In the beginning, when the world was young and free of the scourge of Kris Jenner’s progeny, a traveler was pretty much on his/her own when it came to answering questions such as:
- “Where can I find the best trees to make fire?
- “Where can I find the best trees from which to fashion a club with which to render my mate unconscious?” (At this moment, the feminists are hissing like Madagascar cockroaches. Listen closely, you’ll hear them.)
- “When is someone going to invent the car or even a wagon? Half my family usually dies halfway through the trip and it’s a bitch trying to repopulate the bloodline when your mate is unconscious half the time”
The modern traveler has many resources available when traversing the world. But personally, professional bias aside, you can’t beat the concierge or the bellman when you’re seeking out those little nuggets of info guaranteed to elevate your trip from the same old, same old to “You did what?”
I know of two young ladies who recently decided to side-step Google, TripAdvisor and even Arthur Frommer’s various tomes in favor of the sage wisdom of their usually-friendly-neighborhood “bellguy”.
“What exactly is reverse cowgirl, Mr. Bellguy?”
Now that I’ve got you snickering/blushing, let’s back this up a bit shall we?
Girl #1 was a petite, elf-like lass with blonde hair, librarian specs and a cute, high-pitched voice that was fun for your ears at first but after a few minutes had you stuffing luggage tags in your ears in the elevator. Come to think of it, all I really needed to do to properly describe this young lady to my readers was post the following pic…
As for Girl #2, she was basically a towering version of Alyson Hannigan.
I know what you’re thinking. Sure, I could spend more time actually using words to describe these people, but I need to be vague to respect guest confidentially. Plus, I’m not a great writer. Although, I do know my audience; you don’t want to be dazzled by wordplay, you want me to get to the good stuff.
And here it is.
It took me fifteen minutes to load my luggage cart with the Dazzling Duo’s belongings: Two minutes to clear out the trunk and thirteen minutes to stand around the valet deck and ponder important thoughts and images that, if revealed here, would get me kicked off WordPress – and beaten by my wife – while the girls cleaned out water bottles, coffee cups, fast food wrappers, magazines and various odds and ends out of their Prius. Finally, Girl #1 handed me a bag and the ball began to roll.
ME: Uh, miss?
GIRL #1: Yes, Mr. Bellguy?
ME: You may want to take this bag back to the car and… adjust it?
GIRL #1: (Giggling.) Whatever are you talking about, Mr. Bellguy? What’s wrong with my bag? It’s a Coach bag!
ME: It’s a Coach bag that’s buzzing.
As expected, the ladies gasped, dropped their jaws and looked at each other with matching “What did he just say to us?” expressions.
GIRL #2: It must be her electric toothbrush, right, Mr. Bellguy?
ME: You mean the toothbrush that’s sticking out of that other bag?
Silence momentarily reigned once more.
GIRL #1: Uh, well, what can I say, Mr. Bellguy?
GIRL #2: Don’t say anything! Aren’t you supposed to be discreet, Mr. Bellguy?
ME: Where’s the fun in that?
GIRLS #1 and #2: (Simultaneously.) You’re hilarious!
ME: And this bag is still buzzing.
Stereo laughter erupted again.
ME: You’re cute when you laugh simultaneously, girls.
GIRL #1: We do all kinds of things simultaneously!
GIRL #2: No we don’t, Jennifer!
GIRL: #1: Sure we do, Chrissy! Don’t you remember that time we went out with Jamie and Chris? And we got soooo drunk? And we wound up in the same room at Jamie’s house, where we all started doing it… but not together… and we both… you know?… at the same time?
It was my turn to be silent. Though not for long. We’re talking about me, after all.
GIRL #2: JENNIFER!
ME: Not to worry, girls. I don’t judge.
GIRL: #2: Thank God!
ME: I blog, but I don’t judge.
BOTH GIRLS: (Simultaneously, of course.) You’re hilarious!
All this before we even got in the building. There’s more, but I like to keep my audience wanting more. On that note…
TO BE CONTINUED…