Random Thoughts From A Weary Bellman.

It’s early morning here in God’s favorite reservoir, Niagara Falls, and the hotel lobby is as desolate as Kris Jenner’s soul.

Bu that’s going to change soon. In an instant, the lobby will be filled with travelers, bus passengers, overweight bus drivers, wound-tighter-than-a-virgin-who-has-just-been-told-she’s-the-guest-of-honor-at-a-prison-rodeo-tour-guides, would-be lotharios, hungover bachelorettes, over-caffeinated Japanese tour guides, tornadic rugrats, frustrated housewives, disillusioned dads, sinners that would make Stephen King wet his bed, the occasional saint, corporate drones, bewildered foreigners, every variety of mammal under the sun, and of course, hookers.

Speaking of, a couple just passed my desk. She was a hooker, dressed to the tens with an outfit that wasn’t painted on… it was permanently fused to her milky flesh (though I’m sure it could be removed in a nanosecond). He definitely wasn’t a hooker, not with a gut that could only come from decades of consuming backyard barbecue, Saturday night hockey game beers, and far too many cigarettes. She looked young enough to be his daughter’s babysitter – which was probably the point. He was old enough to be her parole officer. They were the stereotypical modern-day “How the Hell did he ever land her?” couple.

The answer, of course, lies in the power of cold, hard cash. Many of the mismatched couples I encounter are living a dream. The girls are Sasha Grey in The Girlfriend Experience and the guys simply don’t have enough blood in their brains to land a non-professional companion, and so they hire one. it’s a win/win situation, I suppose.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, inquisitive readers, and yes, I’m happy to help. Here now, are a few ways to spot a prostitute/escort who is being paid to deliver the “Girlfriend Experience”.

1)  She’s wearing a change-maker on her belt.

2)  Her name is Candy. (Simultaneously the worst and most popular hooker name of all.)

3)  All her outfits are Velcro.

4)  She’s adept at negotiating her way through a crowded hotel lobby with a mattress strapped to her back.

5)  Makes knee pads work with any outfit.

6)  Smells of deception, regret, satisfaction, and hard-earned wealth.  (Which, I imagine is how Kim Kardashian smells.)

7)  Calls her “boyfriend” names like “Honey”, “Pookie”, “Sweetums”… anything other than his actual name which she’s incapable of remembering anyway. Not that he cares.

8)  She’s willing to overlook any transgression her temporary partner is capable of.  (Money is a great relationship tool, kids.)

9)  Spider-Man envies her pliability.

10)  Her eyes are as empty as my pockets currently are, her stare is as vacant as Rob Ford’s consciousness (I realize he’ sill but I’m not letting him off the hook, so to speak), and she really doesn’t care where she is, what’s she’s doing (as long as she’s being paid to do it) or who she’s doing it with.

Of course, you realize this all about fun, not the devaluation of young ladies who have chosen to sell their affections to the highest bidder, right? After hookers are people too.

Well, my day is about to truly begin. See you in the lobby, kids…


Check out this post from Brother Jon. He’s a good man in every way that counts, and I intend to honor him further soon. Thanks, Jon.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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17 Responses to Random Thoughts From A Weary Bellman.

  1. It’s a hazardous job, but somebody’s got to do it, and you do it so WELL> 🙂

  2. The Guat says:

    Her outfits are all Velcro … That one cracked me up. I imagine it’s actually true. Hope your morning didn’t involve a traffic jam of people that added to your weariness.

  3. Pyx says:

    Blood in their brains or more than we give them credit for; they skip all the nonsense for a guaranteed thing and pay to not have to call her back or pretend to care what her favourite movie is. What I know of hobbyist is they have a pretty good handle on the difference between business and other types of relationships and he is willing to pay for a woman who does not come with knee pads. I can certainly attests that hookers who host a blog aren’t complaining about men not understanding them or suffering a broken heart *cha ching*

    Sorry in advance if this comment came off to jaded, logical or in defense of the oldest female profession in the world for you or your readers but I find he human interaction so fascinating, probably the only way I could ever attempt to do a job like yours so I am ever so happy you write about it.

  4. I do love your very particular way with observation, Robert. I’m thrilled that you also have the ability to put them to paper, in an extraordinary fashion, no less.

    P.S. Thanks for the tweet this morning… You are a good, good man.

  5. True story: I knew a girl whose legal name was Candy. She was born with it. She also did a stint as a stripper. I always wondered if her parents were thinking about the careers they pretty much guaranteed her by choosing that name. :-X

  6. As I started reading this I thought ‘how does one spot a hooker so easily…’ and low and behold you supply a guide! Love you work 🙂

  7. Paul says:

    Hook your reports and tips from the front line enlighten me regularly – and are very funny, Thank You

  8. Thank you for not leaving me the only one to not let Rob Ford “off the hook”. Cancer is an illness not a get out of jail free card. It’s amazing how many people will make him a saint now and forget about all the crap. The Fords will use this to their advantage and manipulate the people like they always have. Damn, I sound harsh but hey, nobody made me a saint when I had my turn at cancer.
    Now, what were we talking about?

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