My name is Robert Hookey. (You can call me The Hook, everyone else does. Sadly, I am not a pirate; I’m a Niagara Falls bellman with both hands.) I know you’re busy hosting the best damn talk show in boob tube history, not to mention pondering life’s really big questions, like, “What did the world ever do to deserve the plague known as the Kardashians?”, so I’ll get right to the point.
I’m a nobody. I have a nobody job (bellmen are practically invisible to most guests). I make nobody money (when my daughter was eight she wanted a pony for her birthday; I couldn’t even afford to give her a ponytail). But now I have an opportunity to be a part of something bigger than myself. And there’s nothing bigger than Niagara Falls. The citizenry of my fair city want to invite you to bring The Tonight Show here, Jimmy, and I’m willing to humiliate myself in any manner you deem fit in order to make that happen. It’s that simple: Issue me a challenge and I’ll answer it.
In the meantime, here are eleven reasons you should visit our little portion of Canadian Heaven on Earth, Jimmy. (You get eleven reasons so Dave Letterman and CBS don’t unleash their army of bloodsucking legal vampires on me.)
11) Who wouldn’t want to visit a place where a man can use the word “beaver” without being slapped?
10) Your viewers will love to see both sides of Niagara Falls. American comics can say anything to Canadians and we never get upset. We’re the little cousins you put in a headlock and humiliate every year at a family reunion.
9) Canada is working hard to shake our image as a scandal-less country of goody-goods. We have that monkey-abandoning, egg-chucking, Selena Gomez-dumping twerp Justin Bieber, former Toronto mayor and one-man-train-wreck Rob Ford, and that ex-radio host (the one who pissed off the guy from Sling Blade), who is now making Bill Cosby look good, to thank for that.
Today’s Canada is a gift to talk-show hosts, Jimmy. You’re welcome.
8) I can promise you sex. Not with me, of course. No offense intended; you’re a handsome man, but you’re no Barry Gibb. No, what is I mean is, the waters of Niagara Falls can make a man more virile and potent than Ross Perot. No lie. They’ve done studies. One night here, Jimmy, and Mrs. Tonight Show will be glued to your belt like a piece of meat on Lady Gaga.
7) Translated, Niagara Falls means “Land of Fallon”. Granted, its a loose French-Canadian translation. Okay, I made that up, but if you bring your show here, Jimmy, we’ll make it happen. Just don’t quote me on that.
6) Our mayor, the Honorable Jim Diodati, is more fun to hang out with than any politician you’ll ever encounter. Imagine if Wayne Brady, Rick James and Martha Stewart somehow conceived a child together. That child would be a grade A downer compared to Jim Diodati, a man who spends his nights taking on drunken howler monkeys in illegal fight clubs in dimly-lit bars throughout the city.
(Incidentally, you’ve heard the term “creative license”, right? Because I haven’t and I was hoping you could explain it to me.)
5) Come to Niagara Falls and my wife will serve you dinner. The wife dials a mean phone for take-out…
4) I’m a married, towering, balding, mostly lanky, white, Canadian male in his forties who bruises easily, Jimmy. Viewers will love to see me humiliated.
3) You’d be following in the steps of Regis Philbin, Jimmy. Of course, Regis is a tough act to follow; his sheer animal magnetism actually turned back the thundering waters of the Falls for one brief moment in time. But I’m sure you’d do a bang-up job, too.
2) No one appears interested in helping me reach you via social media. That makes me a rebel. Like Kevin Bacon in Footloose. And I know how you feel about Bacon, Jimmy…
And finally, Mr Fallon, the number one reason you should visit my hometown?
1) Who could resist this face?
Chelsea and I will see you soon, Jimmy.
My Friends and Readers:
I know you all have busy, frantic lives filled with work, interpersonal relationships, illegal cock fights, plans to conquer the world and a myriad of pressures and adventures, but I could use your help. Again. On the upside, I’m not asking for bail money. Again.
If you could post this piece of literary gold on Facebook, retweet it, or send it directly to The Tonight Show via electronic message, skywriting or candy-gram, I’d be forever grateful. That’s a $25 dollar value, bitches.
See you in the lobby, kids…