.

12)  History tells us Troll dolls were originally created in 1959 by Danish fisherman and woodcutter Thomas Dam, but what historians fail to mention is that Dam visited Niagara Falls right before carving the first doll for his daughter. Coincidence? I think not.

13)  The citizens of Niagara Falls often gather in dimly-lit factories after hours to discuss modern films. These groups have all reached a consensus: the decision to cut a young actor named Jimmy Fallon’s single line in the film Father’s Day was the single greatest blunder in cinematic history.

14)  More children were conceived in Niagara Falls after 11:30 pm on Saturday nights between the years 1998 to 2004 than any other period. (Condom sales took a beating.) Coincidence? Yeah, right. Still not convinced, Jimmy? Consider this next fact…

15)  Female citizens of Niagara Falls will immediately ovulate when they hear the name “Jimmy Fallon”, regardless of where they are in their menstrual cycle.

16)  Canadian beer has mystical properties. Even Carson Daly is less of a tool when he drinks Canadian alcohol.

17)  “Late Night Snack” ice cream is the preferred dessert of Niagara Falls citizens, who are fed the tasty treat (which doesn’t taste like fecal matter at all), in the womb. Or so I’ve heard. I think.

18)  Niagara Falls audiences truly are the greatest on the planet and the raw power generated by their raucous laughter can be harnessed and used to replace all conventional forms of energy. Unfortunately, hydro companies have buried this truth for decades. Just imagine what an industrious late-night talk-show host/comic could do with such power, Jimmy. Colbert would be quaking in his hipster loafers…

That’s all I have for you today, Jimmy. My wife always tells me not to overstay my welcome (of course, we’re in the bedroom at the time, but this wosdom applies to many situations), and so I bid you good day for now.