This was the soundtrack to the 38th floor of our North tower – which was playing on a continuous loop – that filled every crevice of my consciousness as I waited for a family of six from the Middle East (Mom, Dad, two kids, Grandpa and Grandma with wheels), to arrive and claim their bags. Their room was only accessible through a doorway leading to a small alcove containing two rooms – one of which was the setting for an adult feature entitled “Oh God! Do Me!: Volume One”.
My family arrives and in one feel swoop the following happened:
1) I greeted them with a grin worthy of Batman’s greatest nemesis.
2) In the manner of a traffic cop at the scene of a horrific accident (for instance, one involving a Mini Cooper being rear-ended by a semi – repeatedly), I ushered them into the room just as the young lady continued to pay homage to her deity of choice, but this time she chose to do so VERY LOUDLY.
“OH… MY… GAWD!”
3) To their credit, the family moved very quickly, but unfortunately Grandma had some trouble getting her wheelchair over the lip of the doorway. (I couldn’t help but giggle as I rocked her wheelchair back and forth over the lip, mimicking the noises emanating from the doorway behind us.)
Once the family was safely ensconced in the far end of the two-room suite, I set about unloading their luggage in a rapid, but safe manner.
“Are you sure you’re okay there, sir?” Dad inquired.
In between giggles I replied, “I’m doing my best, sir – “
Just then, the young lady really cut loose.
“OH YEAH! I DON’T CARE WHAT I SAID… PUT IT IN MY ASS.. NOW!”
“And apparently I’m not the only one!” was the only way I could properly close out that statement. And so I finished up the call, accepted my three dollar gratuity – happily, for once – and made my way into the hallway.
(Where I hung around for another five minutes, just for good measure.)
After checking the time and realizing it was only 6;30 pm
(good for them)
I pondered the possibilities that lay ahead on what remained of this day of “romance”. The day had started horribly – I had arrived at 8 am and by 2 pm all I had to show for my efforts was a single Toonie. (That’s a two dollar Canadian coin, kids. Yes, Canucks are weird creatures.) But now that night had fallen the freaks had come out to play. Speaking of which, the next couple I encountered had the following item sticking out of a flimsy plastic bag…
For the uninitiated – like myself – Sportsheets are… well, I’m going to turn to the company’s spin doctors for this one, kids:
Sportsheets helps couples find new pleasure and explore new positions together with soft bondage and sexual positioning tools designed for quality, durability and ultimate satisfaction.
This unique collection features restraints, blindfolds, floggers, strap-ons, spreader bars and straps, and the world-renowned Sportsheet bondage bed sheet – the award-winning innovation that put Sportsheets on the map nearly 20 years ago.
Would you believe this was the second time I had come across this product (yeah, I went there), in a week? The first time I was helping a young couple move their luggage from one room to another and the box was sticking out of an equally flimsy bag when the picture of a young lady strapped to a bed caught my eye.
I gave her the once-over and when I lifted my head the young couple (a Middle-Eastern guy and a short raven-haired Goth girl), had me dead to rights.
Fortunately, they were embarrassed and so they turned their collective gaze away quickly. If you want to excel in the bellman biz, friends, you need to hold it together at all times – even when you’re caught red-handed.
My next guests were a mismatched pair of lovers, one of whom couldn’t ignore the
elephant giraffe in the room.
“Oh Pookie, look at that view!” his young Amazonian paramour squealed when confronted by the breathtaking view from the 45th floor, “I want you to fuck up me against the window!”
But could he? Really? Pookie turned to me and in a genuinely sincere tone inquired, “You’re a tall guy, boss. Can you help me out here?”
My heightened senses came through once again. “No problem! I’ll be right back, sir.”
I disappeared int to hallway and when I returned, Pookie was speechless, then bowled over in hysterical laughter. “I’ll just leave this here,” I said of the Rubbermaid step stool in my hands, “Remember, it’s all about positioning and balance.”
And that was my Valentine’s Day in a ginormous nutshell – dipped in Joker venom – kids. In other news, my mind is still a busy place to say the least – just cross The LEGO Movie with Twister and you’re halfway there – but I’m doing my best to adhere to some semblance of a blogging schedule.
I have a new and wildly entertaining friend from Malaysia lined up for Monday’s 5×5, but after that we’ll see, won’t we? Before we part ways once more, here’s a little gift or two from me to you.
If this next clip/song doesn’t worm it’s way onto your head like a parasite from The Wrath of Khan… you’re dead.
See you in the lobby – perverts.