Old Man Winter, The Wintertime Blues and Hayden Panettiere. (Or a resonable facsimile thereof)

Well, it’s Sunday morning and there’s only one thing on anyone’s mind: The relentless onslaught of the Master of Winter.

Call him Old Man Winter. (Although, truth be told, he seems pretty powerful for a man of his advanced years.) Call him Jack Frost. Call him Father Winter or Woden. Just do me a favor and call him off will you?

Granted, while Niagara has been hit hard by snow, ice and harsh winds over the last 48 hours, we really can’t complain when one looks at conditions in certain areas of the United States right now. Of course, we will complain because that’s human nature for you…

Actual Guest Quotes: Wintertime Blues Edition

“This is the weirdest hotel ever!  There’s no heat!”  (This poor lady actually believed we made a conscious decision to conserve heat in the hotel by shutting it off in the lobby. I love the human race.)

“I’ve been to Russia and I was warmer!  You Canadians are monsters!”  (You have to love eight-year-old girls and their moxie, don’t you?)

“My nipples could cut glass right now!”  (Who says grandmas are boring?)

“Lordy,  Lordy, Lordy! It’s frakkin’ freezing in this here bitch! Thank God I’m high!”  (To every young, white, Compton wannabe out there: You don’t sound cool when you speak like this. Please stop before someone rips those baggy pants off you and shoves them up your lily-white ass.)

“I PAID $200 A NIGHT FOR THIS?  WHEN I FACTOR IN THE COST OF MY BOOZE, VIAGRA, FOOD, GAS AND MY BITCHES, I’M NOT WINNING, ROBERT!  I’M LOSING – BIG TIME!”  (Don’t ask me why this crazy bastard was screaming at the top of his Italian lungs in the lobby, because I don’t have an answer.  And I’ve really thought about it.) 

And my personal favorite and the perfect conclusion to what has been one of the most inhospitable weeks of my sixteen-year career in the service industry…

PETITE, STRAWBERRY-BLONDE HAYDEN PANETTIERE CLONE:  (Standing at my desk, whispering/giggling simultaneously as her pack of hyenas friends looked on.) I don’t mean to be rude, sir, but how do you keep that bulge so large? It’s freezing in here! Shouldn’t you be all shriveled up?


To my credit, it took barely a nanosecond before I realized just why the young lady was so confused. Of course, I still took a quick look down at my lower half, just to be sure. My suspicions confirmed, I proceeded to have a little fun in the Mighty Hook manner…

THE HOOK:  Actually the answer is quite simple – and impressive, if I say so myself! Would you like to see?

Once again, this was one of those moments where mere words are insufficient; her eyes grew wide, her body hunched forward slightly, and while she didn’t throw up in her mouth, she may have choked slightly, though not because she was disgusted, but rather, because she was titillated. At least, I hope that was why she choked.

HAYDEN PANETTIERE CLONE:  (Mouthing words to her posse – slowly!) HE WANTS TO SHOW IT TO ME!

She quickly regained her composure and soldiered on.

HPC:  (Between giggles.) Go for it! But won’t you get fired?

THE HOOK:  I’ll be fine. Here we go…

And with that, I proceeded to reach down and release from my black uniform trousers… my large, hard… rubber doorstop.

Once again, my greatest regret is that I’m not able to capture expressions and moments on video; HPC’s face was a mixture of shock, disappointment, humiliation and a dab of stupidity thrown in for good measure.

THE PACK:  (Laughing hysterically.) OHH! HE GOT YOU GIRL!

HPC:  Seriously? That’s all you have in your pants?

THE HOOK:  (Raising my left hand and pointing out my wedding band.)  That’s all I’m able to reveal at this time, yes.

Undaunted, she continued to fixate on my groin. Fortunately, her assessment appeared to be favorable because she didn’t walk away angry, she merely glided back to the pack and resumed giggling.

And so ended another week at my own personal Play-Doh Fun Factory.  Be thankful for all you have, my friends, there are folks out there whose brain boxes are running on auxiliary power – and its running out fast.

See you Wednesday for another edition of 5×5 With The Hook. This week’s installment is going to be extra minty and bursting with flavor, trust me. Oh, I wish I could tell you what I have in store for you…

About The Hook

Husband. Father. Bellman. Author of The Bellman Chronicles. Reader of comic books and observer and chronicler of the human condition. And to my wife's eternal dismay, a mere mortal and non-vampire. I'm often told I look like your uncle, cousin, etc. If I wore a hat, I'd hang it on a hat rack in my home in Niagara Falls, Canada. You can call me The Hook, everyone else does.
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63 Responses to Old Man Winter, The Wintertime Blues and Hayden Panettiere. (Or a resonable facsimile thereof)

  1. I was not sure what you were going to pull out (maybe some big furry mittens) but I never suspected a door stop. Stay warm.

  2. unfetteredbs says:

    You must have very large pockets…
    Cheers! Old man winter indeed! Brrr

  3. 1jaded1 says:

    This is hilarious. C’Mon people. It’s winter, it’s Canada, it’s gonna be cold! Also sorry for the lack of video.

  4. HPC: “Is that a doorstop in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”

  5. You do need a sitcom. I will watch.

  6. Too funny. I really need to get some of your perspective for dealing with life’s nuttiness – I’M NOT WINNING, ROBERT! I’M LOSING – BIG TIME!”

  7. katecrimmins says:

    You have a cool job! It’s just like working in human resources!

  8. LMAO!!!
    I had completely forgotten how freaking cold it gets in the lobby in the winter-time! Especially in the middle of the night and in the early morning. I feel so bad for your little toesies and fingers!!!

  9. bardictale says:

    You put a smile on my frozen face. After a day of mixing up genders in my speech, this was a welcome respite. Thanks my friend!

  10. Blame the circus acts on the cold freezing blood out of brains? Geez, feel really guilty with the sunshine outside today – WAIT – it’s all we’ve had for weeks – it’s so rare even the birds, dogs, and squirrels have declared a truce and are sharing the sun pools.
    It’s close to winter solstice…so that means gathering wood into a pile in the lobby, striking a match and starting up a fire to keep warm..dancing optional?
    Stay warm!

    • The Hook says:

      I’m doing my best!
      Ironically, the fire alarm has been blaring for fifteen minutes….
      (Not to worry though; it’ll be a false alarm. It always is.)

  11. Jennifer says:

    Omg, that had me choke on my coffee, not sure I needed that for breakfast.. 😉
    A rubber doorstop, ha…

  12. 😆 😆 Actually many people’s brains run on auxiliary power nowadays!!
    I sincerely hope Santa brings a heating system to this hotel… I wrote a letter to him about it! 😉

  13. Nicole Marie says:

    Please attach a hidden camera to your shirt. Bahahahaha, this is great.

  14. mj monaghan says:

    Way to pull us in, my friend. Have missed your wit and observations on life. Hope you’ve been well.

  15. stephrogers says:

    Oh my goodness I needed that laugh today!

  16. I Am Jasmine Kyle says:

    You mean DIRTY old man winter! I love a sassy grandma!

  17. The Cutter says:

    So that was just a doorstop in your pocket? You weren’t happy to see me?

  18. Hilarious and something I’m sure Hayden would appreciate. She’s sexy and a good sport, I think.

  19. Pingback: The Winner Takes It All | kissmeoutofdesire

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