Top Eleven Reasons Why Jimmy Fallon Should Visit Niagara Falls.

Dear, Jimmy,

My name is Robert Hookey. (You can call me The Hook, everyone else does. Sadly, I am not a pirate; I’m a Niagara Falls bellman with both hands.) I know you’re busy hosting the best damn talk show in boob tube history, not to mention pondering life’s really big questions, like, “What did the world ever do to deserve the plague known as the Kardashians?”, so I’ll get right to the point.

I’m a nobody. I have a nobody job (bellmen are practically invisible to most guests). I make nobody money (when my daughter was eight she wanted a pony for her birthday; I couldn’t even afford to give her a ponytail). But now I have an opportunity to be a part of something bigger than myself. And there’s nothing bigger than Niagara Falls. The citizenry of my fair city want to invite you to bring The Tonight Show here, Jimmy, and I’m willing to humiliate myself in any manner you deem fit in order to make that happen. It’s that simple: Issue me a challenge and I’ll answer it.

In the meantime, here are eleven reasons you should visit our little portion of Canadian Heaven on Earth, Jimmy. (You get eleven reasons so Dave Letterman and CBS don’t unleash their army of bloodsucking legal vampires on me.)

11)  Who wouldn’t want to visit a place where a man can use the word “beaver” without being slapped?

10)  Your viewers will love to see both sides of Niagara Falls. American comics can say anything to Canadians and we never get upset. We’re the little cousins you put in a headlock and humiliate every year at a family reunion.

9)  Canada is working hard to shake our image as a scandal-less country of goody-goods. We have that monkey-abandoning, egg-chucking, Selena Gomez-dumping twerp Justin Bieber, former Toronto mayor and one-man-train-wreck Rob Ford, and that ex-radio host (the one who pissed off the guy from Sling Blade), who is now making Bill Cosby look good, to thank for that.

Today’s Canada is a gift to talk-show hosts, Jimmy. You’re welcome.

8)  I can promise you sex. Not with me, of course. No offense intended; you’re a handsome man, but you’re no Barry Gibb. No, what is I mean is, the waters of Niagara Falls can make a man more virile and potent than Ross Perot. No lie. They’ve done studies. One night here, Jimmy, and Mrs. Tonight Show will be glued to your belt like a piece of meat on Lady Gaga.

7)  Translated, Niagara Falls means “Land of Fallon”. Granted, its a loose French-Canadian translation. Okay, I made that up, but if you bring your show here, Jimmy, we’ll make it happen. Just don’t quote me on that.

6)  Our mayor, the Honorable Jim Diodati, is more fun to hang out with than any politician you’ll ever encounter. Imagine if Wayne Brady, Rick James and Martha Stewart somehow conceived a child together. That child would be a grade A downer compared to Jim Diodati, a man who spends his nights taking on drunken howler monkeys in illegal fight clubs in dimly-lit bars throughout the city. 19bb0-niagara_falls_mayor_jim_diodati

(Incidentally, you’ve heard the term “creative license”, right? Because I haven’t and I was hoping you could explain it to me.)

5)  Come to Niagara Falls and my wife will serve you dinner. The wife dials a mean phone for take-out…

4)  I’m a married, towering, balding, mostly lanky, white, Canadian male in his forties who bruises easily, Jimmy. Viewers will love to see me humiliated.

3)  You’d be following in the steps of Regis Philbin, Jimmy. Of course, Regis is a tough act to follow; his sheer animal magnetism actually turned back the thundering waters of the Falls for one brief moment in time. But I’m sure you’d do a bang-up job, too.

2)  No one appears interested in helping me reach you via social media. That makes me a rebel. Like Kevin Bacon in Footloose. And I know how you feel about Bacon, Jimmy…

And finally, Mr Fallon, the number one reason you should visit my hometown?

1)  Who could resist this face?

992881_10201365023748671_776234021_n

Chelsea and I will see you soon, Jimmy.

My Friends and Readers:

I know you all have busy, frantic lives filled with work, interpersonal relationships, illegal cock fights, plans to conquer the world and a myriad of pressures and adventures, but I could use your help. Again. On the upside, I’m not asking for bail money. Again.

If you could post this piece of literary gold on Facebook, retweet it, or send it directly to The Tonight Show via electronic message, skywriting or candy-gram, I’d be forever grateful. That’s a $25 dollar value, bitches.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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48 Responses to Top Eleven Reasons Why Jimmy Fallon Should Visit Niagara Falls.

  1. Ned's Blog says:

    If he doesn’t come after a pitch like that, I’ll be shocked. Preferably with a collar and some baby oil.

  2. markbialczak says:

    Tweeted you Hook, because this would be world-class TV. How could Jimmy resist your way with words and a meal dialed in by Mrs. Hook?

  3. Sonso says:

    uMMM— Reckon I’ll have me some of dem French Fried Taters… Ummm

    He can do—it!

  4. Re-tweeted directly to Jimmy. 🙂

  5. Paul says:

    Man, the feds should be sending you on trade missions overseas – you’re a heck of a salesman when it comes to Canada. Well done Hook, if he was ever going to come, he’ll come now.

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    Hi, I don’t have Twitter, but will do my best to make contact. If it happens, I will need to buy or rent a tv. How could he not want to visit you after this?…and eat dinner with you…and how on earth could he resist Chelsea?

  7. Gigimac7 says:

    Excellent plug for our fine City!! I hope Jim recognizes you at Council (they have some really beautiful prints)!!!

  8. Nobody can resist this amazing letter. Just watch and see. He’ll come just for the free dinner and, of course, cause you said pretty please, and well, for the money. 😛 😛

  9. Never heard of him but happy to help!

  10. Tara says:

    Well said. But that TIE? Good Lord. Who picks the mayor’s clothes?

  11. This should sell him, for sure!! Will retweet this afternoon. Good luck!!

  12. curvyroads says:

    Tweeted to all my (5?) followers, and directly to Jimmy. 😀 I know it’s gonna happen!

  13. Robert, pretty awesome write-up and pretty awesome Chelsea! Is she a Shih Tzu? I have two! I love your writing and have nominated you for the Premio Dardos Award. It recognized values in writing! It’s easy to accept with minimal work, just pass it on to fellow bloggers. And it has a cool logo to show on your site! Hope you will accept it! You can find out more about the award here:
    http://cerobinsonauthor.com/2015/01/14/premio-dardos-award-for-before-sundown
    Best Wishes, Christine

  14. PinkNoam says:

    That’s a brilliant pitch. If I were Jimmy Fallon, I’d be straight round to Niagara Falls before you could say ‘ay.

    I’ll retweet this to Jimmy’s twitter in an effort to help.

  15. The Guat says:

    Think that would be a great idea … The Hook and Fallon meet would be an awesome post sending it out on Twitter.

  16. Greg Jonovich says:

    Mr Hookey. Well written and all valid points for consideration especially your dinner invite. Lol.
    You didn’t say anything about free fudge!!!!

    • The Hook says:

      Here’s a blast from the past!
      Nice to hear from you, Mr. Jonovich.
      And you’re right, I forgot free fudge; I’ll have to correct that!

  17. Excellent! Although you are far from being a no body. They’d never hire you at the hotel if you couldn’t carry the bags, the carts, or provide an ear for the “oh, we’re only here for a little bit and no one we know will see us” visitors.
    Time to put it in gear and get this into somebody’s hands/ frontal lobe. Great idea!

  18. Frank Thomas Croisdale says:

    Sent it along, my brother from a Canadian mother. Great stuff, as usual. You’re one funny man and one great friend.

    • The Hook says:

      I try, brother.
      I’ve stumbled along the path, but with allies like you by my side, how can I fail?
      See you in the lobby – literally.

  19. sonsothunder says:

    Do you have to pinch the pup in the sweet spot every time to get her to stick her tongue out like that, Hook?

  20. Are you getting anywhere with this campaign? If so, I’m going to reblog this and change every instance of Niagara Falls to Austin.

    • The Hook says:

      You’re hilarious, Jann!
      To answer your query, no , I haven’t heard anything yet, but Niagara Falls Mayor Jim Diodati will be releasing a video invite to Jimmy soon and there’s a Facebook page active so hopefully we’ll hear something soon.

  21. Bob Lee says:

    I agree w/the pink Noam!!! I also like Janns idea of Timberlake too. You just need to get these guys and I’m gonna tweet like Noam just said. Best to you my friend.

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