Old Man Winter, The Wintertime Blues and Hayden Panettiere. (Or a resonable facsimile thereof)

Well, it’s Sunday morning and there’s only one thing on anyone’s mind: The relentless onslaught of the Master of Winter.

Call him Old Man Winter. (Although, truth be told, he seems pretty powerful for a man of his advanced years.) Call him Jack Frost. Call him Father Winter or Woden. Just do me a favor and call him off will you?

Granted, while Niagara has been hit hard by snow, ice and harsh winds over the last 48 hours, we really can’t complain when one looks at conditions in certain areas of the United States right now. Of course, we will complain because that’s human nature for you…

Actual Guest Quotes: Wintertime Blues Edition

“This is the weirdest hotel ever!  There’s no heat!”  (This poor lady actually believed we made a conscious decision to conserve heat in the hotel by shutting it off in the lobby. I love the human race.)

“I’ve been to Russia and I was warmer!  You Canadians are monsters!”  (You have to love eight-year-old girls and their moxie, don’t you?)

“My nipples could cut glass right now!”  (Who says grandmas are boring?)

“Lordy,  Lordy, Lordy! It’s frakkin’ freezing in this here bitch! Thank God I’m high!”  (To every young, white, Compton wannabe out there: You don’t sound cool when you speak like this. Please stop before someone rips those baggy pants off you and shoves them up your lily-white ass.)

“I PAID $200 A NIGHT FOR THIS?  WHEN I FACTOR IN THE COST OF MY BOOZE, VIAGRA, FOOD, GAS AND MY BITCHES, I’M NOT WINNING, ROBERT!  I’M LOSING – BIG TIME!”  (Don’t ask me why this crazy bastard was screaming at the top of his Italian lungs in the lobby, because I don’t have an answer.  And I’ve really thought about it.) 

And my personal favorite and the perfect conclusion to what has been one of the most inhospitable weeks of my sixteen-year career in the service industry…

PETITE, STRAWBERRY-BLONDE HAYDEN PANETTIERE CLONE:  (Standing at my desk, whispering/giggling simultaneously as her pack of hyenas friends looked on.) I don’t mean to be rude, sir, but how do you keep that bulge so large? It’s freezing in here! Shouldn’t you be all shriveled up?

TO ALL MY FEMALE READERS OUT THERE: SORRY, BUT I SIMPLY COULDN’T RESIST THIS PIC. IT’S JUST TOO CRAZY TO PASS UP.

To my credit, it took barely a nanosecond before I realized just why the young lady was so confused. Of course, I still took a quick look down at my lower half, just to be sure. My suspicions confirmed, I proceeded to have a little fun in the Mighty Hook manner…

THE HOOK:  Actually the answer is quite simple – and impressive, if I say so myself! Would you like to see?

Once again, this was one of those moments where mere words are insufficient; her eyes grew wide, her body hunched forward slightly, and while she didn’t throw up in her mouth, she may have choked slightly, though not because she was disgusted, but rather, because she was titillated. At least, I hope that was why she choked.

HAYDEN PANETTIERE CLONE:  (Mouthing words to her posse – slowly!) HE WANTS TO SHOW IT TO ME!

She quickly regained her composure and soldiered on.

HPC:  (Between giggles.) Go for it! But won’t you get fired?

THE HOOK:  I’ll be fine. Here we go…

And with that, I proceeded to reach down and release from my black uniform trousers… my large, hard… rubber doorstop.

Once again, my greatest regret is that I’m not able to capture expressions and moments on video; HPC’s face was a mixture of shock, disappointment, humiliation and a dab of stupidity thrown in for good measure.

THE PACK:  (Laughing hysterically.) OHH! HE GOT YOU GIRL!

HPC:  Seriously? That’s all you have in your pants?

THE HOOK:  (Raising my left hand and pointing out my wedding band.)  That’s all I’m able to reveal at this time, yes.

Undaunted, she continued to fixate on my groin. Fortunately, her assessment appeared to be favorable because she didn’t walk away angry, she merely glided back to the pack and resumed giggling.

And so ended another week at my own personal Play-Doh Fun Factory.  Be thankful for all you have, my friends, there are folks out there whose brain boxes are running on auxiliary power – and its running out fast.

See you Wednesday for another edition of 5×5 With The Hook. This week’s installment is going to be extra minty and bursting with flavor, trust me. Oh, I wish I could tell you what I have in store for you…