I’m Not Having A Mid-life Crisis, This Is More of A Mid-life “Situation”.

I don’t know what set me off, but I just don’t feel like myself today.

Which begs the obvious question: Who the hell am I?

Oh well, since an answer is far from forthcoming (seriously, I feel as confused as a Kardashian with a coherent thought), I think need to purge my brain box of a few dusty thoughts that have been taking up valuable space. (If my wife ever reads this, the rant will last hours.)

But let’s get down to business, shall we? Who better to dole out advice and wisdom than a Canadian bellman/failed author in his forties? Am I right or am I right?

1)  You know how people who have lost their parents always advise others to never leave things unsaid? I just served a guest like that: “I lost both my parents within a year of each other and I gotta tell you, boss, if you don’t say what you gotta say when you gotta say it, the regret will eat you alive like the cancer.”

Needless to say, while his delivery left a little to be desired, my Italian friend meant well. However, his logic just isn’t practical. And yes, I’m going to tell you why, just hang on.

(I love you, but you get so impatient sometimes.)

Do you know why most people don’t confront their parents about the proverbial skeletons rattling around in their family closets?

The second you put your cards on the dining room table, your daily life would be unbearable.

Seriously, you’d never hear the end of it. Ever. Never mind elephants, parents never forget. Anything. So suck it up. Stay quiet. Drown your compulsion to bear your soul using whatever means you find acceptable.

Why do you think they invented alcohol in the first place?

2)  “Porn is disgusting and is a blight upon this world!” – One of my more enlightened female guests.

Let’s get something straight: Famine is a blight. War is a blight. In many ways reality TV is a blight. Human trafficking is certainly a blight.

But porn? Porn has its place in our society. (Quit screaming, I’m getting to the point.)

Porn’s Many Attributes.

  1. It keeps ugly people occupied and away from you.
  2. Teenage boys who are busy watching Alexis Texas’ latest escapade are too busy too egg your windows.
  3. The adult film industry pours (“sprays” would be more accurate) billions into the economy.
  4. It got me through many a lonely night in high school and college.
  5. The adult film industry provides gainful employment to well-intentioned, but incredibly stupid people.
  6. Directors who flunk out of film school owe their lives and livelihoods to the porn industry.

IF MY WIFE IS VIEWING THIS… I LOVE YOU.

Ignore the ravings of twice-divorced, dried up, bitter cougars and support your local porn industry, folks. The life you save could be your own.

3)  In addition to the parental crises we all face, there are millions of regrets we accumulate over the course of our lives.

So what?

This whole “Live Your Life With No Regrets” business really creams my corn. You know what I call a person with no regrets?

A fetus.

I’m all for embracing new opportunities, but sometimes we get so busy asking ourselves “Can I do this?”, that we forget to ask the more important query: “Should I do this?”

Case in point:  A young man of seventeen checks in with a cougar of super nova status.

“My buddies are laughing at me, but she showed me videos of her and other guys. She knows stuff, boss! She’s married, but he doesn’t treat her right and the way I figure it, I don’t want to have any regrets when I’m old, right?”

Right.

And he was correct, she did indeed, know stuff. Dark, terrible stuff.

There are certain words that have no place in a young man’s sexual history.

  • Rusty shackles.
  • Dripping candle wax.
  • Ball gags.
  • Anal drill.

My young guest would have been better served by his regrets than his memories. He arrived at the hotel in a Cadillac – he left in an ambulance.

4)  To those of you who feel alcohol is the answer – or at the very least, a viable diversion – I say this: there is a message written at the bottle of ever bottle of wine, beer or spirit of any form that reads “Sorry, try again.”

Unfortunately, the message is only visible to the sober, but trust me, its there.

Thus ends my sermon.

Whew! I don’t know about you, but I feel better already. Of course, my head is still as fuzzy as the reception on the first television I ever had in my room after I tried to emulate Adam West while diving from my bed to my dresser, but I’m on the road to recovery.

I think.

See you in the lobby, kids…

UPDATE: Just ran across this in my travels and felt compelled to share. (My virtual travels, that is. I rarely leave Niagara and why should I? Every experience worth having can be found here, courtesy of our many out-of-town guests.)

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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96 Responses to I’m Not Having A Mid-life Crisis, This Is More of A Mid-life “Situation”.

  1. REDdog says:

    As usual Hook, your most brain addled rants are still echelons above us mere mortals writings. Enjoy your shift buddy.

  2. Your Batman photo caption made me LOL, as did your answer to the question of who has no regrets. I’m all for seizing the moment and apparently the folks in my life see me as someone super-positive, but the truth is . . . seizing every moment needs to be tempered with the practicality of recognizing most moments will be followed by many others, ones in which food, water, love and such will still be required. It’s great to be grateful for many things, but that’s just a part of this complex life. And some days? It’s harder than others, and that’s OK too. Hope you get to feeling like yourself again soon.

  3. NotAPunkRocker says:

    As a once-divorced,non-cougar, I can say I have more important things to worry about than porn, and if I didn’t I still wouldn’t worry. I failed the moral police exam.

    That poor kid sounds like he hooked up with a 50 shades of dreck junkie if that is what she subjected him to.

    Amen on the telling it like it is now causing more problems. It’s almost like a spy mission “I would tell you, but then I would have to kill you”.

    Coincidentally, I am posting while drinking but not drunk (despite how disjointed my rambling is now). It’s been a while but the good news is that I am not likely to repeat it but every few months or so. So, I shall continue to keep looking for the answers again in the morning.

    Hang in there, Hook. 🙂

  4. Glad you feel better! I thought you were mocking me at first with title because I’ve been bitching about the start of my mid-life crisis since I’ve been newly informed that I need bifocals. lol

  5. Brother Jon says:

    Interesting “fact” about porn. Nearly all serial killers admit to having a “porn problem”. This is of course just from the ones that talk. It’s not a blight, but I do see the negative in it. (Of course this is a comment from the Mormon) I do my best not to judge, but killing lots of peeps isn’t that great a thing to do. Maybe there’s a connection, maybe not.
    Good list. Hope you get your “situation” fixed.

    • The Hook says:

      I’ll snap out of my haze sooner or later, Brother Jon.
      Thanks for weighing in.

    • Paul says:

      Brother Jon – All serial killers also claim to have eaten cheese as well. I hope you don’t like dairy products, it could be bad news. (Ha! In other words, I don’t find your logic compelling.)

      • Brother Jon says:

        Hey, you do what you got to do. Anything in excess can be bad, even cheese.

      • Paul says:

        Ha! So very true, Brother Jon! I suppose if I was walking in an industrial area when a 1 million gallon tank of liquid Cheese Whiz ruptured – that would pretty much be the end of me.But I’d die with a smile on my face.

      • Sofia says:

        Your comment made me laugh out loud. 🙂
        xo
        Sofia
        serial killer in the making 😉

  6. Pyx says:

    Dark, terrible stuff…

  7. I’m glad you feel better, Hook! I would add that porn is not the worst thing a couple can watch together, if you catch my drift. Hang in there.

  8. Steph says:

    A midlife situation! Yes. I am having a kids-snowed-in-AGAIN-and-I’m-trying-to-do-my-taxes-situation. Not a crisis. A situation. I like it. Good luck with your situation there, Hook.

  9. Trent Lewin says:

    Friend Hook, that was like a weirdly quiet rant that still delivered a scream. Who the hell are any of us, by the way? We are either chance and thus the best riddle of all time, or created and thus the best joke of all time. I’m okay with either. Hope you are too, my Canadian friend.

  10. Digging your page and will look foward to future rants. May I add a question to two of your own? Okay. Thanks!
    In addition to, “Can I do this” and “Should I do this” we need to add, “Do I WANT to this?” I used to do things because I thought I was supposed to or expected to. One benefit of midlife is that we are old enough to pick and choose what we do and (don’t) want to do–without caring about being judged. At least that’s how I see it in my own foggy brain 🙂

  11. 1jaded1 says:

    I hope you are feeling better after this. Alcohol only makes things better while it is in you. It lies.

  12. Michael says:

    “He arrived at the hotel in a Cadillac – he left in an ambulance.” …that sounds like the opening lyric to a country song.

  13. Paul says:

    “The adult film industry pours (‘sprays’ would be more accurate)…” Argh! I could have done without that image. Thanks Hook. Whew. I do agree, though, that telling all is NOT a good thing. I believe whole heartedly in telling the truth, but cannot get my head around complete candor – a delicate difference that many don’t appreciate but which definitely applies here. (In my estimation) Hate those people that comment such stuff as : “You sure are getting fat.” Then when you call them on it they reply: “Oh, I just believe in telling the truth, don’t you?” The proper reply being “Yes, I do. and you are such an idiot. How’s that for ya?”)

  14. Porn and booze – major vice out for many, yes? Meh…doesn’t do much for this hombre any more. Better take a kick at a game of horseshoes and take tepid showers while thinking of the Queen. Or not.

    A good vent is just what the doctor orders sometimes…hope you turn the corner, kind sir 🙂

  15. Nadia says:

    Yes, yes and yes. I hope getting these universal truths (in my book) out of your system helped, dear Hook.

  16. List of X says:

    And let’s not forget that your hotel probably makes as much money selling porn flicks to the guests as it does by selling the actual rooms.

  17. I see it as re-calibrating your personal compass, Hook. We go through different phases in life and in mid-life situations, we do need to re-evaluate and re-adjust what’s relevant and delete what no longer works. I am certain you will get there.
    A note on alcohol and porn – moderation is a good thing. But then again, some people are just not cut out to handle anything in life. They’ll vulgarise everything they touch. Which tends to spoil it for everyone else ;( Of course, young minds who are not ready and equipped to handle alcohol and porn should never mix the two. Fatal to say the least when one can’t tell fantasy from reality.
    Wishing you all the best and see you at the finish line 🙂

    • Paul says:

      Shiley, I enjoy your life view and will check out your website. The civilization in which you are steeped is thousands of years old and has learned a lot of lessons in dealing with various social inputs over long periods of time. Moderation is for sure the key. We Caucasians in North America have only been playing around for about 500 years, a mere pip on the Malaysian time-line. Good to meet you.

      • Thank you for your kind comments, Paul. It is lovely to meet you too 🙂
        I would not say that anyone else would know better just because of a time-line. I am sure we have seen our fair share of people who learnt very little (or nothing at all) with all the time they had. I think it is good to learn from one another. Each culture and civilisation have something valuable to share/teach us all. Do you have a website too, Paul? Would love to check yours out too. Thanks again 🙂

  18. Sofia says:

    This post had me all over the place and I liked it. 🙂
    I was shaking my head as I laughed. Thanks for that.
    As for telling your parents things…. I have a few words
    “Need to know and most times they don’t need to know”
    🙂
    Glad you are feeling better.
    xox

  19. thehobbler says:

    You’re not a failed author. Don’t you have a book?

  20. Sandi Ormsby says:

    Hey Hookman! I haven’t been on the blog boards for about a year (maybe two) actually posted something and decided to look up some of my favorite bloggers. I found myself here…and you had to be preachin…AWESOME… now I don’t have to hit church tomorrow can and get something else done, like grocery shopping, pedicure, and hair dye! 🙂 Thanks, you rock, man!

  21. stephrogers says:

    That was so funny. ‘As confused as a Kardashian with a coherent thought’ should be used in English text books everywhere as an example of how to use a simile to expert effect. Love your work
    xx
    PS Anal drill? NASTY!

  22. mollytopia says:

    Hahaha oh wow – that poor kid. You’re so right: just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

  23. Yogizilla says:

    All I gotta say is that the Adam West versions of Cat Woman and Bat Girl made my younger years far more tolerable. LOL

  24. This was so great! I’ve missed reading you and glad you feel better after getting it all out.

    • The Hook says:

      it is a new day as I write to you, Deanna, and while my head has cleared somewhat, my eyes are burning from exhaustion and 900 check-outs await…
      Pray for me, will ya?

  25. Chatty Owl says:

    Love your rants. They make so much sense. I totally agree about porn and parents. Oh my, I was reading and thought I’m reading my own thoughts. So true. So, so true.

    Have a good day at the lobby!

  26. denmother says:

    Hook, I’m going to have to take exception to your twice-divorced bitter cougar reference. I am only once divorced.

    Also, I think cougar’s may have had a strong hand in creating the porn industry. First time for love, second time for money. Once we’ve landed the young prey, we no longer want them to touch us, we want them to afford us!

    Bring on the porn my friend.

  27. Mid-life crisis’s pass too. Regrets, I’ve had a few, but see no reason to hang onto.
    Tomorrow is another day, Hook. This too shall pass.

  28. I didn’t speak to my dad for over 20 years. My sister insisted I see him because he was about to die. She said I’d regret it if I didn’t. Guess what? The meeting was meaningless and didn’t amount to a damn thing. Had it not happened, I wouldn’t have slept like a baby.

    The internet is for porn!
    The internet if for porn!
    Me up all night honking me horn
    to porn, porn, porn!

    Avenue Q

    Regrets make me feel human. Like I belong to the biggest, best club ever. I kept careful track in journals. Now they’re fodder for blog posts. Winning.

    Nice rant here, pal.

  29. Nice rant! I like you all flustered in situations! Speaking as a porn watching, ambulance riding, regret carrying, cards on the table big mouth…I whole heartedly agree. And CHEERS! (Had to put that in too.)

  30. Ahhhh…Hook, you always make my head spin. Hope you feel like your old self soon, I know where you are at, sort of 🙂 xoxo

  31. -The place I work asks you during pre-hiring if you have any regrets. I think they’re wondering if you regret a meth-induced horrible crime or something, but I couldn’t lie and say I had no regrets; I wouldn’t want to meet someone with no regrets.
    -Love the mention of the bottom of a bottle. A country song I like, “Here I Am”, has a verse:
    You know that you’re gonna find me,
    If you keep on drinkin’ fast,
    Cuz honey I’m right there waitin’ for you,
    At the bottom of your glass.
    (the chorus: Here I am, here I am, in the bourbon and the water, that burn you just like a brand)
    -Porn is for winners! Ha ha.
    Oh by the way, very entertaining post.

  32. Michelle says:

    I love the fetus line.

    And there is a sentence I never thought I’d write.

    Happy Sunday to you, my friend!

  33. Jana says:

    I don’t consider myself to be a prude at all (porn and I have an on-again/off-again relationship) — but my jaw is still dropped after reading about the teenager and cougar. The things The Hook sees on a daily basis! PS, I’ve been reading MUCH too much of your blog — I actually had a dream the other night that you apparently inspired. I blogged the story if you are inclined to read it (spoiler alert – it is not at all salacious in nature).

  34. bardictale says:

    I think I’ll hand you a duster instead of a cookie this time. Who knows what you’ll find?

  35. Jennifer says:

    Don’t get me started on parents, their memory and telling them stuff. It would take way too long. As for regrets. I read something really cool recently about people who say they have no regrets but right now, do you think I can remember it, nup.
    And porn can be good when your husband is away two weeks of every four. Not all the time, just when needed.

  36. shimoniac says:

    Hook. Think of glass half-full, rather than half-empty. It’s what you did and didn’t do that got you where you are now. Maybe it wasn’t where you thought you’d end up. Sure it could have been better, but it could have been a lot worse.

  37. The Guat says:

    I agree with you on the whole regrets things, sometimes you should go all out, most definitely be a wild rider and just do it, but there are other times you should kind of think twice … like when a cougar says “I know stuff”. That might be a red flag.

  38. jlheuer says:

    The Superman vid was sweet. Loved all the faces of the man incorporated into the animation.

  39. veronicasbook says:

    Porn and a midlife crisis could make for an interesting time. I’d ask you to join in, but your wife may not appreciate it.

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