This one needs no explanation.
So you’re not getting one.
However, I will say this: My life at the hotel is like twisting a radio dial endlessly, never remaining on a single station for long. The end result for all of you? Snippets of info/conversation/traveling madness that may leave you wanting more – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, right?
So here we go again…
“Do me like ISIS!”
[Yes, that one was humorous and controversial all at once. I can only imagine she was too busy gettin’ busy to be politically correct.]
“Our room was so cold last night… I actually thought I was going to have to bang the wife just to stay warm!”
“Yeah, we complained about everything until they started giving us free stuff! Don’t you love it?”
“Mummy and Daddy were playing ‘Keep Away’ last night in the bathroom! Mummy kept saying ‘Keep that thing away from me!”
“I’m so glad we came to Niagara Falls. We get robbed every time we go to Vegas!”
“There’s A LOT of hockey kids here this week. It’s like a mini-douchebag convention!”
“There are so many hockey families here! Remind me to go back on the pill when we get home!”
“But we can’t break up on vacation! It’s so cliche!”
“You can’t dump me, I need you! And not just because you’re my ride home!”
“She wanted to tie me up, but I was worried she’d steal my wallet… so I hid it in the hallway! (He pauses to pat himself down.) Oh, wait…”
“She was, plump, golden brown and juicy, like a Christmas turkey… that I got to have sex with.”
Overheard In The Elevator:
HOCKEY MOM #1: Thanks for taking all the kids to the movies last night.
HOCKEY MOM #2: No problem, hon! I know how much your va jay jay needed a good oiling!
HM #1: An oiling? It barely got a spray! Thank God we have each other to –
It was at that moment the ladies realized yours truly was aware of their Fifty Shades of Interaction. Not that that stopped them, mind you.
HM #1: You think he can hear us, do you? I don’t think he can. Anyway, he wasn’t up to his usual standards…
HM #2: He hasn’t been up to his standards for twenty years, dear! Neither has mine! Why do you think we get together so often?
HM #1: I thought it was because I have a great ass!
HM #2: Oh, you do, hon! And your rack is delicious!
HM #1: I know! Am I wrong to want a husband who can do me until I go blind? (Pausing to glance at the bellman with the victorious grin pasted all over his semi-handsome face.) Are you sure he can’t hear us?
HM #2: No, we’re fine.
ME: (As I depart the elevator.) Actually, you’re not. And by the way, miss, you’re far from wrong.
I know what you’re thinking, but the ladies were smiling – after they picked their cheatin’ jaws up off the floor, that is.
Back to the lightning round: cellphone edition.
“I know what my mom would say.. I let him do it anyway. I love him”
“Did you talk to the guy? (Pause.) The guy! (Pause) The thing!”
[Yes, people actually talk like this beyond HBO and Marty Scorcese flicks.]
“Why are you mad at me, your girlfriend, Dave? After everything I let you do to me? You remember, all the things your wife won’t do after your birthday?”
[I love it when all the exposition is done for me, don’t you?]
“Yeah, it’s done. Just make sure the money is in the account.”
[I told you people copy Marty Scorcese flicks. And yes, this guy was scary.]
Until I became a bellman, I never truly appreciated the importance of keeping one’s ears completely clean and in tip-top condition. Can you imagine what I’d miss if I succumbed to the dangers of waxy build-up?
That’s all for today, kids. See you in the lobby…