Once again, the American Thanksgiving holiday is upon us and you know what that means, right?
Tons of well-intentioned, super cool – even from Ned Hickson – holiday posts.
Well, this isn’t one of them so don’t get any ideas. If you want some holiday-themed yucks and sentiment go check out those over-medicated nut bars at Long Awkward Pause, they’ll be happy yo help you. As for yours truly, I’m… well, I’ll explain what I am in a moment. Right now, I want to wish everyone a happy Yankee Turkey Day. Even you, Ned. Though you still owe me fifty bucks.
Let’s begin with three words that speak volumes, shall we?
I’m. Still. Here.
The last few months and a few more failures/rejections have changed me beyond measure, and I cannot say when or if I will ever return to a regular blogging schedule, but at this moment, the mood has struck me and so here we are.
So without further
bullshit adieu, I present to you now the Tao of The Hook.
1) Wake up every day.
It’s that simple. As a lifelong resident of Niagara Falls I have seen the horror that accompanies the act of suicide and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. (More on that later, by the way.) To be clear, I would never judge those poor souls who have taken that step – I’ve literally been to the edge myself – but no matter what the problem, there is a solution.
The key to that solution? Surviving long enough for it to present itself. Find a coping mechanism that doesn’t diminish your body and soul and hang on for dear life.
2) Don’t have a worst enemy.
Or any degree of enemy, for that matter. Unless you’re a spandex-clad member of the superhero set, having a nemesis will bring you nothing but heartache and it will rot your soul faster than any evening with the Kardashians. And besides, would you even know what to do with an enemy if you did have one? It’s a losing proposition, man.
Sure you could fight them with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, the only way to win at personal warfare is to not play the game at all. And yes, this advice comes to you courtesy of a man who has gone toe-to-toe with many a colleague and guest over the years, but those battles were one-offs, not full-blown campaigns.
Make love, not war; it’s not just a slogan spouted by long-haired, drug addled freaks, but a way of life.
3) If you can afford to hire a contractor to handle home repairs… do so – always.
Screw your pride – and the entire DIY industry – not everyone is cut out to be handy with a hammer. (Quit giggling, this serious business!)
However, if you do find yourself motivated to tackle such endeavors, heed my words of caution…
4) NEVER STAND ON A SAWHORSE.
I’m sure I don’t need to explain myself, do I? And speaking of costly mistakes…
5) Don’t fear your inner Dumbass.
There resides within each of us, a dumbass, a failed version of ourselves that will rear his or her ugly head from time to time. Don’t fear your inner dumbass; God put it there to remind of your humanity – and how fragile it actually. Learn from your dumbass. Adjust for its presence. Live with it rather than against it.
Bear in mind this advice is coming to you courtesy of a world-class dumbass, so…
6) Hookers, strippers and porn stars used to be little girls.
Yes, I realize I just deflated more than one erection, but in a society obsessed with sex, that needed to be noted. I’ve seen thousands of sex workers in my career and I’ll see thousands more before I’m through – and each and every one of them had a heart and soul. Somewhere in there.
7) Honesty is the best policy.
Yes, I sound like an After School Special, but so what? The classics have never go out of style. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve avoided spending the night in the dog house by revealing the truth before it came out. Which it always does, sooner or later. So be smart, kids, tell the truth and it’ll set you free, apparently.
That having been said…
8) You’re going to spend time in the dog house.
Inevitably, we all screw up – some more than others – and whether we’re in a relationship or not, we all spend time paying for those mistakes. So keep an emergency kit handy at all times. And always be prepared to suck it up and move on.
9) Always take time to enjoy the little things.
We rarely inject a dose of perspective into our daily routine. We just put our heads down and hope we come out a winner in the rat race. And we rarely do. So never forget to enjoy whatever makes you happy – if only for a moment or two.
For example, I know this will make some of you happy…
And this will do it for some others…
And finally, this will appeal to some truly special souls…
Is anyone still here?
Yes? Wow, you’re troopers, aren’t you? All right, that type of perseverance deserves a reward. Here now, is my final rule, the one that has defined my life and set me upon the path to greatness.
All right, stop laughing. I may not be a legend, or successful, or rich, or even respected, but I’m not a total D-bag, so this rule has served its purpose.
Here we go…
Oh wait, we’re out of time. Sorry.
See you in the lobby, kids…