This Is Not A Post.

This is the hospitality industry’s equivalent of communication from the front.

I feel like a soldier writing to his sweetie from a foxhole.

Except, I’m not a soldier, I’m a bellman. And you’re not my sweetie, you’re my loyal, understanding and above all, tolerant readers. And I’m not in a foxhole, I’m behind a desk – when I’m not running around loading luggage onto carts, that is. However, I am on the front lines – of the hospitality wars, that is.

And make no mistake, a bellman working the 9-8 shift on New Year’s Eve is most definitely at war, kids. So I’ll be brief. What choice do I have, really?

On the valet deck, the wind is biting, burning one’s skin within thirty seconds. The wind is out of control, sweeping carts, bags and even guests aside as though they were constructed of paper. The enemy is unrelenting. The hordes are sweeping over us like locusts, devouring everything in their path. Of course, they don’t actually devour so much as complain. About everything.

  • “Why is it so cold here? My face hurts!”Β  (Her husband’s response was priceless: “Usually your face hurts everyone else, dear!”)
  • “My kids are tired! We can’t wait in line for very long!”
  • “Can’t you do something about this wind?”

The Best Line of the Day:

“I’M GETTING BLOWN AWAY! I’m GETTING BLOWN AWAY! I’m GETTING BLOWN AWAY!” – a young, high-maintenance mom who found herself (what else?) getting blown down the valet deck while grasping an empty stroller.

I remained in place, refusing to cease from my efforts to load eight bags into the tiny trunk of her high-end automobile.

(Of course, the fact that she referred to me as a lesser mind certainly played into my decision: “It’s good to see lesser minds achieving gainful employment. Our society needs to do more for the little people, don’t you think?”)

Her husband came to the rescue and when she angrily grilled me about my inaction, my response was as succinct and as truthful as ever:

“I’m afraid $3.50 doesn’t buy you a rescue, miss.

And that’s all I have for you, my friends. The enemy is about to unleash a second wave and I must prepare.

Happy New Year, kids.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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87 Responses to This Is Not A Post.

  1. Fresh Ginger says:

    “Lesser Minds” are not required to perform rescues. It’s not in the work performance guidelines.

  2. Oh my gosh, I’m sending so much love and positivity to you!

    I want you to know that when I saw you had a new post up, I got all giddy and happy because I appreciate your talent.

    It is so sad when human beings are so clueless and closed minded….

    Anyway, wishing you a 2014 that sees your Ellen dreams coming true. πŸ™‚

  3. LOL…..OMG! MY WIG JUST BLEW OFF!! Oh just coming by to wish those 2 *Beautiful Girls* in your life a very *HAPPY & HEALTHY NEW YEAR*!!…..OH….and you too of course!……I know, I’m funny πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ *Cyber Hugs & Blessings my friend* *Catherine* πŸ™‚ XoXo

  4. Bone Nuvoh Aneaux.

    Or something.

    Happy New Year, Robert… and to all your readers as well.

  5. Aussa Lorens says:

    Ah, such charming people out there! I like the husbands response about the face. Well done.
    Don’t get blown away…

  6. Ehhh….sorry, I was THAT lady. I would have given you a better tip except for I needed it to tip my mani/pedi girl. πŸ™‚

  7. 1jaded1 says:

    Wtf? She deserved to get blown away…Happy New Year to a greater mind (you, of course)…Sheesh.

  8. It both floors me and saddens me that people think that way, good on you for your response!! Dumbasses! Happy New Year!

  9. susielindau says:

    Sounds like a blast Hook! Hang on tight and have a fabulous New Year!!!

  10. Lesser mind, ha ha, sounds like she is one to talk. Happy New Year Sir.

  11. Happy New Year to you and yours!! Try to stay sane regardless of the stupidity that continually flocks to you! πŸ˜‰

  12. Would you like me to come and straighten her out. I will need my voltaren afterwards though. BTW Chinese food will be here in by 5:30. Come home early if you can…. 🍲

    Dumbass is right πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰

    • The Hook says:

      I would have loved to watch you straighten her out!
      To tell you the truth, the thought of that Chinese food – and the sight of my loving family – is the only thing keeping me going!
      (Hey, better late than never, right?)

  13. Happy Hook New Year er..Happy New Year Hook. The best for 2014

  14. I am surprised you did not throw her luggage at her–Happy New Year to a higher soul

  15. Steph says:

    I just started a small fire on my porch and didn’t notice till it went out. I’d rather set *myself* on fire than deal with the general public on a daily basis. Now I’m not only impressed by your wit, but also your patience.

  16. Gross. You handled it well! Sending you positive vibes to get through the possible chaos tonight. Happy New Years!

  17. MishaBurnett says:

    As I cab driver, I cleared over $500 cash one New Years Eve.

    I was so underpaid.

  18. What a bitch! Both that lady and your current predicament.

    Stay strong my friend. Best of luck. And Happy New Year.

  19. Happy New Year to you my friend, sorry you have to work ‘n all! I’ll drink a toast to you at midnight…

  20. Jennifer says:

    She obviously had no idea who she as talking to. Lesser minds indeed.
    Have a great new year Hook, and to all the Hook family πŸ™‚

  21. You can dress ’em up but can’t take them a.n.y.w.h.e.r.e. I shake my head.
    Is there such a thing as hazard pay during the holidays? No? I thought not. Too bad.
    Happy New Year…somehow.

  22. Twindaddy says:

    People are stupid. I’m so glad I don’t have to work with the public any more.

  23. I always feel for people who have to work with the public during the holidays. I always think people are ruder during this time, I hope they get blown away into the next holiday season πŸ™‚
    Happy New Year, Hook!

  24. Happy New Year My Friend. Stay warm and try for staying sane. Although, looking at the crowd you could be in for a wild one.

  25. bardictale says:

    Lesser mind? Unbelieveable.
    Stay strong, my friend, and may 2014 be a good year for you. Sending cookies and small elves your way^^

  26. Awesome post Hook, funny. Fantastical line about 3.5$ can’t buy her a rescue! haha!

    Happy New Year!

  27. Happy New Year Mr. Hook. Wishing you and yours all the best in 2014. πŸ™‚

  28. MissFourEyes says:

    Ha! I loved your response.
    A very happy New Year to you, partner! I hope this year brings you loads of happiness, and most of all a construction-free hotel πŸ™‚

  29. You deserve a medal and thank goodness you are not armed! It has always amazed me how the true “lesser minds” never recognize their own disabilities. All the best to you and your family for 2014!

  30. Oh, well, there is this type of people too… I call them subhumans!!!!
    My wish to you is no more of those and a very Happy and Warm New Year!! πŸ™‚

  31. Katie says:

    I appreciate your service in the hospitality wars, Hook!

  32. samara says:

    She. Did. Not. Really. Say. That.
    Lesser minds? I’ll come there and throw her a beating, project girl style.
    I feel you, home slice.

  33. shimoniac says:

    Wow. See my comment on previous post, but now even more so. I think I would have made an inappropriate comment along the lines of, “What? You give donkeys blow jobs? Does your husband know?” at the top of my hairy lungs. Her husband standing there notwithstanding.

  34. Nadia says:

    Hook, taking everything in your stride as always, even idiots.
    Happy 2014, Hook!

  35. catalina says:

    Burn! You are awesome. That is all. Happy New Year – please continue to be your bada#$ self, it brings good cheer to us all.

  36. Eri Berry says:

    I love your observations. Us in the hospitality business get to meet and mingle with people from all walks of life. I remember being asked by a guest if I knew what S&M meant. That and many others.

    Cheers and happy new year!

  37. Lesser mind? Seriously. People suck. She must not read your blog. Maybe you need biz cards that say “watch your mouth or you’ll be hooked” Too threatening to guests. Sounds like they deserve it sometimes. Happy 2014.

  38. Try working 3rd shift security on New Year’s Eve…. I still wake up screaming sometimes πŸ™‚

  39. bfg666 says:

    Lesser mind, huh! I dare not guess what this reject of mankind might think about black people then. And to think that this here cow calved an offspring… chilling idea! Poor kid. Hurting-Face’s husband should have married her instead, if only to keep her in check with his sharp observations. Then again, would she even understand?

    Never a dull moment with you, Hook. Happy new year!

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