What I Did After My Summer Vacation, By The Hook.

After several failed attempts to begin this post I have decided to simply hit the ground running.

Actually “running” isn’t accurate at all; my leg still isn’t Olympic material. The good thing is… it never was. And now, my friends, onto my first virtual report from the “field”, so to speak. The bad news? Every guest I served was decent, kind, somewhat generous… and completely unworthy for one of my usual rants.

THE END?

Not quite.

I every guest I served was generic. However, let’s take a look at some of the guests/individuals I observed throughout the day, shall we? Here are some of the best snippets of information I absorbed during my return to duty.

“What fresh hell is this?”

(Actually, that one was me, reacting to the hotel’s latest security measure, a key-swipe system that refused to acknowledge me as I slid my card between it’s cold, unfeeling folds. Incidentally, I had a girlfriend like that once.)

“Yeah, I let him do it. But I charged him extra. After all, someone had to pay for my ointment!”

(Yeah, I have to admit, I missed the hookers and their wonderful ways while conversing on cell phones in elevators.)

“I still don’t think its fair for them to charge us for two beds when we’re only going to play ‘nurse and escaped convict’ in one!”

(For the record, she wasn’t a hooker, she merely played one in real life.)

“WHAT! You’re pregnant? How is that possible? Yeah… but… no one gets pregnant from the kind of sex we have!”

(Apparently, he was quite incorrect – and hookers aren’t the only ones who need to lower their voices while engaging in elevated cell phone conversations.)

“I love this city! I love the awesome majesty of nature in water form! I love the wonderfully warm people! I love the casino! I love the view from our room! I even love the drug-addled hooker who grabbed your crotch while hugging you at the casino, honey!”

(As Robert Plant would say, that’s a whole lotta love.)

“Let’s never go back home, sweetie!  The Hell with the kids! The little tyrants can fend for themselves, right? I mean, it’s bad enough they destroyed my vagina, do they have to destroy what’s left of my life too? This was some of the best uninterrupted sex we’ve had in ten years! Why should we spoil everything by going back to that war zone we don’t even own yet?”

(There’s nothing like a mother’s love, is there? His response was even better, especially since he knew I was walking right behind them)

“Well, dear, they’ll track us down eventually. Besides, as far as the interrupted sex goes, I kind of like the thrill of knowing the kids could walk in at any moment! What else do we have going for us at home?”

(I honestly don’t know what to say about this. Neither did she, to be honest. She picked a real winner, right?)

And that’s all I have for now, kids. I realize these mere snippets are frustrating to absorb without context, but I am a mere fly on the wall. And the fly must keep moving lest he be swatted.

See you in the lobby, folks. So be careful what you say, I’m always listening…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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18 Responses to What I Did After My Summer Vacation, By The Hook.

  1. You have finally convinced me to remain wordless in an elevator…no matter what hotel I am in.
    Welcome back, My Friend, welcome back.

  2. Ointment is a wonderful word

  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I am guessing the pregnancy was a surprise because it wasn’t uninterrupted sex.
    Welcome back!

  4. Michael says:

    Welcome back! The more things change, the more they stay the same.

  5. Paul says:

    I can’t believe you heard that in one shift and I have never heard a peep of that in my life (at least not in elevators). Many service people have told me that their uniforms make them invisible, and I never really believed it because if anything I notice and engage them because they are so kind as to provide me with my wants. I guess I’m not normal- Ha! – not that that should come as a surprise.

    Welcome back Hook!

  6. Kevin says:

    I really enjoyed hearing that you had fun on your first day back at work. I wish we had more hookers in my life but as a school photographer, it doesn’t quite pan out that way. Hmm, that does spun fairly bad, doesn’t it? Or does it? Great story about the married couple and uninterrupted sex. If you have kids, who doesn’t think that?

  7. crankygiraffe says:

    It sounds like you had a great welcome back to work! (Well, entertaining, at least)

  8. Welcome back. You’re sounding more like your old self. ~(*_~)~~

  9. Tell the truth now, you missed it didn’t you?!
    Welcome back, Robert!!!!

  10. robincoyle says:

    Classic Hook post. Classic. You had me chuckling the for the whole ride.

  11. Britt says:

    Awesome to have you back. xoxo

  12. shimoniac says:

    Confucius say, “Closed mouth gathers no foot.” Lincoln said “Be silent and people will wonder if you’re an idiot, or speak and remove all doubt.” I tend to go with silent.

  13. curvyroads says:

    Welcome back, Hook, and a worthy return it was! I think there was plenty of context for all those snippets, personally. I howled out loud, thank you for that! 😀

  14. jlheuer says:

    Ah, He’s baaaack!

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