Next Year, I’m Booking Valentine’s Day Off.

“Ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod!”

(followed by)

“Domedomedomedomedome!”

This was the soundtrack to the 38th floor of our North tower – which was playing on a continuous loop – that filled every crevice of my consciousness as I waited for a family of six from the Middle East (Mom, Dad, two kids, Grandpa and Grandma with wheels), to arrive and claim their bags. Their room was only accessible through a doorway leading to a small alcove containing two rooms – one of which was the setting for an adult feature entitled “Oh God! Do Me!: Volume One”.

My family arrives and in one feel swoop the following happened:

1)  I greeted them with a grin worthy of Batman’s greatest nemesis.

2)  In the manner of a traffic cop at the scene of a horrific accident (for instance, one involving a Mini Cooper being rear-ended by a semi – repeatedly), I ushered them into the room just as the young lady continued to pay homage to her deity of choice, but this time she chose to do so VERY LOUDLY.

“OH… MY… GAWD!”

3)  To their credit, the family moved very quickly, but unfortunately Grandma had some trouble getting her wheelchair over the lip of the doorway. (I couldn’t help but giggle as I rocked her wheelchair back and forth over the lip, mimicking the noises emanating from the doorway behind us.)

Once the family was safely ensconced in the far end of the two-room suite, I set about unloading their luggage in a rapid, but safe manner.

“Are you sure you’re okay there, sir?” Dad inquired.

In between giggles I replied, “I’m doing my best, sir – “

Just then, the young lady really cut loose.

“OH YEAH! I DON’T CARE WHAT I SAID… PUT IT IN MY ASS.. NOW!”

“And apparently I’m not the only one!” was the only way I could properly close out that statement. And so I finished up the call, accepted my three dollar gratuity – happily, for once – and made my way into the hallway.

(Where I hung around for another five minutes, just for good measure.)

After checking the time and realizing it was only 6;30 pm

(good for them)

I pondered the possibilities that lay ahead on what remained of this day of “romance”. The day had started horribly – I had arrived at 8 am and by 2 pm all I had to show for my efforts was a single Toonie. (That’s a two dollar Canadian coin, kids. Yes, Canucks are weird creatures.) But now that night had fallen the freaks had come out to play. Speaking of which, the next couple I encountered had the following item sticking out of a flimsy plastic bag…

For the uninitiated – like myself – Sportsheets are… well, I’m going to turn to the company’s spin doctors for this one, kids:

Sportsheets helps couples find new pleasure and explore new positions together with soft bondage and sexual positioning tools designed for quality, durability and ultimate satisfaction.

This unique collection features restraints, blindfolds, floggers, strap-ons, spreader bars and straps, and the world-renowned Sportsheet bondage bed sheet – the award-winning innovation that put Sportsheets on the map nearly 20 years ago.
SS20201_UnderTheBedRestraintSystem-LifeStyleShot

Would you believe this was the second time I had come across this product (yeah, I went there), in a week? The first time I was helping a young couple move their luggage from one room to another and the box was sticking out of an equally flimsy bag when the picture of a young lady strapped to a bed caught my eye.

I gave her the once-over and when I lifted my head the young couple (a Middle-Eastern guy and a short raven-haired Goth girl), had me dead to rights.

Fortunately, they were embarrassed and so they turned their collective gaze away quickly. If you want to excel in the bellman biz, friends, you need to hold it together at all times – even when you’re caught red-handed.

My next guests were a mismatched pair of lovers, one of whom couldn’t ignore the elephant giraffe in the room.

“Oh Pookie, look at that view!” his young Amazonian paramour squealed when confronted by the breathtaking view from the 45th floor, “I want you to fuck up me against the window!”

But could he? Really? Pookie turned to me and in a genuinely sincere tone inquired, “You’re a tall guy, boss. Can you help me out here?”

My heightened senses came through once again. “No problem! I’ll be right back, sir.”

I disappeared int to hallway and when I returned, Pookie was speechless, then bowled over in hysterical laughter. “I’ll just leave this here,” I said of the Rubbermaid step stool in my hands, “Remember, it’s all about positioning and balance.”

And that was my Valentine’s Day in a ginormous nutshell – dipped in Joker venom – kids. In other news, my mind is still a busy place to say the least – just cross The LEGO Movie with Twister and you’re halfway there – but I’m doing my best to adhere to some semblance of a blogging schedule.

I have a new and wildly entertaining friend from Malaysia lined up for Monday’s 5×5, but after that we’ll see, won’t we? Before we part ways once more, here’s a little gift or two from me to you.

If this next clip/song doesn’t worm it’s way onto your head like a parasite from The Wrath of Khan… you’re dead.

See you in the lobby – perverts.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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102 Responses to Next Year, I’m Booking Valentine’s Day Off.

  1. michd74 says:

    Step stool….good choice. Sounds like an interesting day of love or sex. Some people confuse the two!! Great Post Hook.

  2. That’s hilarious. The fact that you even attempted to control your mirth means you deserve kudos. I don’t know if I would’ve been able to.

  3. A and I are at a hotel right now, but have given no one here anything to write about! Our V-day celebration was limited to enjoying The Lego Movie followed by a trip for ice cream. It was a good day, if not . . . exciting. 🙂

  4. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I was going to ask if y’all had a lot of lobby traffic yesterday.

    The Lego Movie was worth the ticket, and I usually don’t go to the theater unless DC or Marvel are involved. Which in a way, I guess DC was, but we still would have gone anyway.

  5. Sounds like you had a hotel full of Victorian poets at heart on VD.

    Wait! Doesn’t VD stand for something else?

  6. 1jaded1 says:

    Laughing hysterically and I wasn’t even there. Sportsheets…e-gads.

  7. TYTG says:

    Lego bloopers made my day! Also, step stool – classic

  8. colemining says:

    Saw the Lego Movie last night- LOVED it. Although… I finally got that song out of my head and now it’s back. Thanks for that. But I suppose that’s a very small irritation compared with what you’ve had to deal with this holiday weekend…

  9. Ha ha ha… you couldn’t had a more different V-Day than mine! Wow. The Falls really bring out…. the falls. 😀

  10. Ha ha! Oh my….. “the put it in my ass” comment had me really laughing. I had no idea being a bellman could be so interesting!

  11. List of X says:

    When I read “domedomedomedome!!”, I thought it was a blogger who was asking you to feature them on your 5×5. 🙂

  12. I don’t know if I can look at the Rubbermaid step stool my kids use to brush their teeth in the same way any more. Maybe I’ll have to burn it and make a new one from the 8 million strewn about LEGO pieces I have hidden on the rug waiting for me to step on at 3 am! Great post 🙂

  13. OK, the step stool was genius. Here’s hoping Pookie tipped you well.

  14. renxkyoko says:

    domedomedome……. I read it as dome, and thought ,I wonder what that means

  15. samara says:

    Well, I LOVED the Lego movie –
    if I were with someone for Valentine’s, I’d totally have asked to get back-doored to “Everything is Awesome.” Cause that is a HOT song.

  16. You lead a very interesting life and I thoroughly enjoy reading about it. I had good stories when I worked at a hospital and now that I work from home, the stories aren’t as good. And, you’ll be happy to know, that you provided some valuable education. I had no idea there was anything like Sportsheets and am pleased to have found another use for the step stool sitting idly in my broom closet. Pookie’s man ain’t got nuthin’ on mine 😉

  17. My lodge is so ‘vanilla’ compared to the spice at your hotel….yikes!!

  18. Jo Bryant says:

    sportsheets…the mind boggles

  19. Robin says:

    It’s pretty evident to me that they were inviting you to join them in their fun. I’m sure the step stool although disappointing appeared as a cute attempt at being very accommodating.

  20. Oh my, the things you see, and hear!!!!! OMG
    Every day presents new “horrors” lol

  21. Veronica says:

    I’m sorry was I too loud…

  22. wow. What a day. And I’d love to have a HOOK app, so I could choose the apropriate comments for all awkward situations!

  23. Nadia says:

    Well, at least the guests are using some short of extra sheet while they have fun…

  24. girlseule says:

    Oh my god! The things you see at work!

  25. you must be the coolest bellman ever – I love that thing with the stepladder! But it’s interesting that people feel free to say such things within hearing of a staffperson!!!

  26. stephrogers says:

    You have seriously got THE most interesting life!

  27. I’m definitely not getting out enough. Not only did I not know what “sports sheets” are but I haven’t seen the lego movie either.

  28. Louise says:

    I’m vaguely wondering what it says about me that the two main things I am thinking about after reading your post is 1) What’s an appropriate tip for a bellman (because – like my hairdresser – it remains a bit of a mystery) and 2) Hmmm – maybe I should take my kids to the Lego movie.

  29. EWWWWWW!
    I. AM. NEVER. EVER. STAYING. AT. A. HOTEL. IN. NIAGARA FALLS. EVER!!!
    You, my friend, see things that I could never ever imagine in my wild little mind.
    I salute you!

  30. Award-winning innovation?! What award might that be?! I’d like to see what lost out to The Sportsheet. I’m not adverse to some light bondage or struggle. Is that weird?

    My kids dragged me kicking and screaming into The Lego Movie and, of course, I had a great time. Enjoyed it tremendously.

  31. shimoniac says:

    Sitting here snickering. Poor floor mates. I stayed in a motel in Detroit some years ago, and the couple next door sounded like the soundtrack to a porno. They just went on and on. I was half impressed and half envious, and I sincerely wished that they would shut up and get some sleep. Now I’ll gross you out by revealing that the next day, I spotted them leaving the room, and they were really enjoying their golden years.

  32. You know, I always thought I was so discreet – now I realize that every employee has seen through every move I’ve ever made at a hotel!

  33. oh god! indeed! bloody fantastic! the things that go on behind closed doors! I

    I remember the first time hubby and i stayed in a hotel. the clothes were off the second after we had been shown to our room. we should have taken a moment to lock the door.. the poor woman was back in the room 2 minutes later with a bundle of towels she had forgotten, boy did she get an eyeful!

    In your professional opinion had she really forgotten the towels or was she just a perv? Lol! Thanks for the laughs!

    • The Hook says:

      She would have had to retrieve the towels from the linen closet down the hall, but she should have only done so upon request. The good money is on the perv theory.
      Kudos to you and the hubby for not wasting any time enjoying your freedom – and each other!

  34. Madhu says:

    Doubled up over the step stool!! 😆

  35. It sounds like you work at a veritable love shack!
    Late happy valentines and also ewww to the gross 🙂

  36. LEGOS! You certainly deserve some uncomplicated childlike fun.
    Work just keeps you dancing at that edge of that narrow line. Step stool – good one.

  37. maurnas says:

    You are making your job sound so awesome. I think I missed my true calling. I love sex talk with random strangers!

  38. bethteliho says:

    I have friends who own Sportsheets. It’s an awkward detail to know about them. The visuals….you know….EW. Not that a little bondage isn’t fun now and then – I just don’t need to picture my friends, youknowwhatI’msayin?

    Oh the stories you have! You are the fly in the saying “a fly on the wall” for sure. Love it.

  39. singlegirlie says:

    First, fantastic.

    Second, I read “Ohgodohgodohgodohgod!” As “Oh go doh go doh go doh go doh.” Thought maybe you were a Homer Simpson fan.

    Third, as I learned from Avenue Q, you can be as loud as the hell you want when you’re makin’ love.

    Fourth, I think he was listening to porn really loud, because I don’t believe that woman was begging for it in the ass.

    Fifth, I envision you as that sinister bellman on Seinfeld who got Elaine & Jerry blamed for the stolen couch incident.

    That’s all. I’ve run out of fingers to count on.

    • The Hook says:

      Trust me, he wasn’t listening to porn. After 17 years of listening to people have sex through cheap doors, I know the difference.
      I can be sinister, but I’m a good guy most of the time.
      Thanks for brightening my day, Girlie!
      (By the way, write a new post, will ya? Your work rocks!)

  40. Oh God I couldn’t imagine all of the things you must see and hear working in a hotel in the go-to romantic honeymoon town. When I was there visiting I saw people practically eating each others faces on the grass near the Falls and jumping each other on the Maid of the Mist. Awkward.

    Also, THE LEGO MOVIE IS AN AMAZING MOVIE. I saw it on Valentines Day with Boyfriend and I loved it so much!

  41. Ana Trofin says:

    Reblogged this on Ana Trofin's Blog and commented:
    Funny, extra funny and it makes me wish I was working in a hotel, at least for one summer 😀 Thanks for a good laugh Mr. Hook 😀

  42. Mich-in-French says:

    I can always trust you to educate us – OMG – I had to read this to my husband because he walked by when I was looking at the sportsheets and wanted to know what I was doing! It’s the Hooks blog I say…he says what kind of blog is that so I say okay let me read you this post and then we had a good chuckle and no we are not going out to get them sportsheets – not today anyway…lol

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