I want to be funny, snarky and entertaining right now, but…

The lobby is colder than Ellen DeGeneres while envisioning Jonah Hill’s penis.

My hands resemble a Gorn’s scaly exterior. (Yeah, I’m a nerd. Get over it. I’ve had intercourse, so I get a pass. Shut up.)

The hotel, much like my writing “career”, is currently lifeless. I’ve made five Canadian dollars delivering a single case of beer to a couple of burly Sons of Anarchy wannabes guys, one of whom ran straight to the window to gaze upon the all-powerful Falls while the other looked him up and down and remarked,

“Well, we have the day free, the room is paid for and the booze is already cold… let’s get this party started! I want to do stuff that would make Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger blush!”

To which his companion replied,

“Heath’s not blushing, man. He’s dead! And the bellguy is still here, you nut!”

Yep. Of course, it goes without saying that I was eager to get the hell out of there. Not because my guests were gay, of course but because I know my place. (For the record: Gay guests are always funnier, more polite and cooler than straight travelers. And I’m willing to accept payment from anyone, while deciding if they’re blog-worthy, of course.)

And so Burly Guy #1 handed over my gratuity – while grinning and laughing boisterously – and I headed back to the walk-in cooler lobby.

And now I’m sitting here once more, kids, frozen to my seat and reflecting on my life as a writer. It seems every writer in my orbit has landed an agent or a deal these days while I continue to toil in obscurity. Oh well, it could always be worse. I could be this pathetic bastard…

I’m out of here, kids, I’m going somewhere warmer. Like Siberia.

See you in the walk-in cooler…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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64 Responses to I want to be funny, snarky and entertaining right now, but…

  1. Yeah. Could NOT get warm this morning. Damn car didn’t heat up until I was almost already to work. My bun warmer (heated seat, darling) wasn’t even doing it’s job.

  2. dererzahlernc says:

    Not every writer in your orbit has landed and agent, or deal, and you definitely aren’t toiling in obscurity. But, I do empathize with you’re being cold.

  3. Hang in there, Hook – your time will come!!!

  4. Monday morning back, my first back from Arizona, I had to shovel the driveway at nearly -30 deg C. Siberia’s sounding good at the moment, the lucky buggers.

    I am agent-less and had to go the self-published route. Let’s make a pact: the first to make it to #1 on the NY Times bestseller list has to share their agent, assuming they have one.

    I, too, know what a Gorn is; and, like you, I am not facing the imminent threat of being sacrificed to a volcano deity.

  5. Jonny Eberle says:

    We’re both toiling in obscurity. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. That’s what I always tell myself. Keep it up! Your ship is bound to come in!

  6. Stop dwelling on it my friend, and it will come.
    It’s so frigging cold and I’ve been feeling like I’m fighting the bug going around work that I just gave in and called in sick to work and now I am all snuggled up on the couch reading your wonderful words.
    P.S. I heard on the news that we might start having warmer weather mid April,,,,

  7. Paul says:

    You’ve had intercourse with a Gorn?! Wow! I am honored to know you Hook. I wouldn’t have thought anyone could survive that. Being an old Trekkie myself, I remember being fascinated in my youth that Kirk and company actually were able to make gunpowder with natural materials present. (“Arena”) As far as having an agent is concerned, from my point of view you are well on the way. I’m new to checking out blogs and your name keeps coming up (in a good way!) I already think of you as famous. (“Know anyone important?” “Oh yeah, the Hook and I have traded messages a few times, top that if you can!”)

  8. You’ll get a book deal my friend. Just plug away.

    It took me years and 114 rejections before I got my contract, and many, many months of maniacal focus to get my agent. The writing life ain’t for the impatient, that’s for sure.

  9. The frigidity has gone to your brain. Obscurity? Never. The moment is quite right yet, is all. 🙂

  10. Sorry, the moment is NOT quite right yet. 😉

  11. NotAPunkRocker says:

    You could be Andy Richter? But, I love Andy Richter!

    Ditto everyone else, hang in there. It’s just extended research time to give you more material for when you finally get out of there.

  12. JackieP says:

    Aw Hookster, you’ll get there, then you’ll have a nice warm lobby to work in, it usually happens when one least expects it. Keep at it and someday someone will come knockin at your door and say…”Hook! This is your life!”

  13. Robin says:

    You can always get a good laugh from a gay. For the most part they seem optimistic even though life isn’t incredibly easy for them. Let’s all take note, shall we, HOOK?

  14. You poor guy, always amidst a crazy sex thing! lol You will get a book deal don’t give up. It’s -46 here ugh!

  15. BroadBlogs says:

    “Gay guests are always funnier, more polite and cooler than straight travelers.”

    I wonder if that’s partly because they don’t have to constantly protect their identities as masculine, so they can be freer and have access to both masculine and feminine parts of themselves–which we all have, But a lot of us repress.

  16. Veronica says:

    Nothing’s coming this morning, but you’re talking about sex so it can’t be all bad….

  17. No worries, Hook. I’m behind you all the way with the writing. By behind you I mean no agent, no deal and very few readers on my blog. Now doesn’t that make you feel all warm and fuzzy? No. To be honest I have resigned my fact that we will never be warm again. We will be a well preserved country of ice people.

  18. The Cutter says:

    I don’t know whether to be pleased or disappointed that I don’t know what a Gorn is.

  19. Priority no 1: get a heater / blanket / a self heating suit!
    …the rest shall come – naturally! 🙂

  20. stephrogers says:

    HA! Laughed hard at Ellen. I hope you warm up soon. I knit and crochet, perhaps I should whip you up a pair of fingerless gloves and pop them in a post pack.

  21. How tight in your orbit are those lucky SOBs with agents and publishing deals? Maybe they can put in a good word.

    You’re a talented writer. Keep plugging away at it. God I suck at encouragement.

  22. Chicken says:

    I have faith in you, Hook. You are one of the good ones. Hang in there.

  23. Trent Lewin says:

    But have you had intercourse with a Gorn? I’m pretty sure Kirk has. Are you Kirk, Hook? Are you?

    Johah Hill has no penis. I saw it on Moneyball.

    Rob Ford… please go away! Go far away! Curl up in a ball as people throw stuff at you!

    Be well, Hook. There’s always tomorrow, waiting for you.

  24. Russ Ray says:

    It could be worse. You could be living in Montreal. Not only would it be colder, but then you’d have to sell a book in French.

  25. Daile says:

    “I’ve had intercourse so I get a pass. Shut up.” HAHAHAHAHA!!! Best oneliner ever. Love it Hook

  26. I actually feel kind of bad for people who don’t have a few gay friends. Gay people will make your life more interesting because, in my experience, they’re funnier, more polite and cooler than straight people.

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