I realize many of you are currently engaged in heated battle for that ever-elusive Black Friday item but for those of you who are still with us, here is a little childhood recollection from my hall of memory.
Public schools are all about slave labor; in my educational career every teacher I ever met was underpaid, undersexed and overbearing. Naturally, I clashed with most of my masters, and of course, these conflicts rarely went my way. One of my earliest adversaries was Mr. Borden. (He was a real pip; his motto was “I’ll beat the rambunctiousness out of your kids – with learning.”)
You know the saying, “spare the rod, spoil the child”, or as it was originally written, “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”? Well, “Bad Borden” was never in danger of spoiling a child, and he certainly never spared a rod. Don’t get me wrong, he certainly never behaved inappropriately with any male students, but the man once showed up on a Monday morning wearing more rouge than our Home Ec teacher, Miss Burnnitt.
As a lifelong comic book fan and a horny young male, I was mortified. And since 90% of my blood supply was moving away from my brain-box, I was also hopelessly under-equipped for the task at hand. When my feeble attempts at pressing pins through the pages and into the bulletin board proved fruitless, my Master demanded I use the stapler instead. His exact words were quite subtle:
“Hey, Hookey, we don’t have all day! Snap out of it, you slacker! Use your brain and the stapler!”
And so, as Cindy Day and the entire classroom looked on, I picked up the stapler and used it to hammer the pins through pages of what would have someday been classic issues of Peter Parker, The Spectacular Spider-Man.
Needless to say, I didn’t spend my recess swapping spit with Cindy Day in the schoolyard tire fort.
Oh well, I’m certain I ruined her for other men, at the very least.
Stop giggling, it may have happened!
See you in the lobby, but not the Black Friday sales, shoppers…