HOOK’S NOTE: I have at least two 5×5 guests lined up for next week and I honestly don’t know if I’ll be posting on Valentine’s Day proper, so here is another piece plucked from the recesses of my brain box. Enjoy, kids.
In my seemingly-endless journey between the four corners of the fifty-story, 1,000 room hotel I call my home-away-from-home, I have met many couples. Each is unique, of course, but the duos we’re focusing on today share one trait that drives all of them toward the same destination.
They all desire to ascend Mount Orgasm, enjoy the view and descend in the hopes of beginning the journey all over again.
There is a surplus of downtime in the bellman game and I often find myself pondering life’s many mysteries. One day – I think it was a Tuesday – my mind wandered to the issue of guest service. “How can I enhance my horny guests’ overall experience?”, I thought to myself. And yes, this is a true story; my mind will occasionally slip a gear and focus on work – specifically, other people’s orgasms rather than my own – and while this disturbs me to no end, it usually passes within a few moments so there’s no sense in pushing the panic button.
Anyhoo, back to the randy people. My deliberations resulted in the creation of a gift bag designed to meet the needs of the libidinous traveler. And so I present to you now the official You’ve Been Hooked Travel Kit for the Lascivious Excursionist.
The official You’ve Been Hooked Travel Kit for the Lascivious Excursionist contains everything the hot to trot guest could ever require during their erotic journey.
(Boy, that name certainly is a mouthful isn’t it? Yes, I said “mouthful”. Grow up.)
But back to my brainstorm. The official You’ve Been Hooked Travel Kit for the Lascivious Excursionist contains the following items:
1) Hook brand Mouthwash. “The memory lingers but the taste shouldn’t.”
2) Chap-stick. “You should crack personal carnal records, not your lips.”
3) Bottled water. “Dehydration is the enemy on this journey.”
4) Silk scarves. “Sometimes it’s not so bad to be all tied up.”
5) A personal-use ice pack. “Just because you’re hot and bothered doesn’t mean you can’t be comfortable.”
6) Knee pads. “Comfort when you need it most.”
7) Neck brace. (Just in case you overdo it with the knee pads.) “Hey, it happens.”
8) The Kama Sutra For Dummies. (Which, truthfully, includes most of us.)
9) Energy bars. “In this case, eating isn’t cheating.” (Yeah, I admit it doesn’t really make sense, but it sounds cool so shut up.)
10) “The Spank Bank: The Book” A small booklet containing pics of beautiful people of both sexes – and animals – because you never know when you’ll need a little inspiration, right?
11) “D” batteries. The less said about these, the better. Sometimes the mind is willing but the flesh is weak, but that doesn’t mean a girl should be left hanging, right, fellas?
And that’s all I have for you this year, friends. I hope the product of my murky psyche provides you with a chuckle or two. (Hey, it’s no substitute for a romantic evening or a few rounds of slap-and-tickle but it’s better than nothing, right?)
See you in the lobby, lovers…
And since I’m a hopeless nerd…