No Apologies; This is Simply How My Mind Works.

THE HOOK:  (Upon casting my eyes on our new lobby furniture – positioned directly across from the front desk – for the first time.)  Four loveseats and a ginormous ottoman?  Howe long before those are drenched in twenty-dollar Starbucks lattes and various bodily fluids?

MY BELL CAPTAIN:  You don’t have to always seek out the negative, do you?  Think positive, Hook!

THE HOOK:  Why start now?

MBC:  Don’t make me fire you.  Again.

He “fires” me every day – without fail.  Continuity is great, isn’t it?

Undaunted, as always, I continue.

THE HOOK: The big question remains.

MBC:  I know I’m going to regret this…

THE HOOK:  Buuuut?

MBC:  (Sighing the sigh of a man who has been “managing” me for 14 years.)  What’s the big question, Hook?

THE HOOK:  How long before the night auditors make that inevitable call to security.  The one that goes something like this:

“Night Audit to Security: Uh yeah.. we have two drunk people attempting to copulate on the new lobby furniture. If you could bring a hose or a spray bottle to the lobby we’d appreciate it.”

MBC:  Copulate?

THE HOOK:  You’re right, of course.  That was completely unrealistic.  Okay, how about this? 

“Night Audit to Security: We have two morons boning on the new lobby furniture. Break out the tasers, boys. It’s Go Time!”

(Nothing is guaranteed to ruin a trip faster and more completely than a taser to the genitals, kids.)

This has been a brief peek behind the curtain in the Oz-like throne room of my mind. Enjoy the weekend, folks. See you in the lobby…

Before We Part Ways…

If you’d be so kind, click on the image below to wish a warm WordPress birthday to a special soul, Madame Weebles.  Thanks. You’re the best.

Moving Pictures

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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82 Responses to No Apologies; This is Simply How My Mind Works.

  1. REDdog says:

    Haaa! Those security boys have all the fun, tasering genitals and all that shit. It’s busy in there, hey Hook?!

  2. New furniture in a resort area – what else could you possible think of immediately? Fun city.
    (oh, must rush over to that picture perfect one! Thanks)

  3. Nadia says:

    Hook, you’ve seen things that no one ever should. Happy weekend!

  4. Nagahide furniture?

    Just think how many nagas gave their lives so drunk tourists could fornicate on their skins.

  5. Never apologize for being you. I make no claims to be the nicest person, to be the smartest, best or worst. The only claim I will ever make is I will always be me.

  6. NotAPunkRocker says:

    So do you have a pool going on how long it will take for that to happen?

  7. Ah! Nothing like a dose of comedy to bring in the weekend! Cheers!

  8. We are talking grown-ups here right?! Geez…Ewww!

  9. Pyx says:

    My first thought was kids climbing all over it but you’re right, the first hooker that slips off that thing is going no pants up.

    Do you ever mess with his mind and throw out a positive comment?

  10. LOL – hotel furniture does freak me out – for that exact same reason!!

  11. I think you should have a staff pool going. (I would have gone to the same place, myself. Great minds think alike. Or sick ones. I can never remember how that goes.)

  12. I’ll never sit on public furniture again. Ick.

  13. Jennifer says:

    Love it! And who uses copulate these days. Boning is much more effective.

  14. Lindsay says:

    Your Bell Captain is lucky to work with you. Bet you guys have lots of laughs!

  15. You never fail to satisfy Hook, and before we get into “that’s what she said” jokes, I bid you a great weekend too!

  16. Twindaddy says:

    Getting tasered mid-coitus is on my bucket list.

  17. Reminds me of the time when two business women were having a lunch meeting at a restaurant I worked at. One of the women reached back, and her hand slipped into the crevice between the back and bottom of the booth seat and found a used condom. Still, ahem, moist.


    Have fun with that furniture…lol.

  18. 1jaded1 says:

    Haha, and ick! The term boning will always make my inner juvenile laugh…hee. Have a good weekend, too!

  19. The Cutter says:

    He fires you every night? That doesn’t seem especially nice.

  20. List of X says:

    Well, what did they expect people would be doing on loveseats?

  21. Will need regular updates on the stain age!

  22. Oh Dr. Hook you just boosted my endorphin levels off chart, that was so funny. I’m afraid you had better update your list of possibile soiling causes to the lobby furniture, if anyone should happen to be on the ottoman or lovesat for that matter and should be casually reading your blog, they would most likely pee their pants lauging (like I just did – but it was office furniture – 😀 ).

  23. stephrogers says:

    Haha! See what I really wanted was a nice pic of the new furniture, instagram style.

  24. My mind went to messy diapers and uncontrolled bladders. Somehow yours seems better. Wait…no…OK, they are both yucky. Maybe you could write a segment for fear factor. The contestants would have to sit on lobby furniture that you could list off all the horrible things that had been done on them. OK, just yuck.

  25. bardictale says:

    Funny, something like that was going through my head. Whose idea was it to put a love seat in a hotel lobby?

  26. You know what? It sounds kind of like at your job, you sort of get paid to watch porn….

  27. jlheuer says:

    They actually bought furniture upholstered in fabric? At the library (haven for the homeless and the drunk, also kids with droopy diapers), we covered everything in naugahyde or its current equivalent. Can be hosed downed and wiped off by our gloved and masked maintenance people. Had some “regular ” furniture once, it literally rotted away from frequent applications of bodily fluids. Hope you weren’t eating lunch when you read this.

  28. LOL! I could actually picture this happening in my head as I read your dialogue… In the back of my mind I was thinking, “Why can’t they take it somewhere a little more private…like, say, the elevator?” You know at least half of those alarms, especially in the wee hours are falsies. 😡

    • The Hook says:

      We have had hundreds of alarms over the years, Kitt – they’ve all been false alarms.
      Thanks for the praise, young lady.
      By the way, I loved your Elvis post!

      • Thanks! I LOVE this one… And thanks for clearing up what I suspected about elevators. I’d say blame Aerosmith, but I suspect it was happening long before they released THAT song. 😉

      • The Hook says:

        Oh yeah!
        But to be honest there isn’t enough time during the average elevator ride for hanky panky. And if you sound the alarm you won’t stop the ride, you’ll simply get a switchboard operator on the line!

  29. Bodily fluids on the chairs in the lobby? Wow. You work at one swingin’ hotel, Hook.

  30. Cameron says:

    Pretty sure that exchange makes you Westley and your manager Ryan. Also? Points for working “copulate” in. 😉

  31. You speak the truth Hook, your Bell Captain on the other hand is still working on Fantasy Island where humans act appropriately in public…especially when they’re drunk. As for me…I’m looking forward to reading about the christening of the love seats.

  32. curvyroads says:

    Thank you for the laughs, and uh, the mental images! 😀

  33. LOLOLOLOL!! That just made me so happy that our giant lobby didn’t have any furniture…

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