I originally pitched this to The HuffPost, but since they hate me and NEVER respond to my work…

Seriously, they love Ironic Mom Leanne Shirtliffe, but the folks at The HuffPo hate my guts so much they refuse to even respond to any of the numerous pitches I’ve sent them over the years.

Is a simple “Drop dead, Hook, you suck.”, too much to ask?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to keep writing this blog while helping my daughter realize her dreams but part of me wants more. What can I say? The Hook is human after all. At any rate, here is my latest ignored rejected submission to the HuffPost.

Enjoy.

31 Things No One Ever Told You About Traveling.

Forget Frommer’s, here are some nuggets of info that you need to pack away in your mental suitcase before you leave home, folks. (Just push aside those twerking fantasies involving Robin Thicke, Miley and a case of Cool Whip and make some room.) Some of these apply to parents more than single folk, but anyone who has ever left their respective city limits to explore the outside world can relate to them.

1)  You’re going to get lost. A lot. Never mind your newfangled, high-tech GPS or maps, Magellan, you’re going to lose your way from time to time.  (And yes, I said “maps”. The same people who still use landlines still use maps.) Never forget, my friends, some of our greatest, most rewarding experiences can be found when we deviate from the path well traveled.

2)  The same people who drive you batty while you’re in line at Walmart are going to be in line with you at the airport. And while you’re checking in at the hotel. Douchecopters are everywhere these days so don’t run from them, use their presence as an opportunity to sharpen your smart-ass wit. Look at yours truly: Where would I be without douchenozzles?

3)  It isn’t your imagination: babies really do scream louder when surrounded by the walls of a hotel lobby and their perfect acoustics.

4)  You will actually utter the words “I swear to God, I’ll turn this car around right now if you don’t shut up back there!”, at least once.

5)  If you travel with a partner, you will experience more conflict than you ever imagined possible.

6)  If you travel with a partner and children, you will break up at least once a day.

7)  The word “diet” never appears anywhere on a hotel/resort/cruise menu. Sure, you may hear otherwise, but your mind will never accept that fact. Ever.

8)  If you travel with your family (and they behave like most families do while traveling), you will find yourself scanning crowds in search of an unattached doppelganger to trade places with – by any means necessary.

9)  If you are traveling alone while the family remains home, you will find yourself bursting into song and dance routines like a character on Glee for no reason whatsoever – at least once an hour for the first 24 hours.

10)  If you are traveling alone while the family remains home, don’t even try to feign a look of surprise when you arrive home to a remake of The Hurt Locker.

11)  You will never pay more attention to restaurant prices. Ever.

12)  You will drive like a tourist.

13)  You will ask dumb questions like a tourist.

14)  You may resist with ever fiber of your being, but eventually you will relent and you will gawk at local sights and photograph them like a tourist.

15)  You will become a tourist. You may not accept it, but your denial will be irrelevant.

16)  You will most likely spend far too much time on your personal electronic device playing Facebook games and checking e-mails instead of interacting with the new world around you.

17)  You will actually pat yourself down while searching for a gratuity while poor working-class schmuck like myself stands awkwardly beside you.

18)  Souvenirs that seem overpriced and worthless actually are overpriced and worthless. But you’ll buy them anyway.

19)  Food actually tastes different when traveling because it costs at least three times as much to get to your belly. In fact, you’ll find yourself wanting to hang on to it longer for that very reason.

20)  Traveler’s diarrhea actually exists. Be very afraid.

21)  If you travel with your elderly parents, their age will never be more apparent to you. Incidentally, this isn’t a wisecrack; treasure every moment remaining or regret it forever.

22)  Olfactory senses are pushed into overdrive while traveling. Body odor, babies with full diapers and dried vomit on their clothes, and even animals, will produce smells that threaten to bring you to your knees if you’re not careful.

23)  If you travel with your elderly parents, don’t expect them to be much help with the little devils; they’ve been there, done that and have the dead look in their eyes to prove it.

24)  You’ll never appreciate the sacrifices your parents made while traveling with you more than when it’s your turn.

25)  Hookers escorts cost more out-of-town. Period. And since we’re on the subject, this rule applies to porn as well. Don’t be surprised if your attempt to view Alexis Texas’ latest naughty escapade results in a powerful blast – to your credit card.

26)  If you’re single or traveling without the kids, you’ll never have better sex than out-of-town sex. The body parts may be the same but the change in geographical location makes all the difference in the world. (Your partner may actually do that thing they did in Year One of your union. You what I’m talking about, right? That thing that made you believe in a higher power – for a moment, at least.)

That having been said…

27)  Forget what you’ve seen in movies or online, sex in a hotel shower will most likely result in a trip to a strange – and ridiculously overpriced – ER. Don’t be a hero unless you’re built like one. Trust me , the intensity of your orgasm will not be lessened if you’re horizontal.

28)  It may take some time, but you really will experience homesickness – even if your home sucks. Of course, this feeling may just be bad shellfish working its way back to its point-of-entry, but sooner or later, homesickness will strike, trust me.

29)  If you find time to read that book you brought with you, you’re doing something very, very, wrong. This is a vacation, not a library, poindexter! (Of course, if you’re reading The Bellman Chronicles, you get a pass.)

30)  “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” is just a saying. In the camera phone and social media age you can’t trust anyone. (Trust me, I’m a blogging bellman.)

And finally, I cannot stress this last item enough. To ignore this warning is to jeopardize your entire trip. (And for that matter, your entire existence, if you run into me, that is.)

31)  Travel is far from affordable these days. Make the most of every second. Pack your luggage but always leave your baggage at home.

BONUS ENTRY:

Be prepared for skill-testing questions like..

1. “How many bags do you have?”
2. “Where is your car parked?”
3. “What is your room number?”
4. “What is your date’s name?”
5. “What is your name?”

One Last Thing: If you’d be so kind, let me know if you think this post is worthy of inclusion in my-soon-(?)-to-be-released-someday second book. And now, some white space…

Sure, they’re hot, but they’re risking their lives!

See you in the lobby, kids…