“Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!”

But read on, The Hook has something to share.

I think it’s time to peer behind the door marked “EMPLOYEES ONLY” and take a look at how things may-or-may-not work in the back of the House, don’t you?

I knew you’d agree. We get along so well.

Hotels, like any large organization, have a seemingly-endless list of protocols to be followed in the event reason or logic are deemed useless. Here then, is a small sample of just how the corporate mindset works, my friends. Bear in mind, (any HR representatives that may be reading this, but most likely aren’t; HR reps know better than to traumatize themselves that way), this is only an example of protocols currently in place in actual establishments.

What To Do In The Event You Receive A Bomb Threat.

Sample Questions to Ask:

(Assuming you just don’t drop the phone and haul ass – which is what I would do.)

1)  Where is the bomb right now?

2)  What does it look like?

3)  Why?  (My personal favorite, obviously.)

4)  What is your address?

5)  What is your name?     

 When you’re done shaking your head, we’ll continue.

All good? Great.

Another sterling example of how the corporate mind works was on full display last week when my colleagues and I gathered in the bowels of the hotel (it’s every bit as luxurious as it sounds), to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day

with tacos.

Yes, we were actually served tacos for St. Patrick’s Day. Granted, it was a wonderful gesture – one that repeated itself in every way later in the day – but it boggles the mind. But at least they weren’t green tacos…

Let’s move on to one of those “I can’t believe The Hook hasn’t been fired yet!” moments, shall we?

FEISTY GRANDMA:  (On the phone with yours truly, the poor lady.)  Yes, can we have a cart brought up to the room?

THE HOOK:  Certainly, but bear in mind, miss, the cart come with yours truly.

FG:  Oh really!

THE HOOK:  Easy there, tiger. You know full well what I mean.

FG:  (Still giggling like Jennifer Lawrence on a red carpet.)  I sure do! But I don’t think you’d want to hang around here fro twenty minutes while my daughter breastfeeds her baby.

THE HOOK:  That depends? Is she hot?

The line went dead.

Or so I thought. Turns out, Feisty Grandma dropped the phone as her body began to convulse with laughter. When she finally returned she was quite grateful, to say the least.

FG:  Oh honey, I haven’t shook like that since my husband died ten years ago!

THE HOOK:  You’re welcome, but you’re not in a smoking suite, so don’t light up.

Fortunately for me, FG decided to wait until feeding time was over before calling back, by which time I had found another guest to humor to the point of “mini-O”.

And with that slice of surreal pie, our time together has come to an end once more.

See you in the lobby, kids…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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54 Responses to “Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!”

  1. Hee hee – we tend to eat tacos on St. Patrick’s Day too – mostly b/c no one in my family likes Corned Beef and Cabbage..

  2. Jennie Saia says:

    You will surely receive bangers and mash on Cinco de Mayo – THAT’S the true luck of the Irish!

  3. I love FG’s! I like tacos too but not when they return later!

  4. Robin says:

    The “Bomb Protocol” is the same the on campuses as well. First of all, I can’t imagine being the person who calls and says they’ve hidden a bomb somewhere. Do they really stick around on the phone to see what happens next? Can you imagine them answering those questions? “Oh, I put the bomb in the janitors bathroom. Yesterday. Just because I was bored. Oh and my name is Blah Blah and I live at Blah Blah lane…..REALLY?

  5. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Aww, you made the FG’s day. Good job, dear. 🙂

  6. Eva says:

    Tacos should go with all holidays.
    Your work makes me happy, Hook.

  7. I don’t mind tacos but NOT on St. Pats.
    Now feisty grandmothers, I know a thing or two about them all right. 🙂 🙂 🙂

  8. Did you think to offer FG a St. Paddy’s Day taco or two?

  9. It does my heart good to know that, as a feisty old lady, if I ever land in your kingdom you will make me quiver with joy.

  10. The Cutter says:

    I have yet to encounter a situation where asking, “Is she hot?” isn’t either appropriate or hilarious. I have however, met some people who haven’t shared my feelings though.

  11. Tom Merriman says:

    You must make hundreds of people’s days, Mr Hook!
    I’m with you regarding the bomb threat procedure, by the way.

  12. I think that tacos on St. Patrick’s Day should be a new tradition!

    I worked at a hospital for a few years and our protocols were equally disturbing. And in order not to worry/frighten the guests/patients, we had codes. Code Blue = Tornado, Code Red = Fire, Code Magenta = Bomb. (I made those colors up, but you get the point!)

  13. So just wondering – was she hot?

  14. Cameron says:

    I want to be Feisty Gramma when I get old.

  15. Jo Bryant says:

    I am going to start working on my routine for the day I come to stay at your hotel…I want an exchange like this one

  16. 1jaded1 says:

    Hauling ass is what I’d want to do in the event of a bomb. Tacos on St. Patty’s day, interesting. Yay for FG.

  17. I don’t suppose you found out if the daughter was hot by any chance?

  18. singlegirlie says:

    Feisty grandmas are the best! I can’t wait to be one. You can get away with soooo much shit when you’re old.

    PS, I’m thinking long and hard on those answers, my friend. When did you need them by?

  19. singlegirlie says:

    PPS You ask hard questions.

    • The Hook says:

      No rush! Take your time but don’t have an aneurysm! Just go with your first response; that’s usually the most truthful and revealing.

  20. unfetteredbs says:

    Oh my tacos ? FG and mini O’s… Lotta head shaking indeed.

  21. My, you are quick witted!

  22. maurnas says:

    Never look a gift taco in the mouth.

  23. The thing we’ve learned about green tacos…how old is that meat?
    What corp didn’t instruct you that as soon as you answer the phone you’re to say “Please hold while I find a pencil so I can write your message down” and then put them on hold while you count to 10 or so before once again asking for their bomb related information?
    Someone needs retraining.
    Glad you gave granny a great vacation story to tell – bet it gets told forever. You made her entire trip!

  24. curvyroads says:

    😀 You are a funny guy, Hook!

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