31 Things I’d Rather Do Than Serve A Hockey Family.

BEFORE WE BEGIN:  To be perfectly clear, as a bellman, I have no qualms about serving, well, anyone. However, there is a small percentage of parents whose children play the great Canadian sport of hockey that make my skin crawl from my skeletal frame and slink into the shadows.

Yes, as one would imagine, its quite a sight.

This ranty list is directed at these individuals. Their behavior is reprehensible. Their minds are a maelstrom of obnoxious put-downs and incoherent declarations. In short, they make my life a living damnation, though thankfully, only temporarily. 

This is for you… you poor – yet rich – deluded bastards.

FUN FACT:  As I was writing this post, a trio of hockey dads approached:

#1:  Can we have one of those wheelie-thingies for our bags?

ME:  Well, sir, we don’t give the wheelie-thingies out, but I’ll be happy (not really) to help you. We’re a full-service property.

#2:  AW, FORGET IT!  (He was so loud, my fillings shook.) WE DON’T NEED ANY HELP1 WE GOT IT!

#3:  YEAH, WE’RE GOOD!

ME:  YEAH, WE DON’T NEED NO STINKING BADGES!

Silence and perplexed looks abounded from all three.

ME:  Sorry, I got caught up in the moment.

Isn’t serving the public just delightful at times? And now, on with the show…

31)  Shave Rob Ford’s back.  Yes, he has cancer. But cancer patients don’t want special treatment (well, yes, they want special treatment from the medical profession, but not others), so I’m going to rag on Ford as I would anyone else that has behaved like a drunken, drugged-out buffoon for the last four years.

30)  Walk into a packed comic con full of nerds and announce “I FULLY SUPPORT BATFLECK!”

29)  Live with ten of those nerds in anyone of their mom’s basements for one calendar year.

 28)  Sit in a room with any Kardashian for sixty minutes – and not strangle them for the good of humanity and future generations.

27)  Mind-meld with David Lynch for a full minute.

26)  Tell my wife about my love life, pre-marriage.  Such as it was.

25)  Volunteer as a wrangler for William Shatner’s hairpiece.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the Shat as much any geek, but his hair is almost as great a tragedy as Donald Trump’s “natural disaster.

24)  Allow Wolverine to give me a prostate examination – with his bone claws.  I’ll say it for you… NERD!!!

23)  Eat haggis.  Admittedly, I don’t actually know exactly what that is, but it sounds icky.

22)  Drink a flask of anything that was brewed by rednecks.

21)  Make a buddy movie with Kevin “Mr. Wonderful” O’Leary.

20)  Live with the cast of Jersey Shore for six months.

19)  Give up bacon.  Many of you are screaming “NOOO!!!” at the top of your lungs right now. It’s okay… let it out.

18)  Allow myself to be stuffed and added to The Bloggess’ menagerie.

17)  Walk around Harlem with a “Honkys rule!” t-shirt.

16)  Give out my home address to everyone on Twitter.  Even those individuals who have people buried in their basements.

15)  Walk up to Vincent Pastore (“Big Pussy” of The Sopranos), and call him an actual pussy.

14)  Sit quietly and write this damn post.  Seriously, lists are hard, y’all.

13)  Give up my cart to a hockey family.  If you really know me, you’ll realize the impact of that statement.

12)  Dress up as Wonder Woman – period.  And yes, I realize that image has ruined all of you for life.

11)  Shoot myself in the foot with a wooden bullet.

10)  Undertake another post like this one.  Seriously, lists are hard, y’all.

9)  Work an entire shift in in my Superman boxer shorts.  We‘re already down the rabbit hole, anyway…

8)  Tell my wife I just started following Bree Olson on Twitter.

7)  Star a career as an adult film “actor”.  Let’s face it, most people assume “The Hook” is a reference to my junk anyway.

6)  Serve teachers.  Seriously, teachers are horrible guests. They make bad hockey parents look human.

5)  Walk up to a pack of hockey parents and announce, “Field hockey is the only real hockey worth following!”

4)  Take out several mortgages on my house to bankroll a series of action movies featuring myself and Ned Hickson.

3)  Borrow money from a guy named “Lenny the Loan Shark” to bankroll a series of action movies featuring myself and Ned Hickson.

2)  Live in a van down by the river.  I miss Farley…

1)  Hand my laptop over to my wife… without deleting the browser history.

All right, I’m knackered.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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20 Responses to 31 Things I’d Rather Do Than Serve A Hockey Family.

  1. Kanerva says:

    #23: true it does sound icky… It tastes really good though 🙂

  2. Nicole Marie says:

    I’ve never had haggis, but I watched a show on how it’s made and it looked pretty icky.

  3. TJLubrano says:

    *waves* I was always picturing you as a Pirate when I read your name, Hook. Haha! Also, Wonder Woman? I almost never eat bacon to begin with. I think this will make a lot of people scream as well? Hehe. 🙂

    Have a nice Sunday!

  4. Paul says:

    Ahhh, the hockey family. A truly disgusting social structure. I used to volunteer for my step-son’s hockey team , especially during tornaments as I have no hockey skills. One tournament I was running the time clock and, as is common, there was a mercy rule. Our team got ahead by 6 points, which engaged the mercy rule so the clock ran full time – not stop time. The parents of the other team became verbally abusive (even though everyone was given a program and set of rules when they entered and the rules were prominently displayed at multiple locations through-out the arena) and started screaming obsenities at me. I sounded the endplay horn and called the ref over (he was just a young kid about 20) and told him about the abuse. He warned the team parents that it would not be tolerated and if they continued they would forfit the game. The play was only going a minute or so when they started again and the ref called the game a forfeit and threw out the parents – we even had to call the cops. Bunch of assholes. By the way, the team members? -They were just as violent and abusive on the ice as their parents were off. Good role models those parents were.

    I feel your pain Hook. May the force be with you.

  5. orples says:

    First off, Hook, who is Bree Olson? Next. What’s wrong with ‘anything brewed by rednecks’? Evidently you never watched ‘The Beverly Hillbillies’. Granny used to brew some pretty wicked stuff from what I remember. I might make you forget about those obnoxious little hockey players and their parents. Of course, you might end up job hunting, but what’s a minor technicality when you’re over there, somewhere. 🙂 I hope your day got better, quickly. Olivia and Oscar told me to tell you to come visit. I think our links are messed up. We miss you, Hook. 🙂

  6. I applaud your #31. Having cancer does not make you become an automatic saint. (I speak from experience).
    #7 – Really? People think that? I always think pirate when I see you “pop up” on screen and then of course I remember your last name.
    #21 – That would be a great movie. You could be the good guy and he could be the curmudgeon. It should be called, “By Hook Or By Crook” .

  7. Haggis and hockey parents make my skin crawl. Ick 👿

  8. Kayjai says:

    Uhh…hellooo? I used to be a unwilling participant in the hockey-mom-club but hated it…yeah, so I know of what you speak, however, there are really decent peeps who are hockey parents who know and act much better…I’m sorry you have not encountered us nice hockey parents who possess logic and a sense of humour…maybe someday….

    • The Hook says:

      Actually, I served a dozen hockey families to day who were AWESOME!
      Go figure, right?
      But I stand by my feelings where the idiots are concerned.

  9. Yep. I hate treating teachers too… They expect me to change my schedule to suit them. ‘Can’t you do my surgery on Friday after 4pm? I am a teacher you know.’ Ah hum.

  10. Silently crying at the possible severe desecration of Wonder Woman, in front of client who thought I was looking up data for latest campaign results.

  11. This is a great list. You did good 🙂

  12. 1jaded1 says:

    As much as I love hockey, what a bunch of douchecanoes.

  13. Canadian hockey families are all obnoxious? What would the American equivalent be? Football? Well, quite a funny list. I need to check in on Ned Hickson more often too.

  14. Paul says:

    Oh, as an aside Hook , I recently wrote a couple of guest posts and I’d be delighted if you can find the time to drop by for a read: one is at Cordelia’s Mom http://cordeliasmomstill.com/2014/11/06/serendipity-guest-post-by-paul-curran/ and the other at Mindful Digressions http://mindfuldigressions.com/2014/11/06/of-breasts-and-bananas/?c=20767 Thanks so much Hook.

  15. curvyroads says:

    Haha, I know lists are hard, but this one was funny! Especially since my sister is a recovering hockey mom. Only because my nephew grew up. But to prove your point, her ex-husband got thrown out of one too many hockey games for his stellar behavior. 😉

  16. susielindau says:

    I was never into hockey since it coincided with ski season. Good thing!
    Hey, Chris Farley went to my high school!

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