The Hook Finally Returns.

I’m back in uniform… but up until now, I haven’t really felt like I’ve truly returned to the typical, run-of-the-mill, everyday, atypical, out-of-the-ordinary life that I live between the hotel’s walls.

Did that sentence make you dizzy? Good. That’s merely a fraction of what it feels like to be a 21st century bellman in a thousand-room hotel in Niagara Falls. In my world, the atypical is typical. Out-of-the-ordinary is run-of-the-mill. Up is down. At any rate, let’s get back to today’s business. Namely, sex behind thin Pressboard doors.

Can you believe I had difficulty starting this post? Makes sense, I suppose. After all, it can sometimes be difficult – or in this case “hard” – to begin coitus. Everyone has their own specific ritual/starting point.

Some people lock eyes with their partner, each tuning into the other’s primal urges (which many of us don’t indulge in often enough, sadly). And then they tear each other apart like two rabid wildebeests, as it should be. Clothing is shredded. “Loved bites” and light bruising are inflicted.

Others are far more regimented. Candles are lit. Music fills the space. Lingerie and fancy underwear are donned. Silk bonds are are prepared. Various devices, some mechanical in nature, are inspected and powered up.

Yes, I’ve led an interesting life, kids. What of it?

Some begin with light kissing on the neck and other erogenous zones, while fingertips conduct a feather-light inspection of every inch of their partner/prey’s quivering form. After moments that feel like separate eternities, the kissing finally becomes deep kissing. The two forms slowly become one, each desperate to fill a single space in the universe. Breath is exchanged. Waves of sexual electricity flow like summer rain. A collective mountain is scaled until…

This is getting pretty hot. Excuse me, won’t you?

Okay, I’m back.

You’re probably wondering what precipitated this naughty post. Not that I blame you, this sort of thing isn’t exactly in my wheelhouse. Or is it? I mean, as a bellman I’ve overheard more lovers engaging in illicit lovemaking than a prison guard. In fact, this exchange filled my consciousness through one of the hotel’s aforementioned Pressboard doors yesterday afternoon…

BABE:  (In a young, throaty, frustrated tone.)  This… isn’t working for… ow!… me, Peter! We’re going to have to switch it up. AGAIN!

There was silence, save for a few gasps, for a few long moments.

BABE:  PETER! I’m speaking to… you! Stop… Get out of me, will you?

PETER:  (In a ragged, weasly voice.)  Seriously, babe? I’m almost there!

BABE:  Already?

That’s what I thought.

PETER:  (After “disembarking” the carnal carousel.)  Well, yeah! You know how hot I get when we play “Peter and Gwen”!

“Peter and Gwen”? But he didn’t call her “Gwen”.

BABE:  But you weren’t even playing it right! You weren’t calling me “Gwen”!

Told you.

Another moment passed. “Peter” was no doubt weighing his options. Finally, he realized playing along with a demanding, imaginative lover was better than playing alone.

“PETER”:  Okay, so what are we playing now, Babe?

BABE:  Let’s play “Naughty College Librarian snaps and interrogates and tortures the chronically-late Science Nerd Grad Student!”

You have to hand it to Babe, she wasn’t exactly original, but she was thorough. 

BABE:  Or wait! Let’s play “Zombie Stripper eats the Dirty Cop”!

I blog corrected. She was quite imaginative.

Yes, being a bellman does make one take on the role of Peeping Tom temporarily  (is it peeping if you’re listening?), but it’s all in good fun – from my side at least – so it’s all good.

See you in the lobby – and behind closed doors – kids…


About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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49 Responses to The Hook Finally Returns.

  1. I liked that departure you took…although the emptiness of my bed seems bigger now :/

  2. katecrimmins says:

    There should be a cautionary note on the post. Reading early in the morning while drinking coffee will be hazardous to your health. I have now snorted coffee. It’s not pretty.

  3. girlseule says:

    How on earth do you play, “zombie stripper eats the dirty cop?” Wait. Maybe I don’t want an answer to that!

  4. What colourful lives people live behind closed doors! Never cease to amaze 🙂

  5. I learned long ago not to go Google stuff that you say that I don’t understand. I don’t know who Peter and Gwen are, but I am positive that I don’t want to find out! LOL!

  6. List of X says:

    You know, if you keep listening at the door long enough, they may eventually play a game called Zombie Stripper Punishes a Bellman For Eavesdropping. 🙂

  7. There is a name for people like you. 🙂

  8. 1jaded1 says:

    Yep, yep! You are truly back. Laughed til my side cramped.

  9. Samara says:

    How about, “Naughty Librarian Punishes the Zombie Stripper For Not Understanding the Dewey Decimal System?”

    Just keep it between the girls, yaknow?

  10. Hey – did you get some actual guests to pose for the pic? And, who hides their face like that – is he miming a table?

    Classic Hook – gotta love it. And, I do.

  11. Becky says:

    “Peter and Gwen”?

  12. Paul says:

    Do you bring your work home Hook? ha! The ideas I mean.

  13. Kevin says:

    Oh, this was a good one for me to read and I really enjoyed it. Now, every bellman I see, I think of them eavesdropping.

  14. All these goings on can get old pretty fast, can’t they? Like a bad movie script of a cheap porno?

  15. likeitiz says:

    You. Are. Too. Funny! Welcome back! I still love your sense of humour. No matter what. I’ve been away too. Sorry!

  16. bethteliho says:

    Welcome Back! And wow…me likey your naughty post. mmmmmmm

  17. You’re writing skills are always something to look forward to, but I have to say your peeping Tom and writing skills together make a nice pair.

  18. shimoniac says:

    You must have some superhuman control over your laughing. I’d have heard that and been guffawing and giggling the rest of the day.

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