The hotel is deader than my writing career, but it’s never boring.
Meet Anthony. He’s one of our senior managers. Anthony is a great guy and as you’ve probably surmisd by now, he’s Italian. How Italian is he, you ask? He’s so Italian, he makes The Sopranos look like Frenchmen.
A: (Everyone calls him “A”. Shut up.) Hey, Hook, what’s up?
Thrilling so far, right.?
ME: Just having lunch.
Can you handle the pace?
A: What’s up with lunch? You got a burger there? Where’s that burger from? That looks like a great burger there. Where’s it from?
ME: Which “Q” would you like me to provide an “A” for first, Anthony?
ME: Never mind. I’m having a double burger from the King.
A: The King?
ME: Yeah, to us mangiacakes, that’s short for Burger King.
A: You people are so weird!
ME: You don’t know the half of it, buddy.
A: So what are you having again?
ME: A double burger.
IF you’re sensitive to cursing… STOP. READING. NOW.
A: A DOUBLE BURGER? SERIOUSLY?
My apologies for the bold and all-caps. Nothing else would do his reaction justice.
ME: Seriously. I wouldn’t lie to you. A double burger.
A: FUCK OFF! You’re lyin’, Hook! What are you eating?
ME: (Laughing mildly.) A double burger.
A: FUCK OFF!!
ME: I’m serious. It’s a double burger.
A: FUCK OFF!!!
ME: (Laughing hysterically now.) If I choke to death in this backroom…
A: Stop jerking me off! You’re not eating a burger with two freakin’ patties! That’d be crazy! What are you eating?
ME: Seriously? (Exhaling.) It’s a double bur-
A: FUCK OFF!!!!
ME: Fine. Have it your way. It’s a plain old, one-patty burger.
A: Was that so hard, Hook?
ME: Actually… yeah… it was. I’m knackered!
A: You’ll be fine. Hey, why don’t you put this in your blog!
ME: You think anyone will believe it?
A: Sure! Just don’t make me look like a douchebag!
ME: I promise I won’t deliberately make you look like a douchebag, Anthony.
See you in the lobby, kids. I’ll be the one eating the double burger. Seriously.