Well, I’m no Detective William Murdoch of the Toronto Constabulary, but…

I do all right.

To begin with, it has to be stated for the record that I’m one lucky son of a bitch. It certainly doesn’t feel that way, but its true. As a bellman I’m in a unique position to observe people at their best… and their worst.

Two young girls – giggling all the while – stood beside me this morning as I waited for a guest elevator to take me to my first call of the day. They were so enthralled in their conversation they drifted from reality, barely squeezing their tightly-wrapped, nubile, twenty-something forms through the elevator doors in the nick of time.

They were Lucy and Ethel for a new age; a towering blonde in classic librarian glasses, a form-fitting, black-as-night sweater that left nothing to the imagination (wasn’t that sweet of her?) and impossibly-tight leather pants and her bubble-headed BFF, a statuesque fiery redhead in a wet-t-shirt-ready white blouse that was woefully insufficient to withstand the chill in the lobby air (but I imagine she planned it that way), and a pair of faded blue jeans that one can only assume she was poured into, that’s how tight they were.

As I was saying, they were wrapped snugly in their own world and so they paid me no mind.

Thank God.

Girls like this make my job so much easier.

“LUCY”:  Well, last night was the night.

“ETHEL”:  What are you talking about?

LUCY:  We finally did it!

ETHEL:  You guys always do it! You even did it in an RV while your parents sat up front!

Have to admit, I liked these girls immediately.

LUCY:  NO, you whore, I’m talking about “IT”. I finally let him do “IT” to me!
Never mind the insult, Ethel just kept on rolling. I guess her whorish status was a badge of honor.

ETHEL:  Wait… do you mean.. you let him put it… there?

There? Ouch.

LUCY:  (Wincing slightly at the memory as she answered.)  Yep.

ETHEL:  It wasn’t his birthday? Because I let Gary do that. Once. But only for his birthday. And only after he got me really doped up and drunk. Was it his birthday?

Nice. Who says romance is dead?

LUCY:  (Still ignoring my presence.)  No, it wasn’t his birthday. But I decided to give him a present anyway!

A tie or a smartphone probably would have been sufficient, but oh well, to each his own. 

ETHEL:  Well?

LUCY:  Well, what?


ETHEL:  Well, how was it? Did you enjoy it?

At that moment, Lucy just froze and shivered slightly, no doubt recoiling from what I imagine was a very unpleasant experience.

LUCY:  Uh, well… it…

I could stand it no longer.

ME:  It hurt like hell, didn’t it?

I was the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs’ entire civilization, the father that walked in on the slumber party confessions and the cop that put a stop to the Inspiration Point make-out session – all wrapped up in a drab bellman’s uniform.

The girls froze. For a moment at least.

LUCY:  How did you know?

ETHEL (Giggling all the while.)  Yeah, how could you possibly have known what we were talking about?

ME:  Well, I’m no Detective William Murdoch of the Toronto Constabulary… but I’m not a moron either. I’m assuming you didn’t book the Sodomy Suite when you checked in?

The girls – as girls like this usually do – pondered my statement before breaking out into a fit of laughter that continued when I exited the elevator.

My apologies for any frustration you may be experiencing at this moment but that’s how my life works. I walk in and out of guests’ lives, observing as much as I can for a few fleeting moments before processing those events and passing them onto you.

I hope this tidbit was satisfactory, friends. Onto the next one. See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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27 Responses to Well, I’m no Detective William Murdoch of the Toronto Constabulary, but…

  1. Is the photo of Ethel and Lucy eating chocolate a metaphor “it”?

  2. Paul says:

    Is there no end to man’s depravity?

  3. Oh hook. I like how you toy with them 🙂

  4. Nobody says:

    Good seeing you again friend… I love the Artful Detective shows by the way.

  5. Nobody says:

    And reading this caused me to go back into the archives of my own site to re-read my rendition of your life as “Captain Hook” after carefully following, and reading your never ending true- to- life experiences. Truth is definitely stranger than fiction many times. And with your profession—and professions—all the more so.
    Merry Christmas

  6. NotAPunkRocker says:

    That could have gone a couple of different ways (ha ha)!

  7. Out for all the world to see…at least to bellmen. 💡

  8. shimoniac says:

    Did you know that Yannick Bisson stars in a children’s show called Napkin Man? From the sublime to the ridiculous. See here, http://www.breakthroughentertainment.com/show/the-adventures-of-napkin-man

  9. I am always amazed at what people will “willingly and happily” talk about in the elevator when they know it is a small space and there are other people riding it with them. We all can hear. LOL

  10. PsiFiGal says:

    You had me roaring at “I was the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs’ entire civilization” !!! Then I was giggling like those young girls through the rest of it. Thanks for the laughter, Hook. I really needed it today.


  11. You are not invisible…right? Do the “guests” at your hotel just assume you are either deaf or bound by some kind of priestly or doctor like code that you can’t divulge these tales. I think there should be some kind of Super Hero Bellman guy and you would be perfect for the part. Your power is obviously your ability to have people act as if you are not in the room and divulge their deepest darkest and stupidest secrets. You are a Super Hero to me, Hook.

  12. PinkNoam says:

    I’m glad I wasn’t there, I’d have given them pointers on how to make it more enjoyable. But then I’d probably have been fired too.

  13. Yep, never a dull moment. Need a drink about now. Well, bottom’s up!

  14. curvyroads says:

    Hi Hook, don’t mind me, just here for my periodic catch up. 😉

    That was as hilarious as it was frightening…

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