An Early (and cheap) Valentine’s Day Gift From The Hook

HOOK’S NOTE:  I have at least two 5×5 guests lined up for next week and I honestly don’t know if I’ll be posting on Valentine’s Day proper, so here is another piece plucked from the recesses of my brain box. Enjoy, kids.

In my seemingly-endless journey between the four corners of the fifty-story, 1,000 room hotel I call my home-away-from-home, I have met many couples. Each is unique, of course, but the duos we’re focusing on today share one trait that drives all of them toward the same destination.

They all desire to ascend Mount Orgasm, enjoy the view and descend in the hopes of  beginning the journey all over again.

There is a surplus of downtime in the bellman game and I often find myself pondering life’s many mysteries. One day – I think it was a Tuesday – my mind wandered to the issue of guest service. “How can I enhance my horny guests’ overall experience?”, I thought to myself. And yes, this is a true story; my mind will occasionally slip a gear and focus on work – specifically, other people’s orgasms rather than my own – and while this disturbs me to no end, it usually passes within a few moments so there’s no sense in pushing the panic button. 

Anyhoo, back to the randy people. My deliberations resulted in the creation of a gift bag designed to meet the needs of the libidinous traveler. And so I present to you now the official You’ve Been Hooked Travel Kit for the Lascivious Excursionist. 

The official You’ve Been Hooked Travel Kit for the Lascivious Excursionist contains everything the hot to trot guest could ever require during their erotic journey.

(Boy, that name certainly is a mouthful isn’t it? Yes, I said “mouthful”. Grow up.)

But back to my brainstorm. The official You’ve Been Hooked Travel Kit for the Lascivious Excursionist contains the following items:

1)  Hook brand Mouthwash.  “The memory lingers but the taste shouldn’t.”

2)  Chap-stick.  “You should crack personal carnal records, not your lips.”

3)  Bottled water.  “Dehydration is the enemy on this journey.”

4)  Silk scarves.  “Sometimes it’s not so bad to be all tied up.”

5)  A personal-use ice pack.  “Just because you’re hot and bothered doesn’t mean you can’t be comfortable.”

6)  Knee pads.  “Comfort when you need it most.”

7)  Neck brace.  (Just in case you overdo it with the knee pads.) “Hey, it happens.”

8)  The Kama Sutra For Dummies.  (Which, truthfully, includes most of us.)

9)  Energy bars.  “In this case, eating isn’t cheating.” (Yeah, I admit it doesn’t really make sense, but it sounds cool so shut up.)

10)  “The Spank Bank: The Book”  A small booklet containing pics of beautiful people of both sexes – and animals – because you never know when you’ll need a little inspiration, right?

11)  “D” batteries.  The less said about these, the better. Sometimes the mind is willing but the flesh is weak, but that doesn’t mean a girl should be left hanging, right, fellas?

And that’s all I have for you this year, friends. I hope the product of my murky psyche provides you with a chuckle or two. (Hey, it’s no substitute for a romantic evening or a few rounds of slap-and-tickle but it’s better than nothing, right?)

See you in the lobby, lovers…

And since I’m a hopeless nerd…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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72 Responses to An Early (and cheap) Valentine’s Day Gift From The Hook

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I think giving the D-cell batteries without anything to put them into may result in ER visits for “retrievals”.

    (And, hee hee, you said “crack” LOL)

  2. This kit should be made available in all the gift shops in all the hotels in Niagara…hell, in the world! You could be rich Hook! Just make sure they get your logo on it.

  3. Pyx says:

    Ah, L’amour Canadian style.
    I have to ask, since this is your Valentine’s day entry – are there any hotels/motels left that still have the heart shape bed? the champagne glass hot tub? or am I dating myself by asking…

    • The Hook says:

      You’re being too hard on yourself! I remember all those things, too! I think they’re all gone, but I can’t be certain.
      The Good Ole Days are vanishing fast, Pyx…

  4. You are hilarious Hookey! Happy V-day! 😉

  5. stephrogers says:

    Hahahaha! Love this. Will you be making a special kit for lesbians?

  6. REDdog says:

    Sounds like the perfect title for your next book, Hook.

  7. Michelle says:

    I work near Larry Flint’s Hustler store…we should get this kit in his store..

  8. Jonny Eberle says:

    There’s definitely a market for this, not to mention a good laugh. Let me know when you’re taking preorders. Not for me, of course, but for a friend.

  9. TYTG says:

    Knee pads!!

  10. Paul says:

    I’ve been in very few hotels that have bell-persons (sorry, some serious feminists in my family, I can’t help myself anymore), but that is likely because I seldom stay in 5+ star establishments. I plugged the parameters of your place of employment into Google and couldn’t believe my eyes. It is humungous and gorgeous – the tallest in Canada, bar none. I figure when you’re full, the population is between 2,000 and 4,000. Yikes!

    I’m from Nova Scotia and less than half the towns have that large a population. Blew me away – I didn’t know such a place even existed in Canada. Anyway, now that I’ve gushed, I can certainly see that you will have a collection of stories to pull from that will outlast your time on this mortal coil. I also can see how your ” You’ve Been Hooked Travel Kit for the Lascivious Excursionist “ could be a major success. You’d likely have to market it off premises but as a bell-person you could certainly direct any interested guests to the appropriate shop (as I’m sure you already do for guests seeking specialty services). Oh, by the way, I think NAPR is right, you need to include something to put the D cells in – you’re target market should also include single women – believe me they can afford it and would appreciate the thought. Also some KY for single men and same sex partners.

    There are a few other small items, I could suggest, but I think you are limiting your market by assuming male-female partners. And make it all classy, the rich will pay more for better quality.

  11. susielindau says:

    And don’t forget your copy of the Bellman Chronicles! That should teach them a thing or two!

  12. I was “hooked” at #1. What a marketing slogan!

  13. I love the idea of a kit! I think however it should include happy pills of some sort (horny goatweed for example) and chocolate. And earplugs (for the guy next door).

  14. This is too funny! You kill me, Hook! LOL

  15. What no whips or chains? 😉

  16. maurnas says:

    This is a genius kit! You should be commended for this idea, pitch it to your bosses as a public service kit. Like when hotels offer combs and toothbrushes. But the batteries should really be AA or AAA. I’ve never seen a toy that uses D, though I am certainly no expert.

  17. Aussa Lorens says:

    Haha, hilarious! I may need one of these kits next weekend, wapow!

  18. Jennifer says:

    And so the fun continues – but my toys won’t be needing batteries ;-p

  19. Ha ha ha.Quite the kit. I ditto the mention of something to put batteries into and chocolate, definitely add some chocolate. 😀

  20. robincoyle says:

    You forgot two things . . . alcohol and lubricant. Otherwise, your kit is complete. May I pre-order 3?

  21. I do hope coupons are available. Apparently, I need all of this. *sigh*

  22. LOVE. IT! How do I order one?

  23. Mich-in-French says:

    You…dear Hook…have way too much time on your hands and are incorrigible …but damn you make me laugh! Well written and thought out…your guests will keep on coming…cough excuse me I will be off now :0

    • The Hook says:

      My mind is still a bit fuzzy: did you get my e-mail about your 5×5 post? I want to run it Wednesday if that’s all right.

      Nice double entendre, by the way, Mich!

      • Mich-in-French says:

        😉
        Hey Hook – did reply – let me know if you got it – been away fro the last 2 days working so haven’t had chance to get to my emails or blog – have an awesome Valentine’s day…it will probably be quite interesting on your side.

        And thank you for the 5×5!

  24. I’m gonna have to visit your hotel someday.

  25. jlheuer says:

    Just make them available at concierge.

  26. Cheeky Minx says:

    The fabulous name alone sold me! Sign me up for a six-pack…

  27. Purely for research purposes do you have a copy of The spank bank I could review?

  28. veronicasbook says:

    Ooh, scarves, porn and toys. I like this. Happy Valentines,

  29. I loved The Spank Bank and D batteries the most. Haha. Let me know when these products become available. I’ll help making the labels. 🙂

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