Jimmy Fallon In Niagara Falls: Pros and Cons.

My one-bellman campaign to draw Jimmy Fallon and The Tonight Show to Niagara Falls continues…

Dear Jimmy,

I know you’re a fan of the Pros and Cons form of listing, so without further adieu, let’s examine the Pros and Cons of bringing your show to my hometown of Niagara Falls.

PRO:  You’d be in Canada.

CON:  You’d be in Canada.

(My fellow Canadians may be cursing me right now, but I know how some Americans feel about the Great White North. It’s okay, though, we made our peace with our image years ago, right, folks? Besides, we’re to busy drinking beer and watching hockey while consuming copious amounts of back bacon to care.)

PRO:  The American dollar is gaining strength globally once again, so the whole deal would only cost NBC execs less than it takes to gas up their limos. They could score ten acres of prime Niagara Falls real estate, eight pounds of Canadian bacon and one hundred cases of lager for less than a single visit to Chevron.

CON:  NBC would only get Canadian dollars back for all their purchases.

PRO:  Canadian laws are so lax you wouldn’t have to worry about major repercussions if any crew members get out of hand. They could do pretty much anything and all they’d get is a slap on the wrist.

CON:  That slap on the wrist is done with a beaver tail, which leaves a nasty welt.

PRO:  Niagara Falls doesn’t have the same quality of local color one would find in a bustling metropolis like New York, but our hookers provide patrons with one liter of maple syrup and a beaver tail with every purchase.

CON:  Canadian hookers are so nice, their naughty talk leaves something to be desired. For example: “Oh baby, your hockey stick is the smoothest and most well-crafted piece of fiberglass I’ve ever seen!” But they mean well, God bless their disease-riddled hearts.

PRO:  The waters of the mighty Falls are so rich in nutrients, proteins and unidentifiable elements that a man can live off them for a month without requiring a bite of food. Don’t laugh, they’ve conducted clinical trials. The participants would tell you themselves, had any of them lived.

CON:  There are so many fine dining establishments in Niagara, all of them staffed by large-chested, nubile women who believe in an enlightened form of morality, you won’t be able to resist the desire to eat. But the mystical waters of Niagara will be in your system for years to come, nonetheless.

PRO:  Canadians are so filled with joy brought on by powerful magnetic fields that we’ll laugh at anything, making Niagara Falls the ideal destination for a talk-show host to ply his trade.

CON:  A comic can never be certain if his material is genuinely amusing or if the audience is slowly degrading into madness brought on by powerful magnetic fields, but either way, Canadian audiences rule.

PRO:  Visit Niagara Falls, Jimmy, and you’ll see this face in person.

IMG_0521

CON:  I cannot guarantee you won’t see this face in person…

You never know where that guy’s going to show up…

 PRO:  Marilyn Monroe once filmed a movie in Niagara Falls.

CON:  She’s dead.

PRO:  Justin Bieber once visited Niagara Falls.

CON:  Justin Bieber once visited Niagara Falls.

PRO:  Some of mankind’s most significant achievements and moments took place in Niagara Falls. Among them:

  • The invention of the flying car, powered totally by beaver sweat.
  • A coupling between the love-crossed duo of Burt Reynolds and Martha Stewart, which resulted in the birth of America’s sweetheart, Gwyneth Paltrow.
  • The creation of the ultimate aphrodisiac, the Hot Pocket.
  • Sir Richard the Lion Heart’s pitched battle with the hydra.
  • The perfection of a food Canadians begin consuming from the moment they leap out of the womb, macaroni and cheese, eh?
  • A gene-splicing trial that unleashed the Kardashians on an unsuspecting world.
  • The discovery of radium.

CON:  As is often the case, history has recorded these events incorrectly. And of course, the flying car was confiscated and eradicated from history by jealous North American automakers, oil conglomerates and beaver haters. Canadians, being Canadians, were too nice to correct historians.

PRO:  After a few days here, Jimmy, you’ll taste like Canada.

CON:  Canada tastes like America, but not as powerful.

PRO:  Niagara Falls is home to some of the most decent, positive, hilarious, enlightening and just plain wonderful souls on Earth.

CON:  These folks are boring. Fortunately, we’re visited by millions of travelers, many of whom are looking at crazy in the rear-view mirror. In fact, I’m just going to say it, some of these folks make rock stars look like Mormons. (Visit my hometown, Jimmy, and I’ll let you job-shadow me for a day. You’ll have enough material to write a year’s worth of monologues.)

We’re also home to individuals like Mayor Jim Diodati, a man who would give a kidney to one of his constituents if they signed a contract guaranteeing their vote in the next election. Wouldn’t be his kidney, but still…

And on that enlightening note, Jimmy, I shall leave you once again. Feel free to return to your life as America’s favorite talk show host that isn’t Stephen Colbert.

Good day, sir.

MY LOYAL AND KICK-ASS FOLLOWERS:

You know the drill by now; I pledge my loyalty, friendship and whatever organs I can spare if you need them. In return, I ask that you share this piece of blogging “brilliance” with the world via Twitter, the Facebook, carrier pigeon, smoke signals or telepathy, you choose the method. I love you all as much as I am legally allowed to.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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42 Responses to Jimmy Fallon In Niagara Falls: Pros and Cons.

  1. I love Niagara Falls. I can’t imagine why jimmy hasn’t gone. 🙂

  2. Pro: Loonies and toonies!

    Con: No threenies.

  3. sonsothunder says:

    I wonder if you could get Rob Ford to try the great Niagara Barrel Race?

  4. List of X says:

    I think that Sir Richard the Lion Heart’s battle against hydra was also incorrectly recorded as a battle against a hydroelectric generator.

  5. Paul says:

    Hmmm, I was just putting together a time capsule to open in 50 years – I don’t suppose sharing your quest with the folks 50 years in the future would be of much help, would it?

  6. Austin says:

    I added the #NiagaraFallon to my RT. Maybe that’s a hashtag you need to get out there. 🙂

  7. shimoniac says:

    You’ve got an interesting touch, Hook. You’ve crossed the line into creepy without leaving funny.

  8. Once again, hilarious. (Can you use this stuff and tweet on reason a day to his twitter account?)
    Really, He has too travel there – simple too many opportunities for laughs.

    • The Hook says:

      I know, right?
      But reaching him has proven difficult, to say the least! But I’m not done yet.
      The fight continues…

      • No support from local tourist board? Hotel not seeing potential if they support the effort.
        I keep seeing a YouTube video of singing/rapping bellmen opening doors, rolling on the car/ in the elevator ( don’t shut the doors on this, Jimmy!)
        Hmmm, taping up copies of post(s) with pix in coffee shops…telephone poles…sent to radio/tv stations
        Yes Jimmy is elusive, but if enough voices….to be continued…

  9. My kids are visiting Niagara Falls as I read this. They’d over Jimmy’s autograph if he’d schedule some time there. 😀 😀 😀

  10. Canada WISHES it invented hot pockets. An American contrivance if ever there was one.

    Are you trying to get The Tonight Show there for a visit or for permanent?

    • The Hook says:

      Just a visit – though a permanent relocation would certainly be wonderful, wouldn’t it?

      • Well, I don’t see a visit as being completely out of the question. They put Fallon’s name above the Rockafeller Ctr entrance to the show. They made a big deal out of it. You can’t change the facade willy-nilly. It’s a protected landmark. So a permanent move might be tough. But a visit could be doable.

  11. What exactly is the pup having for lunch?

  12. Very inventive… Maybe he will listen to you! I love Jimmy! But he is on past my bedtime. I’m usually a pumpkin by then! LOL! 🙂

    • The Hook says:

      So I’m supposed to believe you’re an old broad, Courtney?
      Yeah, right.

      • Seriously!! I AM old (sometimes) older than you.. sugar! 😉
        I get up early so I can’t stay up late, my body will not let me! If I’m up past 10, I will go to sleep where I sit unless I am out having a good time with friends or something. Then I MIGHT make it to midnight… LOL!

      • The Hook says:

        I’m 44 – until next month- you don’t look a day over 20, missy1

      • Thank you so very much Robert! What a sweet thing to say…. however, Try 51 sweet cheeks and I will be 52 this year. SO… according to my calculator (because I can’t do math in my head without getting into trouble…lol) that makes me just shy of EIGHT years OLDER than you! 😉

      • The Hook says:

        Older, schmolder!
        You’re as young as you feel, babe! (I’ve never felt you, but you barely seem a day over eighteen to me.)

      • Uhm… I … uhm… well, thank you? *blushes* (which is damn hard to do btw) make me blush I mean!! LMAO! I don’t “feel” my age most days but my body would disagree with me *sigh* I still love to rock and roll…literally! But I like my quiet time too! 😉

      • The Hook says:

        Glad my “humor” was a hit. I was walking a thin line there, but it paid off (until the wife reads this!).

  13. curvyroads says:

    Hilarious, as always, Hook! I have RT to the man himself (again).

    “You’ve crossed the line into creepy without leaving funny.” Also best comment ever.

  14. julie says:

    You could write for him you know. I’ll tell him when I never see him in person that he should go to Niagara Falls. Maybe when the weather gets warmer 🙂

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