My one-bellman campaign to draw Jimmy Fallon and The Tonight Show to Niagara Falls continues…
I know you’re a fan of the Pros and Cons form of listing, so without further adieu, let’s examine the Pros and Cons of bringing your show to my hometown of Niagara Falls.
PRO: You’d be in Canada.
CON: You’d be in Canada.
(My fellow Canadians may be cursing me right now, but I know how some Americans feel about the Great White North. It’s okay, though, we made our peace with our image years ago, right, folks? Besides, we’re to busy drinking beer and watching hockey while consuming copious amounts of back bacon to care.)
PRO: The American dollar is gaining strength globally once again, so the whole deal would only cost NBC execs less than it takes to gas up their limos. They could score ten acres of prime Niagara Falls real estate, eight pounds of Canadian bacon and one hundred cases of lager for less than a single visit to Chevron.
CON: NBC would only get Canadian dollars back for all their purchases.
PRO: Canadian laws are so lax you wouldn’t have to worry about major repercussions if any crew members get out of hand. They could do pretty much anything and all they’d get is a slap on the wrist.
CON: That slap on the wrist is done with a beaver tail, which leaves a nasty welt.
PRO: Niagara Falls doesn’t have the same quality of local color one would find in a bustling metropolis like New York, but our hookers provide patrons with one liter of maple syrup and a beaver tail with every purchase.
CON: Canadian hookers are so nice, their naughty talk leaves something to be desired. For example: “Oh baby, your hockey stick is the smoothest and most well-crafted piece of fiberglass I’ve ever seen!” But they mean well, God bless their disease-riddled hearts.
PRO: The waters of the mighty Falls are so rich in nutrients, proteins and unidentifiable elements that a man can live off them for a month without requiring a bite of food. Don’t laugh, they’ve conducted clinical trials. The participants would tell you themselves, had any of them lived.
CON: There are so many fine dining establishments in Niagara, all of them staffed by large-chested, nubile women who believe in an enlightened form of morality, you won’t be able to resist the desire to eat. But the mystical waters of Niagara will be in your system for years to come, nonetheless.
PRO: Canadians are so filled with joy brought on by powerful magnetic fields that we’ll laugh at anything, making Niagara Falls the ideal destination for a talk-show host to ply his trade.
CON: A comic can never be certain if his material is genuinely amusing or if the audience is slowly degrading into madness brought on by powerful magnetic fields, but either way, Canadian audiences rule.
PRO: Visit Niagara Falls, Jimmy, and you’ll see this face in person.
CON: I cannot guarantee you won’t see this face in person…
You never know where that guy’s going to show up…
PRO: Marilyn Monroe once filmed a movie in Niagara Falls.
CON: She’s dead.
PRO: Justin Bieber once visited Niagara Falls.
CON: Justin Bieber once visited Niagara Falls.
PRO: Some of mankind’s most significant achievements and moments took place in Niagara Falls. Among them:
- The invention of the flying car, powered totally by beaver sweat.
- A coupling between the love-crossed duo of Burt Reynolds and Martha Stewart, which resulted in the birth of America’s sweetheart, Gwyneth Paltrow.
- The creation of the ultimate aphrodisiac, the Hot Pocket.
- Sir Richard the Lion Heart’s pitched battle with the hydra.
- The perfection of a food Canadians begin consuming from the moment they leap out of the womb, macaroni and cheese, eh?
- A gene-splicing trial that unleashed the Kardashians on an unsuspecting world.
- The discovery of radium.
CON: As is often the case, history has recorded these events incorrectly. And of course, the flying car was confiscated and eradicated from history by jealous North American automakers, oil conglomerates and beaver haters. Canadians, being Canadians, were too nice to correct historians.
PRO: After a few days here, Jimmy, you’ll taste like Canada.
CON: Canada tastes like America, but not as powerful.
PRO: Niagara Falls is home to some of the most decent, positive, hilarious, enlightening and just plain wonderful souls on Earth.
CON: These folks are boring. Fortunately, we’re visited by millions of travelers, many of whom are looking at crazy in the rear-view mirror. In fact, I’m just going to say it, some of these folks make rock stars look like Mormons. (Visit my hometown, Jimmy, and I’ll let you job-shadow me for a day. You’ll have enough material to write a year’s worth of monologues.)
We’re also home to individuals like Mayor Jim Diodati, a man who would give a kidney to one of his constituents if they signed a contract guaranteeing their vote in the next election. Wouldn’t be his kidney, but still…
And on that enlightening note, Jimmy, I shall leave you once again. Feel free to return to your life as America’s favorite talk show host that isn’t Stephen Colbert.
Good day, sir.
MY LOYAL AND KICK-ASS FOLLOWERS:
You know the drill by now; I pledge my loyalty, friendship and whatever organs I can spare if you need them. In return, I ask that you share this piece of blogging “brilliance” with the world via Twitter, the Facebook, carrier pigeon, smoke signals or telepathy, you choose the method. I love you all as much as I am legally allowed to.
See you in the lobby, kids…