I don’t know what set me off, but I just don’t feel like myself today.
Which begs the obvious question: Who the hell am I?
Oh well, since an answer is far from forthcoming (seriously, I feel as confused as a Kardashian with a coherent thought), I think need to purge my brain box of a few dusty thoughts that have been taking up valuable space. (If my wife ever reads this, the rant will last hours.)
But let’s get down to business, shall we? Who better to dole out advice and wisdom than a Canadian bellman/failed author in his forties? Am I right or am I right?
1) You know how people who have lost their parents always advise others to never leave things unsaid? I just served a guest like that: “I lost both my parents within a year of each other and I gotta tell you, boss, if you don’t say what you gotta say when you gotta say it, the regret will eat you alive like the cancer.”
Needless to say, while his delivery left a little to be desired, my Italian friend meant well. However, his logic just isn’t practical. And yes, I’m going to tell you why, just hang on.
(I love you, but you get so impatient sometimes.)
Do you know why most people don’t confront their parents about the proverbial skeletons rattling around in their family closets?
The second you put your cards on the dining room table, your daily life would be unbearable.
Seriously, you’d never hear the end of it. Ever. Never mind elephants, parents never forget. Anything. So suck it up. Stay quiet. Drown your compulsion to bear your soul using whatever means you find acceptable.
Why do you think they invented alcohol in the first place?
2) “Porn is disgusting and is a blight upon this world!” – One of my more enlightened female guests.
Let’s get something straight: Famine is a blight. War is a blight. In many ways reality TV is a blight. Human trafficking is certainly a blight.
But porn? Porn has its place in our society. (Quit screaming, I’m getting to the point.)
Porn’s Many Attributes.
- It keeps ugly people occupied and away from you.
- Teenage boys who are busy watching Alexis Texas’ latest escapade are too busy too egg your windows.
- The adult film industry pours (“sprays” would be more accurate) billions into the economy.
- It got me through many a lonely night in high school and college.
- The adult film industry provides gainful employment to well-intentioned, but incredibly stupid people.
- Directors who flunk out of film school owe their lives and livelihoods to the porn industry.
Ignore the ravings of twice-divorced, dried up, bitter cougars and support your local porn industry, folks. The life you save could be your own.
3) In addition to the parental crises we all face, there are millions of regrets we accumulate over the course of our lives.
This whole “Live Your Life With No Regrets” business really creams my corn. You know what I call a person with no regrets?
I’m all for embracing new opportunities, but sometimes we get so busy asking ourselves “Can I do this?”, that we forget to ask the more important query: “Should I do this?”
Case in point: A young man of seventeen checks in with a cougar of super nova status.
“My buddies are laughing at me, but she showed me videos of her and other guys. She knows stuff, boss! She’s married, but he doesn’t treat her right and the way I figure it, I don’t want to have any regrets when I’m old, right?”
And he was correct, she did indeed, know stuff. Dark, terrible stuff.
There are certain words that have no place in a young man’s sexual history.
- Rusty shackles.
- Dripping candle wax.
- Ball gags.
- Anal drill.
My young guest would have been better served by his regrets than his memories. He arrived at the hotel in a Cadillac – he left in an ambulance.
4) To those of you who feel alcohol is the answer – or at the very least, a viable diversion – I say this: there is a message written at the bottle of ever bottle of wine, beer or spirit of any form that reads “Sorry, try again.”
Unfortunately, the message is only visible to the sober, but trust me, its there.
Thus ends my sermon.
Whew! I don’t know about you, but I feel better already. Of course, my head is still as fuzzy as the reception on the first television I ever had in my room after I tried to emulate Adam West while diving from my bed to my dresser, but I’m on the road to recovery.
See you in the lobby, kids…
UPDATE: Just ran across this in my travels and felt compelled to share. (My virtual travels, that is. I rarely leave Niagara and why should I? Every experience worth having can be found here, courtesy of our many out-of-town guests.)