What do you get when you mix a crimson-locked whore clad in full Catholic schoolgirl regalia, an Orthodox Jew who turned a corner during filming of Fiddler on the Roof and found himself in modern-day Niagara Falls, and a fearless veteran bellman?
Read on and you’ll find out.
OJ: (Approaching my desk, wearing a full smile and an outfit as black as the ace of spades.) Hello, my young friend! I require your services to transport my bags to my room! What are you doing anyway?
THE HOOK: Oh, just pondering my next blog post… (to which I added, under my breath), which I’m sure you’re about to figure into.
It was at that precise moment that the strumpet in question, lost to the outside world, stumbled through the lobby from our guest rooms, definitely worse for the wear. She was of medium height and build with flaming red hair and eyes so sunken they were practically black holes. Her appearance caught our attention and while I am more than accustomed to the sight of a tipsy call girl, my new friend was not.
OJ: LOOK AT THAT GIRL, MY YOUNG FRIEND! (His voice was sonic booming but the harlot remained oblivious; her focus was directed at manipulating her phone, no doubt in search of a ride – or some penicillin.) SEE HOW SHE IS DRESSED! THAT IS AN AFFRONT TO YOUR GOD! YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE HER NIPPLES!
His tone reminded me of the network censor in Scrooged, so I followed suit…
THE HOOK: Sir, I have a feeling her client, a man named “John”, very much wanted to see her nipples.
OJ: (Enraged by my dry wit.) BUT SHE IS WEARING A CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL UNIFORM!
His voice remained high and was racing, so again, I followed his lead.
THE HOOK: Well, I’m sure Jesus would have wanted to see her nipples!
OJ: YOUNG MAN, THE SON OF GOD WOULD NOT HAVE WANTED TO SEE HER NIPPLES!
What the heck did this guy know about the Son of God?
THE HOOK: The Son of God hooked up with a young lady in the same profession as our friend over there, sir, so I don’t think Jesus had very high standards. Come to think of it, no one could afford to be picky back then, could they? As long as she was free of leprosy, any female was able to have her pick of suitors, I imagine.
My Orthodox guest pondered my logic as his body began to calm; the veins in his neck subsided within a moment or two and his eyes returned to their normal size soon after. The prostitute made her way outside through our revolving door (she actually answered the automated voice that cautions, “PLEASE KEEP MOVING FORWARD. DO NOT TOUCH THE GLASS.”, with a polite and agreeable, “Okay.”), and took up a position against a wall until her ride arrived.
As for my new Jewish friend, I enlisted another bellman to assist him while I attended to other tasks.
Like this one, for instance.
See you in the lobby, kids…
You've Been Hooked! 
Who knew those hotel bibles would come in handy at some point?
I always thought they were there so people could pray for the safe return of their car from the valet department.
Thanks, Sheena 😛 I can still hear Jon Voight’s character in M:I saying, “Those damn Gideons.”
I often wonder why the sight of a nipple turns rational humans into holy roller types. Man alive, God made the nipple why would his kid criticize.
You may find this hard to believe but this conversation is very close to one I had a few years ago with a an Orthodox Jewish Cantor. The only difference was he referred to Jesus as “Rabbi Jesus” and not “The Son of God”.
I believe you, Michelle.
Nothing really surprises me anymore.
The conversation was one of many…shall we say…enlightening conversation I had while working at CTS in Burlington.
As always…thanks so much for the laugh!
As always… you’re welcome.
Hahaha I cant believe the things you get away with saying! I have also never understood why female nipples are so much more sinful than the male nips!
Perhaps it’s because they’re attached to breasts?
Well that’s why they’re more interesting, at least to me. Not sinful in and of themselves, though.
I concur.
In the case of director Joel Schumacher’s Batman & Robin: Yes, it is a bit odd that Batman and Robin have suits with nipples, but Alicia Silverstone’s Barbara Gordon/Batgirl does not.
Yet it was a sin that nipples were on any suits in the first place.
Why Hook – underneath it all, and even see-through, you’re really a 21st century apostle. Bless you.
And you as well… my child.
The poor girl is clueless…I mean, lost. Cut her a break. The OJ should learn to keep his voice down. Even I can hear him.
He doesn’t get out much? She obviously does and is even nice to automatic revolving doors.
Sure this isn’t the start of a super hero movie?
Great laughs as always! Thanks
You have the best come back and answers ever!
That was brilliant, although I’m sure the wife would not always appreciate the quick come backs. And who answers a revolving door anyway?
A drunk person, obviously.
Ha! YOUR God wouldn’t approve. Now he’s speaking for other people’s gods? Nice.
I was always of the opinion that this was the god of Abraham being referenced: although the Abrahamic religions may disagree (including mine) over the nature of this deity, I personally thought there wasn’t a difference. If Trey Parker and Matt Stone were right and this deity really looked like a cat with bad human teeth claiming to be Buddhist, I’d probably chuckle, and enjoy the divine sense of humor.
Mr Hook…you never disappoint! I’m staying in a hotel myself this evening and found myself “mothering” all the young sales reps who had their own sets of nipples on display. Finally seeing that I was outnumbered, came upstairs and found your witty post waiting for me. I could see the scene, hear his voice and imagine your wry humor all the while. What I wouldn’t give to be a mouse in the corner. Maybe our paths will cross in a lobby some day 🙂
Is there any chance that the people you write about might be reading you, Hook? I think that would be hilarious.
LOL I was just thinking the same! Glad to know I am not the only one hehe
Me, too! What if the manager saw the shizzle he writes?!
Although if someone he wrote about did read it and e-mail him or something, that would make for a great post… I’d read it for sure.
:)))
Reblogged this on Plays Well With Words and commented:
Just for fun. If you don’t read the Hook’s blog, you should.
God and nipples – an eclectic combo!
But most Abrahamic religious people would say that God elected to create nipples, right?
S’pose!
This is the second post I read this morning that is begging to be animated. At the very least, you could have included a pic of the Catholic schoolgirl outfit. For atmosphere only, you understand.
A Catholic school girl? Mmmm, me though they where only into school boys……?
Some men have breasts and I still have to see their nipples. Skin is skin.
The ladies-of-the-evening you paint so clearly make me sad. And then you make me giggle. Another fun story from the lobby!
Well you knocked it out of the Ball Park again Hook! I was a little nervous at the Title of the post at first!…LOL. What do you mean “The Son Of God wouldn’t know about Nipples”? His dad made them right?….Anywho, have you seen another BellHop Blog lately? I did….you may want to take a peek! Not as funny as You, but there are some awesome photo’s?……LOL.
http://ibellhop.com
Great Post! You always aim to please my friend! Say hello 2 the “Fab Girls” for me! Xo
Hugs & Blessing,*Catherine* 🙂 🙂
Ha! You gotta love how a jew says “your” god to a catholic when said god is basically the same as his…