Things I’ve Overheard This Week.

This one needs no explanation.

So you’re not getting one.

So there.

However, I will say this: My life at the hotel is like twisting a radio dial endlessly, never remaining on a single station for long. The end result for all of you? Snippets of info/conversation/traveling madness that may leave you wanting more – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, right?

So here we go again…

“Do me like ISIS!”

[Yes, that one was humorous and controversial all at once. I can only imagine she was too busy gettin’ busy to be politically correct.]

 “Our room was so cold last night… I actually thought I was going to have to bang the wife just to stay warm!”

“Yeah, we complained about everything until they started giving us free stuff! Don’t you love it?”

 “Mummy and Daddy were playing ‘Keep Away’ last night in the bathroom! Mummy kept saying ‘Keep that thing away from me!”

“I’m so glad we came to Niagara Falls. We get robbed every time we go to Vegas!”

“There’s A LOT of hockey kids here this week. It’s like a mini-douchebag convention!”

“There are so many hockey families here! Remind me to go back on the pill when we get home!”

“But we can’t break up on vacation! It’s so cliche!”

“You can’t dump me, I need you! And not just because you’re my ride home!”

“She wanted to tie me up, but I was worried she’d steal my wallet… so I hid it in the hallway! (He pauses to pat himself down.) Oh, wait…”

 “She was, plump, golden brown and juicy, like a Christmas turkey… that I got to have sex with.”

Overheard In The Elevator:

HOCKEY MOM #1:  Thanks for taking all the kids to the movies last night.

HOCKEY MOM #2:  No problem, hon! I know how much your va jay jay needed a good oiling!

HM #1:  An oiling? It barely got a spray! Thank God we have each other to –

It was at that moment the ladies realized yours truly was aware of their Fifty Shades of Interaction. Not that that stopped them, mind you.

HM #1:  You think he can hear us, do you? I don’t think he can. Anyway, he wasn’t up to his usual standards…

HM #2:  He hasn’t been up to his standards for twenty years, dear! Neither has mine! Why do you think we get together so often?

HM #1:  I thought it was because I have a great ass!

HM #2:  Oh, you do, hon! And your rack is delicious!

HM #1:  I know! Am I wrong to want a husband who can do me until I go blind? (Pausing to glance at the bellman with the victorious grin pasted all over his semi-handsome face.)  Are you sure he can’t hear us?

HM #2:  No, we’re fine.

ME:  (As I depart the elevator.)  Actually, you’re not. And by the way, miss, you’re far from wrong.

I know what you’re thinking, but the ladies were smiling – after they picked their cheatin’ jaws up off the floor, that is.

Back to the lightning round: cellphone edition.

“I know what my mom would say.. I let him do it anyway. I love him”

“Did you talk to the guy? (Pause.) The guy! (Pause) The thing!”

[Yes, people actually talk like this beyond HBO and Marty Scorcese flicks.]

“Why are you mad at me, your girlfriend, Dave? After everything I let you do to me? You remember, all the things your wife won’t do after your birthday?”

[I love it when all the exposition is done for me, don’t you?]

 “Yeah, it’s done. Just make sure the money is in the account.”

[I told you people copy Marty Scorcese flicks. And yes, this guy was scary.]

Until I became a bellman, I never truly appreciated the importance of keeping one’s ears completely clean and in tip-top condition. Can you imagine what I’d miss if I succumbed to the dangers of waxy build-up?

That’s all for today, kids. See you in the lobby…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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45 Responses to Things I’ve Overheard This Week.

  1. I’ve never wanted to be a Bellman more in my life than I do in this moment.

  2. shimoniac says:

    Y’know, I can’t understand why you’re having trouble finishing your second book. All the inspiration you need is at work. Just file off the serial numbers, give it a fresh paint job, and voila. Then go and have a shower and delouse. 😉

  3. This is awesome…

  4. MissTiffany says:

    I cannot believe the things people say in public. Makes me wonder what people think of my random nerdy conversations….they could definitely some a little odd taken out of context. Haha!

  5. Paul says:

    Haha! Love the guy with the wallet “hiding” it in the hall. And then the realization that he had lost it – “Oh wait..” Bwahahaha! ha! You surely do hear some amazing stiff Hook. i really think a book would be a good idea.

    Tanks for a great laugh this morning!

  6. Do people really believe bellmen can’t hear them? What a hoot.

  7. Human are a marvel, aren’t they. I hadn’t heard Bellmen are deaf and blind? Are these job requirements when one applies? Oh yeah, they’re like priests. Their lips are sealed. But, I deaf and blind? Hmm. 😀 😀 😀

  8. This post makes me want to pay way more attention to what people are saying around me! So funny! 🙂

  9. TJLubrano says:

    Oh my gosh!!! This is so awesome. I can’t even leave a proper comment as I’m picturing how I could walk around like a ninja in the hotel, eavesdropping on all the chats the humans have, haha.

  10. Ha,ha,ha!! LOVE IT! Thanks for the many chuckles! I love your job! 🙂

  11. I think it is amazing (from a blog perspective) but horrifying (from a humanity perspective) that people either just don’t see you, or think you are oblivious!

  12. Amber says:

    Well, I’m coming back to blogging and thought I’d stop by one of my favorites… and you’re still as golden fresh as I remember! 😀

  13. HA! You’re like the invisible man! Just keep hanging out so we can tune in! I love hearing about your escapades! But right there with Ann that people are so oblivious they actually ignore your presence.? WTH? I am AMAZED at people’s stupidity and insensitivity sometimes! How could anyone possible ignore YOU?? *sheepish grin*
    I always assume someone is listening to me, even if I don’t see anyone nearby. You never know when your words might end up in someone’s blog!!! LMAO!!
    Have a great day Robert! 😀

  14. 1jaded1 says:

    Hee! It’s like “What the Deaf-Mute Heard” times a thousand. Unfortunately, people ARE willing to share anything in public. My friend tells me her sexcapades anywhere from the lunch room to the dollar store. I merely smile and nod my head.

  15. markbialczak says:

    Do those ladies in the elevator think a prequisite to being a bellman is being deaf? Lucky you. Great comeback, too, Hook, as always.

  16. You pulling our legs, right? No wonder Bell Men look so happy. Will watch my mouth in hotels from now on. Not that anything this juicy ever comes out of it.

  17. What colourful lives you eavesdrop on, Hook! Never a dull day at work. LOL

  18. Chrissy says:

    Took me a while, but I finally found your blog. xo love it

  19. The Cutter says:

    Hotel staff can hear us when we talk? WHAAAAAAAAT?

  20. Oh, snort. It is just like twisting a radio dial endlessly – bad reception just makes it more interesting.

  21. hahaha hilarious! esp the one about complaining till they started getting free stuff lol in my case i have only experienced the opposite lol!

  22. MJ says:

    Oh, how I’ve missed you. Awesome.

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