Perhaps I Should Start Calling Myself “Dr. Hook”?

As a bellman I find myself forced to play many roles, each one tailored to the specifics of the situation unfolding at the time in question.

In other words, sometimes I am a wave of calm in a raging storm.

Sometimes I am a court jester, dancing about – metaphorically, of course – in an attempt to please a Royal family driven mad by their own power.

And in rare instances, when all reason fails to penetrate lesser minds – or at the very least, minds that are lesser at that time – I am the speaker of truth…

(Before we begin, bear in mind that a simple act such as waiting to take an elevator ride down from the top floor of the hotel’s highest tower is in actuality far from simple – especially when one factors in the naïveté of youth.)

BUBBLY BRUNETTE:  (She had Lynda Carter‘s body and Snooki’s brain – and the natural energy of the Tasmanian Devil.)  May I ask you a personal question, Mr. Extremely Tall Bellman?

THE HOOK:  (Never one to waste an opportunity to be a smart-ass, there was only one real answer available to me.)  Yes, you may. And the answer is yes, what they say about tall bellmen is absolutely true.

Fortunately, the hallway was empty and my new plaything had time to ponder my response. I swear, you could actually see the physical discomfort she was experiencing. In time though, she abandoned what was for her, a futile quest for understanding and moved on.

BB: No! I want to ask you a personal question about me!

THE HOOK:  Well, I don’t know you, but you seem delightful –

BB:  No! I want to ask you a question about something that happened to me last night, something that keeps happening.

THE HOOK:  If you don’t loosen the tie at just the right moment, you’ll black out every time, miss.

BB:  (Giggling like Sheldon Cooper when he finds himself coping with a facet of human interaction that overwhelms him.)  You’re funny! But seriously, I want to ask you about something very serious, sir! It’s about threesomes.

THE HOOK:  Threesomes, by their very nature, miss, should be anything but serious.

You have to give BB credit, she was hopelessly outmatched but she kept right on swinging.

BB:  You don’t understand, sir! What I want to know is, do threesomes make you gay? 

I almost lost my rhythm for a moment; I’ve been in many an unusual situation – unusual for most people at least – but this was the first time anyone had asked me to channel my inner Dr. Laura.

THE HOOK:  Is this like the old “If I pick up a guy at a bar and he picks up a girl and we all leave together, does that mean I picked up the girl?”, question?

BB:  No! This is about my boyfriend who loves to have threesomes –

THE HOOK:  I’m with you so far.

BB:  With other men.

THE HOOK:  And you just lost me.

BB:  It’s not what you’re thinking!

THE HOOK:  I’m relieved to hear that, miss.

BB:  We both have sex with the other guy!

THE HOOK:  And I’m out again. Just so I’m clear, miss, do you and your boyfriend ever have sex with women?

BB:  (Pondering the source of my confusion and once again ignoring it.) Just so you know, my boyfriend isn’t selfish at all! We have threesomes with girls too!

THE HOOK:  (Playing a hunch.)  Are the threesomes with girls your idea?

BB:  No, I let him take control of all that. It’s all his idea.  He’s the brains in our relationship!

THE HOOK:  But does your boyfriend ever have sex with the girls?

BB:  Well, he used to, but now he says he wants me to enjoy myself, so he just watches!

THE HOOK:  (Walking a minefield, but too far down the rabbit hole to care.) He just watches… while you have sex with other girls. Tell me miss, does he ever… touch himself while watching you?

BB:  (Giggling again.)  Well, I’m usually too busy to notice.. but no, not usually.

I had to take a moment to process this situation, but the answer was crystal clear – to someone whose body wasn’t depleted from waves of threesomes.

THE HOOK:  So you’re concerned that engaging in all these threesomes is making you gay?

BB:  Yeah! Does it?

Before I could answer, BB decided to give me a blow-by-blow, as it were, of her typical boy-boy-girl threesome.

In sticky, sweaty detail. Never mind her solo activity with other girls, I got the lowdown on the semi-sausagefest. Don’t ask me why, I’ll be pondering that question for the rest of my days.

If I wasn’t certain of the validity of my analysis before…

THE HOOK:  I have good news and bad news, miss. The good news is, you’re only having sex with girls to please your boyfriend, who prefers to watch rather than participate, which not only makes you a truly selfless girlfriend, it makes you completely straight..ish.

BB:  So I’m not gay?

THE HOOK:  Not by current standards, no.

BB:  So I’m good? You’re certain I’m not gay?

THE HOOK:  Yep.

BB:  (Taking a little longer to get the idea – to say the least.) The thing is, I usually enjoy myself when I’m with another girl, but I’m definitely not gay?

THE HOOK:  Nope.

BB: Great!

THE HOOK:  But your boyfriend is.

BB: What?

My clueless, nubile friend was completely flabbergasted; she simply couldn’t see the truth, despite the fact it was waving right in her face. I was going have to draw her a map, but to be honest, I knew it was an exercise in futility.

THE HOOK:  Look at the facts, miss. He prefers to watch while you have sex with other girls and he doesn’t even give himself pleasure. He willingly has sex with other men. I’m certain he loves you, but facts are facts. 

(I have to say, folks, as much as I enjoyed watching BB’s earlier attempts to fire up her neural receptors, I suddenly found myself wishing myself away to a cornfield – to no avail.)

As if reacting to my pleas, the elevator finally arrived. We embarked and as it made several stops along the way, I could tell by the strained look upon her face that BB was pondereing my words; there would be no abandonment of this line of thought, I’m afraid.

The elevator reached the lobby and as the crowd filed out, BB turned to me and in a completely calm, measured tone, announced her hypothesis: “I think he’s bi, but he leans towards penis more than vagina.”

You have to give her credit for trying, I suppose.

See you in the lobby, folks.

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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91 Responses to Perhaps I Should Start Calling Myself “Dr. Hook”?

  1. Well played Doctor.

  2. ragemichelle says:

    Okay…I never get to have good conversations like this. no one EVER tells me anything this…well…fascinating.

    To be fair, though..I’d probably run away if they did.

  3. ha!! bubbly brunettes say the darndest things!

    thanks for the laugh!

  4. Oh my god. Seriously….wow. I really want to visit your hotel and be your honorary assistant for a day. I really do.

    • The Hook says:

      Bear in mind that most of my time is pent sitting in a dingy, dirty back room waiting.
      And waiting.
      And waiting.
      Then, lo and behold… A moment of madness tailored specifically for blogging!
      But I’d be glad to have you anyway.

  5. Oh, chorkling. You are a jewel among pigs, Hook.
    You need an advice stand like Lucy…worth more than 5 cents!
    Take care over the remaining holidays

  6. Wow…and people think strangers tell ME awkward/unusual things. That was quite well handled. Kudos. I’m just relieved she knew what bi was…because you’d think THAT would be the first conclusion she’d jump to for herself… smh. 😀

  7. Oh, my. It’s funny that the “gay or not” question is the one that’s bothering her in this situation . . .

  8. Michael says:

    Wow. The only questions anyone ever asks me at work are about the location of the copy machine, and whether we have books on dental malpractice. 0_0.

  9. Lol, I would have lost patience and given her the facts right at the beginning of that conversation! I love how you could see the gears grinding in her head!

  10. lensgirl53 says:

    So glad this was not a Bubbly Blonde pondering all of this.

  11. Aussa Lorens says:

    Haha this is so horrifying– he needs to leave that poor girl alone and just go get what he wants!

  12. JackieP says:

    Ah, dealing with the public can be so, um, entertaining. Ha-ha! Reminds me when I was in sales and a man I knew through his wife, wanted to know if I would be his ‘girlfriend’ because his wife was having hot flashes and he couldn’t stand the heat. Bwahahaha. Oh yeah, I said no. In a nice way, but afterwards everytime he came into the store I had to hide in the office.

  13. Jennifer says:

    At least I wasn’t eating, or drinking this time. I’m gobsmacked… you’re just like hairdressers and beauticians, we tell you everything with no thought to the repercussions (btw, I don’t tell my beautician or hairdresser anything). Life is never boring with you around.

  14. What does one say to this? Well played, I think I would have been shocked into silence. That’s takes a lot believe me! I guess though you’re a pro by now! lol

  15. TK says:

    That was going to be my reaction. Maybe he’s bi. …but now I’m curious. I wonder if the guy is from a religious family that wouldn’t except him as a homosexual man. That would explain why he chooses to have a girlfriend.

  16. tammyarlidge says:

    Ah, bless her little heart. What she lacks in perception, she makes up for in curiosity. Well, sort of. You do have an amazing job Hook. It’s not the norm as you well know. Be thankful you’re the honey to their bees! It makes for the best stories!

  17. bfg666 says:

    And what do they say about tall bellmen? Also, bwahahahahaha!!

  18. joesard says:

    Dear mr. Hook aka Dr. Hook, you absolutely deserve an honoris causa doctorate in multiple accademic fields, just a bit stumped to determine the specific speciality, does Humanology sound feasable?
    btw Happy new year!! and please please keep us folks smiling for the coming 2014

  19. 1jaded1 says:

    I wonder what the convo went like with BB and her boyfriend. Hope she didn’t say “but the bellman said…”

  20. Nadia says:

    Never a dull moment, is there? This one had me in stitches. Hook, you really know you’re way around awkward conversations… I would be lost for words.

  21. Chatty Owl says:

    Oh, doctor, doctor, doctor…. Could I please book some of your time in the lobby and share my experiences? Ha ha. This is brilliant. Why, oh why, don’t I have a job like that?
    (That said, you must be bloody attractive for sure. Bimbos like that don’t approach bad looking hooks 😉 )

  22. janeybgood says:

    Is this real life? I mean, wow your life is interesting! Yesterday, I tried to strike up conversation with the lady at the checkout and all I got was ‘do you want a bag?’ and what I think was a ‘thanks’ when I handed her the cash. If you’re looking for a sidekick, I’m quite inept at most things but I can dance, and you’d never know when that might come in handy…

  23. Cayman Thorn says:

    I’ve never been more relieved to be a traditional kinda guy who eschews threesomes. It’s WAY too complicated a thing. Great work, Dr. Hook.

  24. This is something that I missed being in the kitchen at the hotel and not at the front. Mind you, the boys and girls in white *did* tell some salacious and fleshy tales of their own in the strangest places – the walk-in fridge, the garbage room, by the deep fryer…but I didn’t have to analyse it for them…ha ha.

    Great job handling it and great job describing it… 🙂

    Cheers,
    Paul

  25. katecrimmins says:

    You have the best job ever! It’s better than naming nail polishes!

  26. shivs27 says:

    Kid sounds tragic

  27. I would never have had the patience to “go all the way” with this conversation. I would have had to “straight” up tell her he was gay as soon as she mentioned two guys. Thank goodness this stuff never happens to me. However, in future I may take the stairs.

  28. The Cutter says:

    Is there a reason why you don’t have your own talk show yet? Or at least a hidden camera? I’ve seen the crap they show on E! You’d be more entertaining than at least 40% of their shows.

    • The Hook says:

      Thanks, Cutter!
      But apparently you have to be a filthy-rich, homophobic, ignorant redneck to get any attention from TV executives these days.
      I can’t even get Ellen to respond to my pleas on my daughter’s behalf.
      It sucks to be a failure as a dad/agent.

  29. NotAPunkRocker says:

    Why do I picture this encounter with you talking in an accent like Dr. Ruth?

  30. Wow. BB sure likes to share.

    I agree with The Cutter, by the way; get yourself a talk show. You can draw the craziest stuff outta people.

  31. Personally I find “The Hook” much more honorable and being THE Hook also allows you to give your wise advice. No need to put that Dr.!!! 😉 About the …case: Really?!!! She actually had doubts?!!! I admire the way you handled it.

  32. Jo Bryant says:

    thank goodness for all the clueless people in this world…life would be sooooo boring without them
    Happy New Years Hook…and I hope 2014 brings you all you and yours deserve

  33. djmatticus says:

    Part of me wants to say: “Dang, I really need to vacation in Niagara to meet all these fascinating people,” and part of me wants to say: “I’m never ever going to Niagara. There is no safe distance to be from all that crazy.”

  34. You sound like a natural: quick on your feet a.n.d. straight faced. How do you not crack up?
    Happy New Year.

  35. itsmymuse says:

    Dr Hook, you surely have an interesting job.

  36. List of X says:

    I was thinking this would be something Dr. Who-related. But this was even better… Now YOU get to tell other bellmen “here’s what you just missed”.

  37. Doctor Hook? Weren’t they a band in the 70’s? Threesomes……

  38. gilvania gil says:

    Follow you, follow me?
    I’m from Brazil, I loved your blog

    http://gilvaniagil.com/

  39. jlheuer says:

    That was one long, tall elevator ride. Whew!

  40. shimoniac says:

    And right there is another sterling example of why I went into factory work. If I had to deal with the B.B. I would have completely lost it and run screaming down eight hundred flights of stairs to the lobby and out into the cold cruel world, never to be seen again. Or burst out laughing hysterically and tell her what I really thought.
    Better you than me.

  41. What interesting conversations you do have!

  42. curvyroads says:

    Oh. My. God.
    Well played, Dr Hook! And they say people tell their bartenders the strangest things~

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