Happy Holidays… You Filthy Animals.

Well, the holidays are upon us, a time for sharing, caring and plenty of travel tales from yours truly.

Unfortunately, I’ve been distracted writing, editing and obsessing over Book Two, serving travelers to my fair city and oh yeah, being a dad and husband, to spend time tending to the blog.

Still, I’m willing to do what I can.

To that point…

My day at the hotel began like any other, dead quiet and still, much like Kris Jenner’s mindscape. Then I was called to a family suite that had been converted to a temporary howler monkey habitat. That’s when things got interesting.

I’ve been married for twenty years next year, kids. I’ve survived college in Etobicoke. I’ve dated girls that would turn a straight man screaming to the other team. I serve a traveling  public that sometimes fears and hates me every day and I have done so for almost two decades. I’ve even read Ned Hickson’s book – and you should too.

But I’ve never seen a trio of literal wall-crawling, Red Bull-chugging, Cheeto-eating, screaming-until-their-voices-are-raw, lamp smashin’, bed leapin’, law breakin’, sanity- challenging, overpowered and under-medicated rugrats like the three I encountered this morning. Needless to say, I’ve had my share of close calls with crazed toddlers over the years and so it takes a lot to phase me.

But these little monsters phased me.

They were created in perfect succession; a year and a few inches separated each of them and yet, they were in perfect sync. The boy led the way and his two female siblings eagerly followed in his destructive footsteps. Of course, the parental units were blissfully ignorant to their spawn’s collective rampage. They always are though, aren’t they? Some parents spend fifteen seconds making babies… and a lifetime ignoring them afterwards.

But back to the toddler madness. I was in the room for a full two minutes before all Hell really broke loose. The boy gave me a very strange look, much like a cheetah eyeing a gazelle. And then…


He ran straight up to me… and sacked me.


Men, feel free to wince and cover your groin. Ladies, feel free to chuckle – but not for long. Personally, I’m taking a bit of pride in the fact the little monster had a big target…

As for the aftermath of the run-by sacking, let’s just say the little guy fit nicely in his father’s suitcase and leave it that, shall we? To say anymore would be to court death – or a at the very least, a visit to HR.


See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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47 Responses to Happy Holidays… You Filthy Animals.

  1. Britt says:

    What a sweet little tyke.

    Honestly, I loathe almost all children who aren’t mine. Merry Christmas, funny man. Guard your privates.


  2. oceanswater says:

    The little monster! He deserved to stay in dad’s suit case… LOL Happy Holidays Hood!

  3. Pamela Edwards says:

    Clearly you’re not paid near enough for the hazards of your position. Who knew you needed a protective cup for the job?
    Bless you Hook, you need it!

  4. Ouch!
    And the parents are disabled humans? Can’t see, hear or talk?

  5. That Elf on a Shelf not working too well with that one….or anything else probably (like the parents even try…easier to feint horror and make big public hand wringing)
    You will have justice…he will be a teenager – in their house.
    Merry merry to you and yours, Hook.

  6. The Cutter says:

    So was it a case of him running into you, or was this a full-blow punch to the happy place?

  7. Just as well you’ve had kids already….

  8. Some people should be prevented from having children!! I swear! There should be some kind of test before having the ability to have “unprotected” sex!! Sheesh!
    I’m so sorry! Hazard pay! That’s what you need…because I’m sure you don’t get near enough to warrant that kind of abuse! Grrr…

  9. Oh my.
    Who knew that you’d need to be knitted up like a catcher behind the plate to make it through the day? Yikes!
    (Excited to hear that you are editing book #2!!)

  10. Happy Holidays, my dear Robert! Stay warm – happy and …safe! 😉
    My best wishes to the Hook family.

  11. The Guat says:

    Duuuuude in truth I did laugh a little. But I imagine if I was there I would have felt your pain. Merry Christmas! And great pic.

  12. 1jaded1 says:

    I hope his foot rots and falls off. Ugh. Not cute or funny.

  13. At least he called you “sir” before the assault on your nether regions. I say leave him in the suitcase.

  14. mabukach says:

    Speaking of a tip, did his parents leave you one?

  15. renxkyoko says:

    Merry Christmas to you, Mr. Hook… and to your loved ones. Cheers !

  16. Paul says:

    You should demand danger pay Hook. Wow. I had no idea that getting socked in the privates was a part of the job description for your position. I’m not sure I would have taken it as gracefully as you did. You are a patient and kind man.

  17. shimoniac says:

    I laughed, I winced, I laughed again. Mostly because it didn’t happen to me. I wonder, did you contemplate showing the young pugilist the (ahem) shortcut to the outdoor pool? 😉

  18. stephrogers says:

    ooooh, kids, considering they can’t hit the toilet bowl consistently they have surprisingly excellent aim when it counts! Happy Holidays to you sir xx

  19. Jo Bryant says:

    Oh dear Hook…that is awful. Hope the bits are doing okay. Happy Christmas my friend.

  20. Ouch! On the other hand, at least you don’t have to deal with the size of Santa’s sack.
    Merry Christmas Robert! I suspect you’re celebrating with something on the rocks. 😀

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