A HARD Start To 2015.

Having three days off before, during, and after New Year’s Eve is great for the mind but tough on the wallet. Fortunately, I returned to the hospitality trenches this morning and Fate was waiting for me with three distinctive and unforgettable calls.

CALL #1:

A young couple that epitomized the current dating paradigm. He was a larger-than-life, Italian Alpha male with more cosmetic products than my wife. And one of those “black hole” attitudes that draws anyone in his orbit in – whether they like it or not.

“Hey, Boss, how you doin’? I’m pretty destroyed today, but we can get through this together, right? You know what I’m sayin’, right?”

Not at all… but that never stopped me before. I nodded and we started loading his cart from the doorway. However, the remainder of his luggage was in the far end of the room which meant I had to enter the fun house of the twisted theme park that was this guy’s life. Before I did that, however, he needed to announce my arrival.

“Hey, Baby! Get some pants on, we’re comin’ in!”

Sure enough, we walked into the bedroom portion of the suite and there she was: A raven-haired beauty with an impossibly-tight top covering her thin torso… and no pants. To clarify, though, she did actually have pants on – but they were around her ankles. A pair of black panties with the word “JACKPOT” emblazoned across them kept the entire situation from being x-rated.

Of course, I’m willing to bet that the young lady’s “slot machine” had paid out so often there was no jackpot left to be had.

As for the young lady herself, her head was pointed directly at her phone, her eyes glazed over in that all-too familiar manner. Her man was not amused.

“Come on, Baby! Put that damn thing down, will ya? I swear, you hold that thing tighter than I hold my prick!”

Yes, these two were just lovely. He was raised by the cast of The Sopranos and she couldn’t stop texting long enough to pull her pants up.

Just lovely.

CALL #2: 

Two rooms, two tweens, two toddlers who couldn’t stop climbing my cart like a pair of howler monkeys on crack, two Israeli couples… and one single, super randy, Israeli female.

The female in question was as tall as yours truly, with dyed orange hair and a form-clinging tan outfit to match her locks. Honestly, I paid her no mind as her traveling companions carried luggage out to me (I was too busy continuously removing the little ones from my cart to pay any attention to anything else). And so my lack of focus proved to be my downfall.

With a matter of seconds the following scenario unfolded.

  • I bent over to secure my load. (Stop giggling, you perverts.)
  • I stood back up and came face-to-face with The Lady in Orange, who was pressed against my left side, her left hand exploring my lower half while a Cheshire Cat smile grew across her face.
  • I froze for a moment as I met her gaze.
  • She continued to grin and explore.
  • A puzzling lack of sensation down below made me realize the young lady was off the mark… to say the least.
  • I held up a finger to signal my new friend. (A single digit held in the air is the universal sign for “Please stop groping me for a moment.”)
  • A quick trip into my left pocket produced the actual object of my admirer’s ministrations… my large, hard rubber doorstop.
  • It was my turn to smile as she backed away laughing.

Amazingly, her entire group remained oblivious to the entire brief affair. I continued with my work while she wrestled with her surprise. In the end, I received a sizable tip and I walked away with another blog-worthy tale.

I love it when almost everyone wins, don’t you?

CALL #3:

By comparison, my last tale is downright boring. My guests were a middle-aged, white couple of even temperament and attitude. They were friendly to me when I arrived and they tipped me first.

So far, so good, right?

Then Mr. WASP handed me an unassuming, small pink bag that I can only assume belong to his spouse.

The bag began to hum like Godzilla on acid as soon as it landed on the cart. They both ignored it during the entire trip, but they were the only ones. I only wish I could have recorded the reaction the buzzing bag provoked in every guest it traveled by. Whenever possible, I quietly shook the bag, careful not to attract attention, but my efforts were in vain. Eventually we reached their truck which was parked on the valet deck and as I handed her the bag, Mrs. WASP addressed the elephant vibrator in the room, as it were.

“Sorry, about that, honey, but when you’ve been married as long as we have, you need a power boost every once in awhile. You understand, right?”

Again.. no. But its not my place to judge, only to chronicle and blog/tweet.

That’s all I have so far this year, friends. See you in the lobby…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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53 Responses to A HARD Start To 2015.

  1. Andy Townend says:

    I just love to read your stories, then I can’t stop laughing!

  2. Ned's Blog says:

    So, does that make it wrong for a bellman to carry a rubber door stop in his pants if he’s off duty? (Asking for a Canadian friend…)

  3. hollie says:

    Love it! Happy new year!

  4. Gennie says:

    Oh my! You have the best job ever! I wish I could have half as interesting encounters while at work… Also, I feared for a second that the Italian alpha-male you described was my dad… eek. I’m not even joking, either…

  5. Brilliant! Thank you for sharing 🙂

  6. You should get a Blogging Bellman Award for those incredible stories! Look forward to more in 2015!!! Christine

  7. Doorstops will never be the same………….still laughing. Great stuff. 😀

  8. susielindau says:

    A perfectly placed doorstop is a great way to start off the new year!

  9. krazykris71 says:

    Sweet holy hell! I wonder what happened to modesty, decency, and moral behavior in public? You poor man, you have the patience of Job, for sure. Your stories never fail to illicit giggles, dropped jaws or insane disgust depending on the subject. Keeping up with Cray-Cray is a full time occupation in the service industry. Bless you sir, I hope it goes better sooner than later, and may your doorstops be plenty.

  10. The Guat says:

    Ha! Happy New Year! Sorry to hear you got off to Bada Bing! start but your third call had me cracking up and at least had to make up for the other two. Humor always helps turn things around. Have a good one!

  11. None of my door stops ever got that kind of attention. Of course, none have had a ride in my pants.

  12. List of X says:

    Maybe that Jackpot was STD related….

  13. Is that a doorstop in your pocket or are you happy to see your guests?

  14. I see the New Year if off to a humming start. 😀
    Happy New Year.

  15. I think that is a great start to your year. We will have lots to look forward to if that is a sign of things to come this year. Has anyone asked? Was the “Jackpot” on the front or the back of her panties?

  16. You know, most of us are just posting our WP year end stat mini movies. You know why we’re doing that? ‘Cause we have no life. Or imagination. Or any events that come anywhere close to the hallways of big ‘ol fancy hotels. Sigh.

  17. Nikitaland says:

    Ya know Hook, I think you should start wearing a body cam and post your hotel guests on your blog. It would definitely be a hoot! I love all of your stories and I am floored every time I read them, which leaves me to wonder “what are people thinking?” Happy New Year to you my friend and to more buzzing bags that pass through your lobby!

  18. PinkNoam says:

    Im in the wrong job I think. Although if I didn’t have my current job where I’m bored for a couple of hours each day then i probably wouldn’t have started blogging. Great story mate 🙂

  19. Jeez there is just never a dull moment … Happy New Year!

  20. jlheuer says:

    Big tips for doorstop groping…be careful, you’ll be getting an -er at the end of your name.

  21. likeitiz says:

    I love love love this!

  22. shimoniac says:

    Become a bellman, meet interesting people, meet disgusting people, and meet weird people, then blog about them. Holy doorstop, Bell Man, do none of these people understand personal space or propriety? 😮 I think not, Gentle Reader. 😛 Happy New Year, Hook. 😉

  23. Veronica says:

    I’m always surprised at how many vibrating bags you cart on their way OUT of the hotel. Surely they should have been completely run down…? I know mine would have been.

  24. curvyroads says:

    Holy batshit! That’s ‘all’ you have so far??? Lol i vote for the body cam.

  25. Jo Bryant says:

    People amaze me…and so NOT in a good way.

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