I’ve spent this summer feeling like a total dumbass and so that’s the subject for today, kiddies.
According to Dr. Phil perception is reality.
(Don’t judge me.)
In other words, if you believe you’re a total dumbass, then that’s who the world will see every day. However, if you accept the fact that your life will be a series of average days punctuated by moments of complete dumbassery on an epic scale.. well, then kid… you’ve got a shot at making it out alive. (Then again, no one actually makes it out of life alive, do they?)
Bruce Wayne’s father told him that the only reason we fall is so we can learn to pick ourselves up. He was a wise man.
Of course, a truly wise man would have known enough to hail a cab from the front of a theater located in one of the world’s most violent cities instead of taking his family down a back alley, especially since his wife’s pearls were on full display. But this decision perfectly illustrates my point; Everyone, even filthy-rich Gothamite doctors carry the dumbass gene.
Come to think of it, many of your most popular super heroes were raised by dumbasses.
Thomas Wayne was a medical professional who was certain human flesh – if it contained enough blue blood – was strong enough to withstand the force of a street thug’s firearm.
Uncle Ben apparently studied the same medical journals.
Jor-El had the foresight to predict and plan for Krypton’s destruction by building a rocket – that was only big enough for his infant son. Not that his wife, Lara, was any better; what kind of mother lets her husband shove their offspring into an unmanned rocket bound for an alien planet they’ve barely studied?
Speaking of comic book matriarchs, Queen Hippolyta raised her daughter on an island of lesbian Amazons (or if you prefer, Amazonian lesbians), before sending her off to “Man’s World” without arming her with the most basic understanding of male/female relationships. (By the way, you know I’m right about the Amazons, right? An island of healthy, gorgeous female warriors, living their daily lives without a penis in sight? You do the sapphic math.)
Wolverine’s “dad” failed to notice his son’s uncanny resemblance to their drunken groundskeeper.
Thor’s literal Godfather, Odin, had to rip out one of his eyes for wisdom. He was then struck by the revelation that two eyes are better than one.
Now that I’ve really had time to think about it, I feel much better about my current situation.
After all, if a blue-blooded socialite, an alien scientist and an Asgardian god are capable of such acts of dumbassery, what chance did a mere mortal like myself possibly have?
Take it from me, the longer you live, the more you’re going to screw up.
So frackin’ what?
Failure challenges us. It tests us. I was a stubborn fool who was so hell-bent on impressing my wife for once that I ignored her wishes (irony sucks), common sense, my body’s limitations and the laws of gravity. I’ll be paying for my mistake for the rest of my life.
Again, so frackin’ what?
There’s a silver (okay, plastic), lining to this whole ghastly affair; my wife now knows exactly how much of time she can spend with me before reaching her threshold. We recently discussed the subject:
JACKIE: How much of you can I take? Not much, Butthead. If I have to spend another summer with you…
ME: You’ll break my other leg?
JACKIE: Yeah, right. Think higher, Butt Boy. Never forget, you’re worth more to me dead than alive. Way more.
Love is indeed grand, kiddies. “Grand” in terms of scale, that is. When you’re in love, you think big, you act big, and yes, you crash big. In my case, real big. Like, Kim Kardashian’s ass big.
So endeth the lesson, kids.
My body has healed well and my leg can now tolerate 25% of my weight – apparently. The truth is, I am reluctant to put my left leg down after six weeks of immobility. But I’ve been taking baby steps and according to my doctor, I can dispense with the crutches within 6 – 10 days.
However, it should be another month before The Hook is wandering the hotel’s halls once more. The Summer of 2014 will be Hookless, but one fact is immutable: There’s always another summer.
See you in the lobby, kids – in thirty days, give or take.