A Holiday Post Unlike Any Other.

I’m not sure why, but I haven’t felt very festive this year.

Fortunately, that hasn’t stopped the chaos from flowing like cheap wine at work. Here now, for your pleasure/amusement/horror are my Top Ten Holiday moments/Guests so far.

10)  The morning a guest actually suggested I’d be cut out for a role other than “Sarcastic, Outspoken Bellman in a Leading Role”.

Just picture a thin (relatively), Canadian boy and drop Lauren Graham. (VampireLover would have my bellman guts for garters.)

9)  Guests stuck  in the revolving door. 

What do you get when you combine two $250,000 state-of-the-art (but not really), revolving doors with thousands of travelers? Why, hours of fun, of course! Never mind the explicit computerized vocal instructions:

“Please… keep moving forward. Do not touch the glass.”

 And what do our guests do when a computer voice issues them instructions? You guessed it. They do the exact opposite; they stop and they place their hands all over that glass like it’s a plate of free bacon. Good job, people. Incidentally, I’ve condensed hundreds of incidents into one.

You’re welcome.

8)  The siblings that lashed their little brother to the Christmas tree beside my desk. With bungee cords. 

“I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO.. JUST WATCH TIMMY WHILE YOUR FATHER AND I GO GET A COFFEE, ALL RIGHT?”

Not only did this brother/sister duo’s mother make Kevin McCallister‘s progenitor look competent, she had apparently never heard the phrase, “Careful what you wish for.”

7)  The drunken sorority trio from Texas that slammed into the glass beside the revolving door in my lobby. Twice. 

“Dude, are we wasted or what?”

I honestly didn’t think real people spoke like that. But they do. When drunk. To clarify, the blonde, brunette, and redhead (they were a united colors of Benetton of sorority girls), all slurred that declaration simultaneously after the aforementioned collision. And when I mentioned their timing?

“That’s not all we do simultan-… that’s not all we do simul-… that’s not all we do at the same time!”

By the way, that was the red head. She was the least inebriated of the bunch – and she had vomit on her blouse and shoes. God bless America.

6)  The Wonderful World of Crasians.

“Crasians” (I’m in the process of trademarking the term, so back off, Ned Hickson), are Asians of either gender – though the term is most often used to describe over-animated females from the Pacific rim – who have embraced chaos with every fiber of their being. The week preceding Christmas brings thousands of Crasians from Toronto and thereabouts to the hotel.

They’re happy. They’re fired up. They’re decent. They’re incredibly cheap. Mostly.

They’re also wonderful to deal with during the check-out rush. Protocol demands that we call a room and verify if the guest has parked their car with our valet department or exercised their self-parking option. This helps the bellmen coordinate our efforts with the guys behind the wheels. Easier said than done.

 ME: Yes, this is the bellman. I’m on my way to your room but I wanted to see if we valet parked your car?

CRASIAN GUEST:  Cart? Yes, we need cart! For luggage!

To be fair, I can only imagine how I’d do if I was traveling abroad. But let’s continue, shall we?

ME:  No, I need to see if you need your CAR brought around?

CG:  I need CART!

This is when I either give up or repeat until a communication breakthrough occurs. Either way, I shake my head until it feels as though it’s going to fall off and roll down through the lobby.

5)  Those maniacal kids.

Some of them are hopped-up on Red Bull. Some of them have mainlined a dozen Pixy Stixs. Some of them have inhaled enough candy bars to make Willy Wonka a diabetic. Some of them are covered in the remnants of various fast food pit stops along the road. All of them are completely, utterly, out of control.

But I don’t blame them. Their creators should be beaten with a copy of a Dr. Spock collected edition.

4)  The hookers dressed as Daphne and Velma from Scooby-Doo.

I’ll say this, these escorts weren’t up to the high standard set by Bobbi Starr and Bree Olson in the 2011 adult film masterpiece Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody.

But they were willing to go above and beyond for their “craft”.

Or should that be “below and forward… and backwards”?

Either way, I’ve seen a few call girls (I prefer the term “hooker”, rather than something dressed up, but, much like my guests, I feel the need to spice things up a bit at times), who have been willing to go the extra mile via cosplay but these girls pulled out all the stops. Among other things, of course. Our paths crossed as they were walking out of a room, cash in one hand, stylish raincoats in the other.

3)  The dad who was out of his depth.

A cursory glance at his attire and features told the tale; ill-fitting, designer label clothes that had no business being on his middle-age, hockey dad, suburban frame. Chipped fingernails. Coffee breath and weary, bloodshot eyes. A receding, blond hairline, newly-cropped and colored with frosted tips. Designer specks, teetering in the edge of his nose. To top it all off, this poor guy had to deal with:

  • A young Third-World-most-likely-mail-order-new-wife with a Kardashian complex… and the attitude to match.
  • Three kids who were taking full advantage of this poor schmuck’s obvious guilt over his divorce.
  • A tiny, ridiculously rambunctious, yip-yappy dog of unidentified species whom I’m certain was drinking Red Bull in the car with the Terrible rug-rat Trio.
  • Twenty bags. (Don’t ask me why he didn’t get a bellman.)
  • Zero clues.

I attempted to help him, but he was determined to go down swinging.

2)  That time the phones went down and everyone freaked out.

Incidentally, as of this writing, that was five minutes ago. In the hospitality business, communication is key. Without precision coordination between departments, everything goes to heck. And so, when the phones went down, managers went ballistic. Guests were oblivious as usual. I kept writing.

Good times.

 1)  The unknown/that which has yet to come.

 It could be anything from a fire alarm to a zombie apocalypse. Literally. The sky’s the limit when you mix thousands of kids, hockey dads, Crasians, corporate drones, road-weary parents, hookers, frat boys, drunken sorority girls, inebriated frat boys, mail-order brides, serial-killers-in-training, the odd decent soul, confused grandparents and a mix of everything-under-the-sun… and me.

Wish me luck. I’d pray, but the Good lord has better things to do than listen to my pleas, especially at this time of year.

See you in the lobby, folks…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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46 Responses to A Holiday Post Unlike Any Other.

  1. shimoniac says:

    Hey, Hook, does your hotel offer an observation option? 😀 I don’t necessarily want to stay at your hotel, but I would pay a couple bucks to be able to hang out in the lobby during the rush period. Preferably behind bullet-proof glass with optional ear muffs and a snack tray. 🙄
    Oh, and an interpreter to point out and explain the weirdness I’m currently watching. If your hotel doesn’t offer this service, maybe you can suggest this to your supervisor. Or you could go body camera like several U.S. police services, and sell the footage on-line, suitably edited and narrated by yourself. 😉

  2. Great post. They should make it into a film (or have they already?)
    Happy New Year Hook. 😀

    • The Hook says:

      Not quite.
      But hopefully Austin Hodges will take a crack at it?

    • List of X says:

      There is a movie called Four Rooms about a bellman dealing with various guests, directed by Tarantino and co. Hook, is it accurate, or is it a mellowed-down version of what you have to deal with?

      • The Hook says:

        The heavy dialogue is frighteningly accurate, but otherwise…
        Incidentally, Four Rooms launched the Spy Kids franchise.
        But no, although I deal with some pretty kooky characters, none of them have tried to seduce me in order to raise a goddess.

      • List of X says:

        Wait, so you had to chop off people’s fingers?
        And I’m sure you’ve had people trying to seduce you – they probably just don’t bother telling you why.

  3. 1jaded1 says:

    Good luck, as always. Does your lobby play Christmas music after the holiday? Yesterday, while food shopping, I heard a bevy of winter songs. Nothing Christ or Santa related…I was mildly amused and annoyed. Then i heard the one about Santa coming to town…I thought, “Not for another 362/363 days…cut it out”…Happy Sunday, friend.

  4. Very festive. No 5 was rather classy, classier than the x rated Scooby Doo. I used to waitress and the crasians usually request ‘lice’ with their mains. It took me a while to realise that they wanted rice.

  5. We have Texas Craisens as well. Really tough getting out of the way.

  6. Austin says:

    I love Bad Santa. That flick cracks me up every time, and I’ve seen it many, many times. Lauren Graham was so hot…

  7. Pamela Edwards says:

    Option for hotel: charge admission, see the show for free… lol !

  8. susielindau says:

    Too bad you can’t take pictures. I would’ve loved to see the kid corded to the Christmas tree! Ha!

  9. List of X says:

    What do you mean a guest had a Kardashian complex? Was she trying to make a sex tape in the elevator?

    • The Hook says:

      Not that I know of, but she was glammed/blinged up and attempting to hold herself above all others… while failing miserably, of course.

  10. Now you have me wondering about the effectiveness of bellman guts for garters. Seems workable in that sinewy tendon-ish idea. Would they stay flexible enough, or would they snap when dried? Would we be able to apply an emollient to keep them movable, but not weakened? Will think more after dinner. Ta ta for now.

  11. PinkNoam says:

    I’m liking the tying kids to christmas trees with bungie cords idea. I’m going to have to have that one ready for next year when I’m ready to kill my own nieces and nephews because they won’t SIT THE F*CK DOWN FOR TWO F*CKING MINUTES WILL YOU?!!
    Ahem.
    Yeah so, thanks for that.

  12. Bungee cords and yes they are that drunk. Hotel just keeps gifting you adventures, Hook.
    (Hmm…movie idea for next year: Bellman who’s had enough dressed as mad Santa terrorizing the hotel guests…you bet someone’ pitching that idea right this minute…might be a big hit next Dec. if they include North Korea’s Prez in there…..get the rights, now, Hook!)
    Hope your “In-Between Week” is easy to float on through.

  13. Paul says:

    Whew, you have been busy. The Crasians caught my attention. Some years ago, when I was transport manager for a retail organization, one of the drivers came to me and asked if he could have his run changed to avoid delivering to a particular store. Now this store was old and in a rundown part of and very old part of town – populated predominately by Asians. It was common to see visiting groups of Asians with their cameras walking in the area and they often stopped to take pictures of the truck. The store was so old, there was no unloading ramp or facility. We used a short pup trailer with a tailgate for delivery. The driver had to park on the sidewalk, unload one skid at a time (whle a store employee guarded the truck to prevent stock from walking) and then take that skid to one of four entrances and take it one case at a time into the store. It was hard, but the drivers were paid by the hour, encouraged to take their time and had help from the store employees. I asked the driver why he didn’t want to deliver there as he had been for some months. So, he explained. Apparently to add insult to injury, the city had decided to dig a 15 foot deep hole in the sidewalk exactly where the truck usually parked – which was close to the store entrance that took the majority of the load. That meant that the driver had to park the truck partially on the road and manoever the skids around the hole to get to the entrance. The driver said that he had had a night mare the night before that he had slipped and fallen into the hole and as he was laying on his back on the bottom, he could see a ring of Asian tourists around the top all leaned over and taking his picture. i laughed and told how to be careful when he did the store and have a nice day. Those Crasians, they are rough in nightmares.

  14. The Cutter says:

    Aren’t most dads overmatched really? I know I feel that way many days.

    And yeah, Scooby Doo porn? I’m slightly intrigued.

  15. Wow! I think I have to visit this hotel of yours. It’s on my bucket list. Stay there till I come! Ps Australians don’t know about tipping. It has to be explained to them along with a lot else.

  16. Kevin says:

    Loved Number 3…guilt ridden father stories are always welcome. Now I have to look up the Scooby Doo porn…thanks a lot…and I always love a good redhead story (only because my wife is a redhead). Thanks for sharing!

  17. For the record, the Redhead, no matter how much puke is on her blouse will finish the sentence one way or another.
    Happy New Year, Hook.

  18. jlheuer says:

    Happy New Year Hook, and if you are working New Year’s Eve wear a smile and keep your pen handy. (and maybe wear a Hazmat suit)

  19. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall as you go through your day…I have a whole visual in my head when I read your stories and would love to see if any of it matches 🙂

  20. curvyroads says:

    Your experiences, holiday or not, are priceless blog fodder, Hook!

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