Ten-Hut! There’s an Inspection Today, So Straighten Up And Fly Right, Maggots!

There’s an inspector from Head Office (a term that shouldn’t make me giggle so much, but it does), in the hotel today and so, as anyone with a modicum of familiarity with the inner workings of bureaucratic thinking knows, all hell is breaking loose.

Vacuums are running non-stop. Brooms are sweeping back and forth in perpetual motion. Waste receptacles are being dumped after a single piece of garbage is deposited in them. (I’m having so much fun doing that.) Dogs and cats are living in sin.

It’s mass hysteria.

Naturally, I’m loving every second.

Inspections are all about nudging hotel franchise owners in the right direction, nothing more. Head Office (yes, it happened again), wants to ensure their satellite properties are running properly and serving guests with maximum efficiency while treating them like kings and queens – even if they’re paupers. Owners and managers take these visits so seriously, their butt cheeks clench tight enough to produce diamonds. (Yes, that’s how a bellman really survives the off-season, kids. He places coal has coal placed in a manger’s anal cavity well in advance of an inspector’s arrival… and waits for a diamond to fall out. It’s that simple.)

I joke of course. (What else am I going to do? It’s dead in the hotel right now!) In all seriousness, though, I fully acknowledge the importance of inspections and in that spirit, I present to you now a list of things I won’t be doing while the good inspector is with us.

1)  Rapping at the Bell Desk.

I’m no Ice-T, but I do all right. Still, it looks pretty scary. Never mind a flamingo on Ritalin, I look like a flamingo that’s been hit with 1.21 gigawatts of electricity.

2)  Launching makeshift projectiles in the lobby from a homemade catapult.

It is fun to give old folks a shock though. The challenge is to get close enough to a old man to make him crap himself. What can I say? I get bored. And I don’t have to cl ean it up, anyway.

3)  Adopt a distant look on my face as I contemplate my latest blog while at work.

So much for that one.

4)  Laugh hysterically when fifteen tourists find themselves trapped in the hotel’s two-hundred and fifty-thousand revolving door.

Which, incidentally, happens… All. The. Time.  The sensors are more sensitive than your worst girlfriend/boyfriend. And they’re tripped even easier than security at Fort Knox. I usually just giggle quietly at my near-by desk but sometimes I have to get up close and personal to the inaction to really appreciate it. Guests just don’t seem to grasp the concept of overcrowding. They jam themselves in there and hope for the best.

Which always leads to the worst.

5)  I promise not to make a guest weep by unleashing a tirade of patented, veiled insults when I’m inevitably stiffed today.

Anyone buying this? Anyone at all?

6)  All right… I promise not to tell anyone when I make a guest weep by unleashing a tirade of patented, veiled insults when I’m inevitably stiffed today.

How’s that?

7)  I’ll try not to engage in too many conversations like this one:

In front of the inspector, at least.

MIDDLE-AGED, CRANKY MALE GUEST:  (To me, while observing two smokin’ hot, very much in love – with each other – young girls.)  I don’t get the whole lesbian thing, buddy! In fact, I hate ’em!

ME:  (Otherwise known as “Buddy’.)  That’s a bit harsh, even for a Monday morning, sir.

MCMG:  Maybe, but they tick me off! I mean, if they have each other, what do they need me for?

ME:  To remind them why they turned to lesbianism in the first place? And why they still embrace it?

As usual, my aggressive candor brought his thought process to a standstill, bu the recovered nicely. In his own way, of course.

MCMG:  Ha! You’re a smartass, buddy! I love that about you! It’s a good thing, too, or I would have had to kick your ass!

ME:  Lucky me, then. I’m a bleeder.

MCMG:  Ha!

8)  I won’t slap any cougars on the backside and say, “You’re a tall glass of water, aren’t you, sweet stuff?”

Wait, cougars say and do that to me. Never mind.

9)  I promise not to comment on the holiday-themed vase on our desk filled with Christmas ornaments and say, “Boy, we sure have a lot of balls!”

I’ll wait until I get to the Front Desk to say that. Maybe.

And finally…

10)  I won’t fall to my knees in the lobby like Willem Dafoe in Platoon and scream, “WHY, GOD? WHY?” whenever Wrecking Ball is played in the lobby.

And trust me, it will be.

And that, my friends, concludes my promises for the day. Don’t ever say I’m not a team player.

See you in the lobby… Unless the inspector is around. In that case, I’ll be hiding in a specially-designed cubby hole…


It’s World Aids Day, so educate yourselves, okay? Knowledge is power.


About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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29 Responses to Ten-Hut! There’s an Inspection Today, So Straighten Up And Fly Right, Maggots!

  1. The Cutter says:

    They really play Wrecking Ball that much? That’s gotta be tough after a while.

  2. Oh this is funny. And thanks a LOT for now getting me stuck on “head office”. Sigh.

  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Thank you for livening up an afternoon stuck at the front desk, doing a bunch of nothing. 🙂

  4. girlseule says:

    Any inspector that wouldn’t approve of a rapping bellman is just a pain in the arse!

    Good on you for talking about World AIDS day too. There is still so much mis-information. I hear educated people in their twenties say things like, “condoms don’t prevent HIV because the virus is so small it gets through the tiny pores.” Sheeeeeesh!

  5. List of X says:

    Turning coal into diamonds using managers buttocks is an ingenious way to survive in the off-season. Too bad that in the off-season bellmen can’t even afford coal.

  6. PsiFiGal says:

    Thanks for posting the World AIDs day photo. I didn’t know about it, even though it’s late I’ll still post it on my facebook page.

  7. Except for maybe 10 percent of them, anyone “above store level” who comes to look over the store where I work is a drone with dumber ideas and less personality than the desk I’m sitting at now. When we hear they’re in the area, I tell my co-workers “The short bus is coming!”, with all apologies to “challenged” children (typically the riders of short buses in the U. S., to keep them from being bullied, I suppose) who, unlike higher-ups in most companies, at least try to do their best with what they have to start with.

  8. Paul says:

    Ah yes, I too can recall visits by “head office”. they are stressful and produce some very odd behaviour. Well written Hook.

    • The Hook says:

      Thanks, Paul.
      That means a lot, considering the source.

      • Paul says:

        Ha! i came to work one day and our office floor was polished to a gleam. This was a trucking company with drivers wandering in and out fom a gravel parking lot all day long. The best we ever hoped for was a well mopped floor. I inquired and the manager said that head office, including the owner was coming to visit. The floor was a sturdy grey tile and i explained to the manager that when I was little my Dad built a house. He was not a well to do man and used tile in most of the house for flooring. In my room, he had a talented relative come in and do a mosaic of grey, red and white tile in the shape of a giant elephamts head in tile in the center of the floor – i’ve never seen anything like it before or after.It was about 3 feet across and looked just like Dumbo. I suggested to my manager that we should have someone come in and do such a mosaic of our owner’s head in the center of the office floor – it would be so much more flattering than just waxing the tile. ha! He declined.

  9. It’s great to see you have fun in normal day life 😀 xxLucas

  10. #7 is my fav. I wouldn’t have the gumption to mouth off to a guest like that. And if I did, I wouldn’t have the witty rejoinder to recover. I’d end up with my ass good and kicked.

  11. So…here is how my weird memory works: I actually know where that saying came from: “has coal placed in a manger’s anal cavity well in advance of an inspector’s arrival… and waits for a diamond to fall out.” LMAO! Seems I remember hearing that line in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off when describing his friend “Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond.” Head Office… he he he! (I’m still giggling) 😀

  12. Ha ha, funnies again. So, um ,can I get one of those diamonds for Christmas? 🙄

  13. curvyroads says:

    ‘Head office’ teehee. And please, do all those things; it would make the inspector’s visit so much more worthwhile.

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